An actual scene from work today

typed for your pleasure on 31 August 2004, at 9.56 pm

SOME GUY ON THE OTHER LINE: My wife’s not here right now, she’s out golfing.
ME: Stalking??
ME: Ahh, that… that makes more sense.
GUY: Heh heh — well, I guess they’re kinda similar…
ME: This is true. You’re following the ball everywhere it goes… you’ve got a blunt metal object… sometimes there’s bushes involved.

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typed for your pleasure on 31 August 2004, at 9.45 pm

Has Aquafina always tasted like aluminum water? It can’t just be me, and I’m sure that Apollinaris, the Queen of Table Waters, would wholeheartedly agree. Maybe the ad copy on the label can provide some insights..

All bottled waters are not the same.
Yes; studies have shown that some actually taste good, as opposed to tasting like iron filings.

Aquafina’s state-of-the-art HydRO-7 purification system consistently removes substances most other bottled waters leave in.
I keep picturing a steel pot ov boiling water on a stove. The pot has a two-week old coffee filter swirling around within, and the stove is a fetching shade ov avocado. Ladies and gentlemen, I present.. the HydRO-7™ Purification System. Long may it stand, never shall it fall.

So the only thing you taste in your water . . . is water.
*snickering* Or maybe coffee filters?

Which, by the way, is Latin for ‘Final Water’. The water that you will drink before you DIE.
That’s what killed Socrates, y’know.

Pure Water.
‘There’s too much oxygen in this water! They must’ve mixed it funny.’

Perfect Taste.
Relative to, perhaps, a tall foamy glass ov bear sputum, then I would heartily agree!

Every time.
‘AQUAFINA: Lower your Standards™.’

And as I can see, now that I’ve gotten to the bottom ov the label, I see that it’s ‘Bottled by Independent Bottlers Under the Authority of PepsiCo, Inc.’ It all makes sense to me now! I can’t feckin’ stand Pepsi. This ‘Aquafina’ shit is probably the countless unsold gallons ov Pepsi Clear that they used to produce! Ahhh, another piece ov the brackish, distasteful puzzle falls into place

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One course down, fourteen to go

typed for your pleasure on 30 August 2004, at 10.35 pm

Just checked my grades online:

Course Section Reg Code Course Title Instructor Grade Credits GPA
BIS-1070-R1512 008019 Word Processing Dowe A 3.00 4.00

*does Jerry McGuire-esque pumping motion with fist*
That’s a fine GPA! I should quit while I’m on top. 🙂

To celebrate, I shall go watch a fillum. Besides, right now, my Internet connection is acting really squirrely, and I don’t have the patience for it

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Actually, it sounds like a pretty cushy assignment

typed for your pleasure on 30 August 2004, at 9.50 pm

En route home thru Royal oak this afternoon, I pulled up to a red light at the corner ov Main, and.. some other smegging street, and I’d noticed that, to my right, was a police officer, standing behind a large neon yellow construction-style sign that read ‘SAFETY BELT ENFORCEMENT ZONE’. Eh?? It’s true; he was just standing on the corner, about fifteen to twenty feet away from his cruiser, which was idling with the passenger door open and its hazard lights blinking, and he was.. enforcing safety belts, I suppose. I dunno. I daresay he wasn’t doing a very good job ov it, as I was stopped behind like four other cars, and he didn’t even seem to be peering into any vehicles to make sure that people had their seatbelts on. Perhaps there was a hidden camera somewhere; again, I don’t know.
Great; this is our tax dollars at work, I thought. Some cop standing on a street corner, ‘enforcing’ safety belt usage. Fecking brilliant. What is this apropos ov, exactly? I mean, if he had happened to see someone not wearing their seatbelt, what was he gonna do, yell an ineffectual ‘hey you, stop’, and leap onto the perp’s hood like T.J Hooker? Hanging on for dear life with one hand, and using the other to radio for backup ‘WE’VE GOT A SB-854 ON THE RUN SET UP THE TYRE SPIKES’? I mean, what??

Now, I understand that one ov the purposes ov police is to protect people from their own stupidity, but as far as I see it, if you don’t have the presence ov mind or simply the common goddamn sense to strap yourself into moving machinery, then quite frankly, if you get into a wreck and go rocketing thru your windscreen, you deserve what you get, as you’re the exact sort ov person that needs to be removed from the gene pool, anyway. Ultimately, if you don’t wear your seatbelt, it only harms you. Unless, ov course, you launch out ov your car, and your stupid lacerated body strikes another vehicle; well then, yeah, that’s a bit ov a problem.
But honestly, I’d have to say that it’s nice to see that police are spending their time & manpower doing something really important. Good show, sirs, and Well done

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typed for your pleasure on 26 August 2004, at 2.02 pm

Just had an idea for an article; in the style ov the editorials on The Onion, it would be called, ‘I Should Stop Wasting So Much Time Pursuing Older Women Who Have No Interest In Me, And Start Pursuing Younger Women Who Have No Interest In Me’. Heh.

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Collect them all!

typed for your pleasure on 16 August 2004, at 4.06 pm

Just so you know, I change the blog description every week (found beneath the title in the lefthand sidebar). One day, there might be a quiz on this

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This will make sense to exactly one other person

typed for your pleasure on 15 August 2004, at 8.15 pm

*dial dial*
*ring ring ring*
SOME GUY: ‘Hello?’
ME: ‘Ah, hi! Is Denise Garner there?’
SOME GUY: ‘Sorry, Denise no longer lives here.’
ME: ‘O! Ahh.. sorry to have bothered you.’
SOME GUY: ‘Alright.’
ME: ‘Bye.’

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