Sdtrk: ‘Spiritual cramp’ by Christian death

Some of you may be vaguely aware that I had a brief but memorable stint as a technical director/telly personality on the self-described ‘infotainment show’ known as Half mask, courtesy of the public access class I took at Barden Cablevision Detroit during the early Nineties. Surprisingly, our programme even won third place for the network’s Best of the Best awards in 1993, and first place the very next year, but that’s neither here nor there right now. But I will still brag about it.
Anyway, I was asked along with the main host and one other person to attend the awards ceremonies to represent the show, but I decided that I’d paint my nails before doing so. However, instead of sensibly purchasing a bottle of Wet ‘n’ Wild #735A (‘Power Outage’) as I would begin doing on a regular basis later in life, I not only bought a pot of black model paint, but I’d completely overlooked the fact that it was matte black. Although I applied it to my nails regardless, it looked rather unusual… it put me in mind of Transformer-era Lou Reed, which is an act I had no problem following whatsoever.

You would’ve thought Angus MacLise would’ve been the first Velvet Underground member with painted nails

Then and there I’d come to the conclusion: gloss nailvarnish is the only proper choice for me, which is a statement I stand by to this day. Flash-forward to 2021, when Ursula Clarke, aka Dragonfly, aka Undead Barbie, finally saved up the appropriate funds to move into Deafening silence Plus. Much like everyone here except for our Dyanne, Ursula’s sartorial sense is Goth, but the specific flavour of Goth fashion she indulges in would be Nu Goth, and that sub-subculture really brought dull gloss black nails to the forefront. To be honest, I had no idea that dull gloss nailvarnish was even a thing until she told me all about it, and it’s a unique thing amongst unique things!

All of us here think of these as black candy

Gloss black presents a lovely reflective surface, whereas matte, by its very nature, absorbs light. The former is evocative of automobiles or PVC clothing, but the latter is the darkness of deep space in miniature. Which, all told, is one of the reasons Ursula paints her nails in dull gloss black. ‘It’s Ｔｈｅ Ｖｏｉｄ, but fashion !’ she once commented. All three finishes have their uses, however.

There’s an internationally-acclaimed artist out there who lives and works in London, England, by the name of Anish Kapoor. If you’re at all familiar with that name and were wondering what exactly I was leading up to with my tale of nailvarnish errors, you can now take this opportunity to point at your computer’s monitor and go aahhh, but for the rest, I should probably explain.
Back around 2016, several news outlets, blogs, and sundry YouTubers discussed a Bold New Development in The World of Paint known as Vantablack, developed by the English company Surrey NanoSystems. Apart from being an amazing name for a roller derby contestant, Vantablack is, according to Wikipedia, ‘a class of super-black coatings with total hemispherical reflectances (THR) below 1% in the visible spectrum […] composed of a forest of vertical carbon nanotubes “grown” on a substrate using a modified chemical vapor deposition process. When light strikes Vantablack, instead of bouncing off, it becomes trapped and continually deflected amongst the tubes, absorbed, and eventually dissipated as heat.’ Which is crazy.

It’s… actually a wee bit terrifying. It’s like an ACME Portable Hole

As riveting and totally mind-boggling the concept of Vantablack is, I’m going to pause here and talk a bit about Kapoor, to create narrative tension. Born in 1954 in Mumbai, India; relocated to England in 1973, and has been there ever since; originally in Liverpool, then with a move to London shortly after. He’s developed numerous architectural projects, as well as created stage sets for a few operas, on top of creating four decades’ worth of sculptures and installation pieces, plus being awarded the Turner Prize in 1991, but if you’re an American, especially one who’s familiar with downtown Chicago, Illinois, you’ll possibly have seen one of his more recent works either on telly or in person.

Your Humble Narrator and Euchre at Cloud gate, circa 2014. His head is normally that blurry, as his surname is Seurat

Cloud gate, or as too many people have dubbed it, ‘the Bean’, was completed in 2006, from 168 stainless steel plates that were welded together, and is 33 x 66 x 42ft (10 x 20 x 13m), weighing in at a tidy 100 tons. That’s the thing about Kapoor: a lot of his work consists of massive intimidating sculptures, and a fascination with reflective surfaces, bold colours, and voids. He is, as I understand him, a maximalist. Apart from being the polar opposite of minimalism, of course, maximalism is an expression of excess. More ornamentation than usual, larger proportions, overstatement rather than understatement, ‘more is more’. You know — like your average American. ZING.
Two excellent examples of maximalist architects would be Étienne-Louis Boullée, who I learnt of via the 1987 Peter Greenaway film ‘The belly of an architect’, and Albert Speer, who was famous for other, awful reasons. But if you look at either of their works, they’re characterised by a gigantic sense of scale; examples of two of Boullée’s would be here and here, and one of Speer’s is here. Even though both men had their sponsors, most of their proposals didn’t get far past the blueprint stage, as you can imagine, as they were just too feckin’ big.
On the other hand, Kapoor’s catalogue consists of these beauties, amongst others:

Untitled, 1995

Spire, 2014

Sectional body preparing for monadic singularity (love that title), 2015

Leviathan, 2009

Honestly, a lot of his work strikes me as being really cool! The first, second, and fourth pieces remind me of the covers of Coil’s two album set, A guide for beginners: A silver voice and A guide for finishers: A golden hair. Unfortunately, though, Kapoor himself strikes me as really petty.
Around 2014, Vantablack S-VIS, which is the sprayable version of the paint, was exclusively licenced to Kapoor’s studio, meaning only he was allowed to access and use it. Understandably, many people in the art world were upset with this course of action, resulting in petitions and public complaints from other artists, to no avail. Kapoor dismissed all concerns with an attitude that’s very much ‘this is mine now, sucks to be you’. In response to his being a covetous shitfridge, competing artist Stuart Semple developed his own unique shade of paint. This is where we’re at now — response paint. The whole scenario is like a rap beef! Not wrapped beef, though; that’s mostly different.

So what’s the deal with Stuart Semple? A Dorset lad born in 1980, Semple’s dabbled in sculpture, paintings, and performance art, but more significantly, he has a much more egalitarian view towards democratising the tools that artists need. What that translates to is that he’ll make free (or significantly cheaper) versions of trademarked colours that would otherwise only have exclusive use by certain artists or companies. There’s International Klein Blue, the extremely rich shade of blue pigment developed and patented by Yves Klein in 1960; Semple’s made Incredibly Kleinish Blue. The corporation Mattel has trademark protection on Pantone 219 C, otherwise known as Barbie Pink; Stuart Semple offers you Pinkie. So far, I like this Stuart Semple chap! Plus, one of his hairstyles is just a sweeping wave of fringe, much like 1982-era Phil Oakey. Looks a bit like the musician and artist Momus, too, but Stuart has the use of both of his eyes.

Prior to Pinkie, however, the wrapped beef began when Semple learnt of Kapoor’s monopoly on Vantablack. In 2016, Semple released PINK, which he claims is ‘the “pinkest pink” paint available’, and in an effort to curtail Kapoor’s avariciousness, buyers of PINK had to sign a legal document when purchasing it which not only specifically excluded Anish Kapoor from buying some, but any of Kapoor’s associates as well. Things escalated, however, when not only did Kapoor obtain a jar of PINK in December of that same year, he followed up with a post on Instagram that underlined his level of mental maturity and classiness:

(Fear not, it’s only a screenshot, as I will never link to Instagram)

Yep. After that, Semple released the pigments BLACK 2.0 and BLACK 3.0, which are again, affordable paints… at least, I assume they’re affordable, as I’ve not bought paint since the Best of the Best Barden Cablevision awards ceremony, but I’m sure they’re much less expensive than Vantablack. Since then, Semple’s expanded his oeuvre to include other colours, plus he’s up to BLACK 4.0 these days, if you’re keeping score. Overall, though, the most amusing thing that’s resulted from Kapoor’s juvenile stupidity would be Semple developing a pigment called Diamond Dust, which is ‘an extremely reflective glitter made of crushed glass shards that are designed to hurt Kapoor if he dipped his finger in it,’ which is both fantastically petty, and entirely justifiable.
Now all of this Bay of Pig(ment)s-level (sorry) brinksmanship is a fascinating carcrash for those of us standing outside of it. However, the unfortunate thing is that Kapoor still has the exclusive rights to Vantablack, when all’s said and done, and I’m sure this decade-long feud only has him digging his heels in further.

One of Surrey NanoSystems’ competitors, Nanolab, headquartered in Massachusetts, have their own supermegaultra black paint, named Singularity Black, who I could’ve sworn was the lead singer of the Pixies. Originally created for NASA, Nanolab are being the better people in that not only have they made Singularity Black available for everyone, but for any artist who’s really interested in how to effectively use the paint, Nanolab are more than willing to share info and advice with them. Much like Semple’s BLACK series, a person can buy an artist’s sample — however large that is — for only USD$30. That’s nothing money! Which is appropriate, as you’re buying Nothingness.
Artist Jason Chase, who worked with Nanolab to basically exhibit Singularity Black, was quoted as saying,

‘It is important to create access so artists can use it,’ said Chase. ‘Artists are always the ones who take new materials and push them to new limits. Singularity Black is the perfect new medium to foster such experimentation and development across a global community. This super black paint and its possibilities have been stunted by not being available to experiment with. (emphasis mine) Starting with my work, those days are over.

I imagine Jason slamming his fist onto the podium with that last word, there. But it should go without saying that he’s right: some arsehole gains exclusivity to something new, innovative, and helpful, and progress in that field grinds to a halt. Thankfully in this case, it didn’t, as Nanolabs took over where Surrey NanoSystems failed. So while Singularity Black apparently isn’t quite as dark as Vantablack, it’s still as near as damnit, which means that ultimately, Kapoor’s just paid for the name. Hope it’s worth it, bunky.

I’m one of those people who believes that the words and actions that a person says or does are intrinsically tied to whoever said/made them, whether if it’s blatant, or if they try to spin it like ‘I just said those things cos I was angry; I don’t actually think like that‘. If you’re a venal, hateful human being, but you’ve created something that I previously enjoyed, eight times out of ten, I’ll stop enjoying what you’ve done, as I don’t want to tacitly approve of you being a fuckwit (e.g: Morrissey, Ricky Gervais, John Lydon, Terry Gilliam, and others). I’m painfully aware that Organik humans aren’t morally black & white; some say the ambiguity makes humans interesting, but ‘interesting’ to me means ‘either good or bad’. It’d be nice if people were more cut-and-dried with their thoughts and personalities, as that’d make things astonishingly easier for everyone.
But my point, really, is that sometimes I have to wincingly separate the art from the artist with someone toxic such as Kapoor, much like how I dig the work of Gilbert & George, even though they’re pro-Brexit monarchists, and every time, it’s a struggle. Thankfully I don’t have the attachment to Kapoor’s work as I do with other artists whose work I’m keen on, but need to be shoved into traffic due to their morals. It’s some small solace to know that there are millions of people in the same quandary as myself; however, that doesn’t solve the root of the problem.

As much of a twat Kapoor is, one of the only decent thing I’ve known him to do was file a lawsuit against the NRA back in 2018, as the organisation apparently used footage of Cloud gate as part of one of their pro-gun adverts, so that’s something. Again with the Organik human ambiguity: sues a hateful group of psychopaths for unauthorised use of his work in a pro-psychopath campaign one day; prohibits the use of what could be a boon to thousands of artists due to his greed the other. Ugh.

And that, dear readers, is a sterling example of how the modern art world is far too concerned about the monetary value of various works and the return on investment various artists are believed to have. Art should be viewed as a mode of expression first, a decoration second, and an investment never.
That statement really only peripherally applies to this post, but I still stand by it, and frankly, I couldn’t think of any other way to end this! You’re welcome

Told you it was affordable

Sdtrk: ‘Sketch for summer’ by the Durutti Column

You’ll have to forgive me, as half the reason I’ve written this post is because I finally figured out, while in a state between wakefulness and sleep, the answer to a question that I’ve had for years, and was lucid enough to remember it, which really means I was more awake than asleep. What was that question, you ask? Why can’t I get into epic medieval fantasy, like, at all?

I’ve famously not played Dungeons & Dragons since probably about sixth grade. Franchises like Skyrim, Neverwinter, and Conan hold zero appeal for me. I’ve never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones, or watched anything past the first ‘Lord of the Rings’ film. Dragons make me shrug, elves kinda get on my wick. I am, by all accounts, averse to the fantasy genre of fiction. Although I was keen on The Chronicles of Narnia until I learned that CS Lewis was a god-botherer; having said that, ‘The Magician’s Nephew’ remains my favourite book out of that series. Plus John Boorman’s ‘Excalibur’ is always pretty fucking awesome. Now that I’ve mentioned that film, you’ve probably got ‘O Fortuna‘ in your head now, and rightly so. But I digress!
Really, the answer to my question made so much sense and was so #OnBrand that it makes no sense that I didn’t realise it up until now. Why am I not keen on sword and sorcery fiction? Because the world that the characters inhabit is filthy, everywhere.

As astute readers of ‘Shouting etc etc’ are already aware, I’m a semi-recovering germophobe (please refer to No.17 on my ‘85 things‘ page). I say semi-recovering, as I was doing relatively well until the coronavirus pandemic of 2020 went into Turbo mode in March. Prior to that, with the exception of vigorously wiping down any shopping trolleys before using them when buying groceries and sundries, it wasn’t an issue. But on the occasions where I absolutely can’t avoid having to leave the flat, I cram about five or so pairs of disposable rubber or latex gloves into my trouser pockets, strap my mask on, take a deep breath, and head out to do everything I have to do as quickly as I can so I can get back inside. Yep, 20fucking20. But before I go on in detail about how this year has been objectively the worst in the lifetimes of anyone with a conscience and a functioning brain, that picture I’ve painted should be enough to give you a sense of how I feel about uncleanliness. It’s gross!

Between fantasy and science fiction, it should come as no surprise that I prefer SF much, much more. For one, fantasy doesn’t have Gynoids in it, so that’s a tipoff right there. Take the prime example I always have at the front of my brain for something that approximates a futuristic Utopia: Stanley Kubrick’s ‘2001: A space odyssey’; specifically, the space station Heywood Floyd was bumming around in.

Save for the fact that there’s a complete lack of Gynoids in it, and the populace is under threat of nuclear annihilation, that sort of environment has much greater appeal to me. Everything’s clean and shiny, the architecture, design, and fashion are smooth and modern, the temperature is regulated, there’s daily flights from Earth to Space station V and back, people wash on a regular basis… Whereas with medieval fantasy, it’s best exemplified in this image:

That’s from Aleksei German’s film adaptation of ‘Hard to be a god’ from 2013, by the way. It could be said that having that be my only example could easily be seen as a smear campaign, ah heh heh. But it’s worth considering: imagine tumbling headlong through some convenient time portal that whisks you back to, say, 1066, the year in which the culturally pivotal Battle of Hastings occurred. The French Normans invade England, English King Harold Godwinson gets shot through the eye with an arrow (disputed, but he definitely died on the battlefield), and England winds up with a dialect of French as their national language for roughly 500 years. Why do I know as much as I do about the Norman conquest? Blame an issue of National Geographic from the Sixties that my parents had containing an article that detailed the Bayeux Tapestry. It’s a comfort to know that if the bottom ever falls out of Synthetiks culture, I have my knowledge of the Battle of Hastings to fall back on! Which isn’t much.
Anyway! Back then, you were either royalty, or Peasant Scum™. If you’re the latter, your house is made of wood, thatch, or reeds, and every day, all you can smell is livestock. If you’re the former, you’re in a drafty castle, more than likely dying of gout whether you know it or not, and you don’t have indoor plumbing because outdoor plumbing doesn’t exist. No regular bathing, no deodorants of any sort, no shaving, no proper waste disposal, no proper medical treatment, nothing. Technically speaking, you’re more outside than inside! Try not to freeze to death, or die of heat stroke, or sepsis, or a thousand other murderous things! It is patently impossible to spin a romantic viewpoint on that style of day-to-day existence. Sure, you can argue that ‘medieval fantasy is fiction’, but even if I were in Darkest Mordovale or wherever wearing a full set of armour with a broadsword in hand, you couldn’t ask me to overlook the fact that the complete environment is stinky as fuck.

Right; I’ve just thought of another entry in the medieval fantasy genre that doesn’t repel me: Kentarou Miura’s long-running manga series, Berserk. In the interest of full disclosure, what attracted me to the series was the Lovecraftian aspect to a lot of the monsters and adversaries — God Hand, baybeee — but due to the fantastically insane brutality that the series portrays, the world the characters live in is not exactly hygenic. And that’s not counting all the bandit-led skirmishes, or wars between armies, or beings from an alternate plane of existence sacrificing thousands of people over a single night in order to fulfil an eldritch prophecy! Sure, you can say that after walking round day after day up to your shins in blood and corpses, that you’d simply get used to it, but… would you want to??

On the opposite end of the spectrum would be something like the telly shows produced by the creative mastermind that was Gerry Anderson. Series such as UFO, Captain Scarlet, Space: 1999, and Thunderbirds, amongst others, displayed worlds with technological advancements as well as adventure, and for the most part, they were clean. Granted, there were still pressing concerns such as disasters both natural and man-made, or a cold war with an alien race that could replicate any object or thing, or the Earth’s Moon being blasted out of orbit, or the threat of having your organs harvested by beings from another planet, but nothing’s perfect! At least things are clean, for god’s sake; that’s one less thing to worry about.

Going momentarily back to the real-life horror that is 2020, I’d seen a link in my Twitter feed months ago to a product called AIR, by a company called MicroClimate. What it is is a much-better, more futuristically-minded alternative to just donning a cloth mask over one’s face. AIR (their caps, not mine) is an acrylic helmet that covers the front half of one’s head; the back of the head is covered with a comfortable microfibre cloth that extends to the wearer’s neck. A combination of a fan and four HEPA filters keep the air (heh heh) inside the helmet fresh and fog-free. In short, wearing it makes you look as if you’re an astronaut, and that’s fucking amazing. Really, the only downsides to AIR are
+ the name (it’s lazy)
+ it doesn’t have an LED strip inside for lighting, so you can look like Sean Connery in ‘Outland’
+ the only available colour choices are black or white. Those suit my colour pallette fine, but there’s a lack of Factory grey, and
+ it’s USD$300. BOOOO.
It’s my hope that other companies will see MicroClimate’s product and make versions of their own for sale, at lower prices and with additional colour selections, ahem hem. Who wouldn’t want to be an astronaut?

A clever third-party retailer would go ahead and start designing cat ears you could pop on these bad boys

Maybe my praise of a product like AIR also exemplifies my extreme dislike of medieval fantasy. In those types of settings, physical strength will get you far, unless you’re some sort of wizard, whereas in science fiction, technology grants advantages to people across the board. Being a person who values intellectual prowess over physical ability, it’s little wonder why futuristic environments appeal much more to me. If the choice is between spending months training and working out for years, versus buckling myself into a powered exoskeleton or having my body augmented with cybernetic enhancements, I’m obviously going to spring for the quicker and much less sweat-producing option.

So that’s a revelation! You can keep your longhaired musclebound barbarians, and your shire-dwelling hairy-footed dwarves (disgusting), and your knights clad in armour that looks alright until you realise that armour is just barely containing a stench that’s enough to kill a dog. If you need me, I’ll be booking a flight from this orbiting space station to Clavius, but before that, I’m off to make a quick phonecall.

Hmm. Apparently it’s USD$1.70 for a two-minute call from an orbiting space station down to Earth. That’s $1.70 in ‘2001’ money, which was 1968 money, and this is why the economy is in the toilet

Sdtrk: ‘Date night’ by Will Yates

My satisfactory job excels in many ways — I often will tell anyone within earshot that it’s the best job I’ve ever had. The only downsides are that
1) the drive to and from work is lengthy (roughly 25min there and about an hour back, under normal circumstances), and
2) it doesn’t involve me closely inspecting Synthetik girlfeet for eight hours a day. But then, if we had everything we wanted, we’d be spoiled. I say that a lot, too.

However, to take my mind off the first issue, I’ve begun revisiting the distracting wonder that is the podcast. I’m not going to list my favourites here, as I intend on covering that in a future post, but I’m more than halfway through a series entitled ‘Germany: Memories of a nation‘, available from BBC Radio 4. Over the course of thirty episodes, host Neil MacGregor discusses various points concerning Deutschland’s geographical and social history, which is actually more fascinating than it sounds. True, some episodes are a bit boring (‘The Battle for Charlemagne’, for example), but others are really fascinating, like the one detailing the Bauhaus school of design, which I’ve always been intrigued with, and the one focussing on Notgeld. Now I want to buy some godforsaken Notgeld, cos obviously I need more ephemera in my life and to add to my rapidly-filling flat.

‘What’s Notgeld?? What the hell is it??’ you shriek, eyes wide, mouth frothing at the corners. Ah, I can sense that you are intrigued! First, a high-speed primer as to the situations which caused Notgeld to come into existence.
During World War I, Germany’s economy was sliding rapidly down the toilet, as the cost of the war effort was bringing about inflation. It kicked into high gear in 1922, where things were so bad that the Deutsche Mark would lose value over the course of a week. You’d have people getting their paycheques, and immediately racing to the shops to spend them before they were near-worthless. When this happened, which was often, the banks would issue new notes of higher value. Eventually it got so that the more notes there were in circulation, the less they were worth — which is where you get those anecdotes in history books of citizens literally bringing in wheelbarrows filled with Marks into shops, just to purchase groceries — and at any rate, the banks couldn’t afford to keep printing them.

The solution, then, was Notgeld, which is German for ‘necessity money’. It was defined as the currency that institutions would issue during economic or political crises, mainly when the national bank was out of regular money. These were issued not only by the national banks, but also by the banking institutions of various towns and municipalities. Of course, since metal was in short supply due to there being some sort of ‘world’ ‘war’ taking place, a lot of the denominations were printed on paper. Even then, issuers would get fancy, due to lack of overall materials, and would design notes made from silk, or leather, or postage stamps, or porcelain, or my favourite, compressed coaldust.

Zeppelins and icebergs, always awesome

‘The Hamster’s Dream’. Anything with a hamster on it is automatically great. Although he looks a bit sinister

This is one of the coal coins. I can’t imagine them doing a person’s pockets any favours. Because of the dust, not because you have money, you see. Quit your bitching, at least you have money. And stop licking your fingers

A Notgeld made of linen. Like a tea towel, that… you can use… to buy actual tea towels with

Porcelain coinage

This one, designed by Wenzel Hablik, really speaks to me. Not only does it have a very cool, Ray-Gun-magazine-filtered-through-Bauhaus look to it, it’s a document of the economic situation that created it. Part of the text lists how much average things were in Itzehoe, the town it was issued in, in 1921

Vertical Text in top right corner: “It costs in Itzeohe in 1913 / 1921 1 Kilo Butter: 2.40 Marks/60 Marks 1 Liter Milk: 16 Pfennigs/2.80 Marks 1 Kilo rye bread: 46 Pfennings/3.30 Marks 1 egg: 8 Pfennigs/1.90 Marks 1 Kilo sugar: 48 Pfennigs/ 7.60 Marks”
Text in top left corner: “1 Kilo beef: 1.90 Marks/28 Marks 1 Kilo horsemeat: 80 Pfennigs/14 Marks 1 Kilo domestic bacon: 1.5 Marks/40 Marks 1 Herring: 6 Pfennigs/1.40 Marks 1 Kilo oatmeal: 48 Pfennigs/9 Marks”

Not only were they in demand cos they were, y’know, legal tender, but the uniqueness of the designs encouraged interest and use. Many towns depicted scenes on the notes or coins related to their history, or associated with their industry.

Such as this one from Bitterfeld, showcasing a power plant…

…or this one from the town of Eberswalde, known for its delicious all-pastry tyres.

Admittedly, my super-rudimentary knowledge of German had me initially thinking Notgeld meant ‘Not money’, but unsurprisingly, I was wrong.

You’ll be pleased to know that if you really want to own examples of Notgeld, eBay has a shedload of reasonably-priced ones on offer. I mean, I’m doing my damnedest not to buy this set, as its German Expressionist design speaks to me. I’ll note that the paper ones are easiest/cheapest to find — if you’re going to aim for hardcore status and attempt to purchase some of those compressed coal ones, you’ll find that examples of those are quite rare, as a good number of those were used as fuel. Still, there are worse hobbies! You can’t make your own Notgeld to buy the vintage Notgeld with, however; it doesn’t work like that

Sdtrk: ‘Island of birds’ by Sven Libaek

As periodic readers of ‘Shouting etc etc’ are already aware, there’s not a single thing that I like about the annual Woodward Dream cruise. I’ve mentioned why before, so I’ll not go on about it again if you’re a new visitor; you are welcome. One of the main issues that I have with it, apart from the fact that the event hampers the mobility of local non-participants, or the lack of logic of taking part in such an event when regular petrol is hovering just under $4 a gallon, is that the cars are large, ungainly, and mostly unsightly. Sorry, klassic kruisers, your cars are simply too goddamned big. The only exception to that aesthetic choice would be the 1970 Plymouth Superbird, as it is so comically overproportioned it’s awesome. And classic hearses; you can’t go wrong with those, either.

In making my way down Woodward earlier last week on the way home, I’d seen the safety orange advisory signs bolted to normal traffic signs, reminding people that the week-end of the 16th would be taken over by the Nightmare cruise. What if, I thought to myself, what if all those giant landboats were replaced with smart little classic foreign autos instead? Well, for one, I’d be out on the sidewalk every year, taking footage of the endless stream of European and Japanese cars. Cars such as

the Alpine A110

the Citroën 2CV

the BMW Isetta

the Jaguar E-type

the Toyota Sports 800

the Messerschmitt KR200

the Studebaker Avanti (yes, I’m well aware this is an American vehicle, but it gets a pass)

and the Subaru 360, amongst others. And although I’d fully expect to see both the modern and classic versions of the Fiat 500, the MINI, and the Volkswagen Beetle is that those selections are pretty much a given.
And since ‘classic’ is a loose descriptor, I’d get some automobiles from the glorious Eighties in there as well.

the Citroën Karin Concept, from 1980

the Renault Fuego (I have a soft spot for these, as it was the third car my parents ever had)

the Toyota TAC3 Concept, which looks an awful lot like the Livecougar, the jeep from Chojuu sentai Liveman

and you can’t properly represent the Eighties without some DeLoreans in there. And I’ve noticed that two of the four cars I’d just listed never made it into production. Huh.

This new, more Continental/Japanese-flavoured Cruise would also have allowances for relatively modern cars with retro styling, such as the Nissan Pao, the Nissan Figaro, or the Mazda Autozam AZ-1. In a lot of ways, modern cars with classic appearances combine the best of both worlds: they don’t have the generically bland ‘style’ of contemporary vehicles, but they possess features that older cars didn’t have, such as power steering and air conditioning.

Micro- to mid-sized cars are fantastic! They take up very little space, and more importantly, they don’t scream to the world that you’re making up for some other, more personal, shortcomings! And really, I’m not what you would describe as a ‘car guy’. Meaning, I don’t give a toss about torque, or horsepower, or technical details such as that. I like the cars that I like due almost strictly to their aesthetics.
There’s a whole bunch of cars I’d not mentioned, as I didn’t want this post to be as long as the cruise it would describe. But would you have a make and/or model of car you’d like to see in the improved Dream cruise? Why not mention it in the comments below?

Sdtrk: ‘Black holes are not completely black’ by Leyland Kirby

If there’s one thing I can be accused of indulging too much in, it’s artifice. Frankly I’ve no clue as to where people get that notion, but whatever. The other main attraction in my life would of course be design from the late Fifties to early Seventies. As the oft-neglected ‘This was the Future‘ series shows, I’m fond of architectural examples from that period, but I love the design as well. So it makes sense that I’m digging the hell out of graphic designer Julian Montague’s work.

Not only are his pieces arranged with exacting detail — the book covers alone are like a loveletter to the Marber grid, a design template that came to fame via Penguin’s paperback covers during the Sixties — but every title and every name used are completely affictitious.

In looking over his imagined covers, he seems to have a fascination with insects, particularly spiders. I don’t know what that says. Maybe set out more traps?

Not only does Julian’s work blur the lines between art and graphic design, but it also distorts things both real and imagined. We need more people like him! Go see the full website here, and Happy 23rd!

Sdtrk: ‘Now or never’ by Polish Radio Orchestra

Been quite a while since I’ve dumped a mess of links upon you! A big sloppy bucket of links all over you, all in your hair and down your shirt. You should probably go wash that off before it dries. Don’t forget to burn those clothes as well!

+ In a way, I’m glad that Deafening silence Plus is just large enough, as if it were larger, I’d probably be indulging in my love of technological white elephants. And if I had more money, that is. ‘Technological white elephants’ is a term coined by sexy Eighties Goth siren Danielle Dax that describes obsolete technology or devices that, for whatever reason, didn’t catch on and last in the minds of the general public. Things like the RCA VideoDisc, or the ondes Martenot, or the Nintendo VirtualBoy (I own two — don’t ask, it’s a long story). I’m fairly sure the TwitterPeek will be joining you lot shortly.

Hear that? That’s the sound of Planned Obsolescence

Puts Smart Phones and Twitter Apps to Shame!

No more waiting for tweets to download or clicking the “more” button to see old tweets.

TwitterPeek’s “always on” tweet delivery makes it a snap to follow 100’s of people throughout the course of your day. Best of all, you don’t have to spend $100/month on an expensive smartphone data plan to get Twitter on-the-go.

It must be an interesting and fanciful world the creators of TwitterPeek live in. Honestly, it’s not a bad product, but 1) it’s very very specific, and 2) the masses would’ve bought these feckers by the carton back in 2006, when Twitter first started. Or maybe a year after that; some people are undoubtedly still smarting over the whole ‘Friendster‘ thing.
I just tried to search for a used TwitterPeek on the Bay of e, but came up empty-handed. There is no such thing as a consumer item that is created and isn’t resold at some point, which kinda says to me that… no-one’s buying TwitterPeeks?? *cue minor chord*

+ Speaking of social vortexes, Wil ‘sorry, can’t save the Enterprise, too busy Tweeting’ Wheaton has some very lucid things to say about that other social networking timewaster:

Now, as long as I have your attention and I’m talking about Facebook: I think that Facebook is evil, guys. I believe that Facebook is making gazillions of dollars by exploiting its users, and Facebook doesn’t give a shit about how its users feel about that. The only reason Facebook has made any changes to their laughable privacy policies recently is because the company was looking at legal action, and was in danger of losing money.

Personally, I think you should delete your Facebook account and wait for Disapora to get going. I know that’s unlikely, though, because Facebook has become a useful and convenient way to stay in touch with people you care about. But please, please consider the consequences of trading privacy for convenience, and think about this, from Newsweek:

If you really expect this company to suddenly become trustworthy, you’ve lost your mind. Over the past five years Facebook has repeatedly changed its privacy policy, always in one direction, and every time this happens, the same movie plays out. People complain. Facebook stonewalls, then spins, then pretends to be contrite, then finally walks things back—but only a little.

the entire article is here

As for me, I’ve already said my piece on Facebook and how I think it’s rubbish, so I’ll not go on about it. But what Will’s saying and what others have been saying, not using Facebook is something to consider.
And will I go see ‘The Social Network’? If it were a scenario where the proceeds from every ticket for that film went to stopping Facebook, I’d see it once a day. Apart from that, should I suddenly decide there’s absolutely nothing else more important that I need to be doing with my life, then perhaps. And more than likely, I won’t pay to do it.

+ This domicile would more than likely fit nicely into the ‘This IS the Future’ category if I had one. *checks sidebar* Just making sure. I give you: Ring House, located in Karuizawa, Nagano prefecture, Japan, and built by architects Makoto Takei and Chie Nabeshima.

Sadly, the fog is not included

The Ring House is wrapped in rings of glass and wood and has an uninterrupted 360-degree view of the forest. […] TNA designed rings around the facade so that areas of private space and utilities could be met. The height of each ring was decided by the function concealed behind it. The glass between the rings allow you to look straight into the forest, so the whole house appears to dissolve into the forest.
taken from this site

+ As I’m sure every one of you have done, I’ve lain awake at night, wondering aloud ‘when will someone write a yakuza-based Choose Your Own Adventure story??’ Well, despite the fact that it’s online only, as opposed to a printed work, this page on the site Infinite Story proves that Dreams Can Come True.

You pour the last of your now semi-warm sake from the carafe into your ceramic choko. It fills the shallow glass only halfway and you sip from it slowly, trying to draw out the time. Down the bar from you is a group of sararimen who are getting steadily drunker and louder. From their slurred speech, you gather they are celebrating the fact that their division has made its quarterly projections for the second time, or something bullshit like that. “Fucking peasants…” you grumble not too quietly between sips of sake, but the sararimen do not hear it because they are busy toasting themselves again.

Your name is Shinji Takagawa, a member of the notorious Yamashita Syndicate in Tokyo, and you’ve been sitting at this sushi bar for the last four hours silently eating, getting drunk, and watching game shows with the sound turned off on the plasma screen TV behind the bar. Usually this sushi bar is pretty quiet place to kill an evening, but these drunken sararimen are making it intolerable. When the waitress comes to see if you need another drink, you just grunt that you want your bill.
the rest of the story is here

Unfortunately midway through the story, your ability to actually make choices is halted, and it turns into a straightforward fictional narrative. But it still gets major Cool Points for the concept overall.

+ If the Missus and I had a cat — Shironeko doesn’t count, in this instance, unfortunately — if it were a male, we would totally get him one of these: a kitty necktie.

That’s something I’d wear. Good choice, little guy! That had better
not be a clip-on, though; that’s just lazy

And yes, they offer feather boas for the lady kitties as well. Pair some dapper cats up with ones wearing Kitty Wigs, have a bartender pouring Bradfords into water dishes for everyone, and you’d have a stylish little party!

So there you are! All these links are yours, except Europa. Attempt no landing there. Use them together. Use them in peace

Sdtrk: ‘Riverside’ by Sandy Simpson

Man o man. What happened to the May edition, you may or may not be asking? Well, Shi-chan’s new and incredibly distracting body happened, that’s what. *loosens collar* By the by, did either of us mention that she was featured in the Spring 2010 issue of The Doll Street Journal, found on the News page of the Abyss creations website? Sidore’s got a wee bit of cache, you see. It’s true!

+ Speaking of Abyss creations, now they’re in Japan! Well, moreso than usual. It appears that now Japanese iDollators have a licenced distributor from which to purchase RealDolls and Boy Toy Dolls from, located in a modest little storefront in the Nakano ward of metropolitan Tokyo. Interesting enough as that is — at first, I was like ‘well, that’s not really news; Abyss already has a Japanese distributor‘ — but what sent my eyebrows ascending was that apparently, some sort of deal was sealed with longtime silicone companion sculptor, Natori Saito. If you’re an iDollator, you’ll know him as the bloke who designed the Mai face, aka Face 9. If you’re an old-school iDollator, you’ll remember him from the days when he was making the Photogenic Dolls line. Yep, that Natori. He’s designed two faces for Boy Toy and one for RealDoll, so I suppose he’s been busy.

photo courtesy of ‘Ta-bo’s Kisekae Dataroom’

You can check out the site here, but 95% of it is in Japanese, and if you can’t read it, you more than likely won’t be buying a Doll through them. But those obstacles probably won’t stop you, won’t they? I didn’t think so.

+ So my tall mate Wolfgang hepped me to this: I-Fairy robot weds Japanese couple. I like where this is going!

I-Fairy robot weds Japanese couple
Jay Alabaster and agencies, Tokyo | guardian.co.uk, Sunday 16 May 2010 16.30 BST

Almost everyone stood when the bride walked down the aisle in her white gown, but not the wedding conductor, because she was bolted to her chair.

The nuptials at this ceremony were led by I-Fairy, a 4ft seated robot with flashing eyes and plastic pigtails. The wedding today was the first to be led by a robot, according to the manufacturer, Kokoro.

“Please lift the bride’s veil,” the robot said in a tinny voice, waving its arms in the air as the newlyweds kissed in front of about 50 guests.

The ceremony took place at a restaurant in Hibiya Park, central Tokyo. The I-Fairy wore a wreath of flowers, and wires led out from beneath it to a black curtain nearby where a man crouched and clicked commands into a computer.

Japan has one of the most advanced robotics industries in the world, with the government actively supporting the field for future growth. Industrial models in factories are now standard, and recently companies have been making a push to inject robots into everyday life.
the rest of the article is here

Hrrm… the Missus and I want to renew our vows for our ten year anniversary in July — could we possibly rent I-Fairy to do the honours, or would we have to fly out to her? Hrrm…

+ It looks like we may be losing not one, but two, Doll manufacturers. As of this writing, the website for Axis Japan, makers of the famous Honey Dolls series, has been down for several days. Which has happened before, but when you consider their news page hasn’t been updated since 2009, it’s cause for alarm. Honey Dolls were especially noteworthy, as they were the first to have embedded touch-sensors that played back .mp3 responses, but Odhinn only knows how their sales were, as I never saw a single owner pic of any of their four model types anywhere. And I can assure you that I check the Doll sites like a hawk…
And on the front page of the My Party Doll site, the phrase ‘OWNER RETIRING Interested parties, please inquire’ can be seen. As far as I’m concerned, the loss of any group that makes artificial companions is truly a shame. Technically, I’m still not over the fact that Chestnut co. Ltd., makers of the Rare-Borg line of silicone companions, has packed it in, and that was several years ago. With any luck, both groups will rise from the ashes, as it were, but who can say…
UPDATE (12 JUNE 2010): The Honey Dolls site is back up! Undoubtedly an extended server hiccup. It can happen to any one of us! Especially if you are a server.

+ Thanks to his long-standing work in the field of robotic humanoid developments, starting with the Repliee series, all the way to the sexier-with-each-new-version Actroid series, Hiroshi Ishiguro has been illuminating a path for mankind to follow out of the dark ages. But apart from the whole Android and Gynoid thing, he seems like the sort of bloke I can identify with, particularly after reading this article from IEEE Spectrum.

‘What’s that, me? What did you just say? I mean, what did I just say??
Shit, this is confusing’

Hiroshi Ishiguro stomps on the accelerator. The black Mazda RX-8 roars onto the highway, the heavy-metal Scorpions blasting from the speakers. We’re driving to Osaka University’s Toyonaka Campus. Ishiguro is wearing aviator sunglasses, black polyester pants, a black vest on top of a black shirt, along with a black belt, socks, and shoes.

”Give me question,” he says, his eyes fixed on the road.

I ask whether he always dresses in black.

”Why do you change your clothes?” he says. ”Do you change your name? So why do you change your clothes? Name is identity. Face is identity. But the majority of your [appearance] comes from your clothes. You should not change your clothes. Do you agree?”

I meekly suggest that all-black attire might get a bit hot in the summer.

”We have air conditioners,” he says. ”Next question.”
the entire article is here

The film ‘Surrogates‘ touched upon the whole concept of telepresence, and this man is making it a reality. Not to say that he’s the only person doing so, but Ishiguro is the only one making really bold strides as regards to building telepresence robots that resemble human beings. Clearly, we need more of this man. O wait — he’s already working on that!
There’s even a microsite with a wee bit of information on Geminoid HI-1 right here. Now if only they could do the same with that luscious Geminoid F…
That was a hint, by the way.

+ And as dreadfully hot as it’s been here in Michigan, I’m sure it’s not much better in Californiyay, where 85°F is considered ‘a good start’. However, being out of doors in the SoCal area gives a person the rare opportunity to catch KnightHorse out and about, taking pics of and showing off their stunning lasses. So it’s kind of a trade-off!…

Sayuri, being flirtatious/distracting

For years Matt has felt that dolls should be loved, appreciated and displayed proudly. One of his focuses in the business is to bring dolls out of the closet, demystify them, and have doll owners de-vilified! So many media outlets go for the “easy kill” and focus on the shock factor of these dolls. The only angle most journalists are interested in is the sexual function of the dolls. Well, to us, these dolls are much more than sex dolls. […] To date we have been to numerous public venues and never once had a negative encounter.

See, that’s the sort of thing I love to hear about — seeing a beautifully-sculpted work of art such as a Doll as a mere sex toy is incredibly narrow-minded. It’s ace that Matt K and crew are bringing their lovely ladies out for some fresh air and sightseeing, as well as spreading public awareness that Dolls aren’t creepy or unsettling; they are in fact wonderful and appealing. And depending on how imaginative a person you are, they can be even more than that…
Besides, did you see Sayuri’s arse up there? I mean, dayum!

Well, I do believe that’s covered the lot for now! Join us next time, for more of the same