*picks up monitor, flings it across room*

typed for your pleasure on 22 February 2005, at 6.23 am

Sdtrk: ‘Warner’s reverie’ by Mount Vernon astral temple

Right, so I see that I’ve wasted yet another hour desperately looking for interesting blogs by other people. And once again, I’ve come up trumps. So far, from what I’ve seen, the ‘Bloggerverse’ is 95% shite, plain and simple. Here, then, would be a small list of pet peeves regarding my blog surfing experiences:

+ Political blogs: I don’t give a steamy white toss if you think all Democrats are hippies, or all Republicans are Nazis. I honestly don’t fucking care. The more of these types of blogs that I see, the less I like people as a whole. People who write these aren’t going to convince a person who sits on one side of the political fence to switch to the other. You’re not just wasting your time; more importantly, you’re wasting mine

+ Religious blogs: see above

+ Adverts cleverly disguised as blogs: You’ve seen ’em. ‘Go Home Leukemia Newsletter Archives Leukemia Links Advertise on this site Add URL LeukemiaLeukemiaFeline LeukemiaLeukemia SymptomsLeukemia SymptomsChronic Lymphocytic LeukemiaAcute LeukemiaSymptoms Of Leukemia’ ad infinitum ad nauseam. Blogger needs to do what BlogExplosion does, and have humans check these sites, and verify that they aren’t just big adverts. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes

+ Blogs in a Foreign Tongue: I know this can’t be helped, and I hate to even mention it, as it sounds really bigoted/xenophobic. But if I’m madly clicking the ‘Next Blog’ button atop my site in a single-minded masochistic pursuit, I find that a good portion of sites are in either Spanish, Portugese or Italian. (Never French. I can handle French, but there’s never any French ones..) There should be a set of selection boxes you can check off, to indicate if you wish to view Blogs written in other languages

+ People who don’t fill in their profile: So you’re typing away, publicising your most private secrets, or even your day-to-day existence (such as it is) for the InfoBahn to scrutinise. Why have you not filled in your profile? Maybe it’s just me, but I view the profile question section as another opportunity to be witty (such as it is). Also, I like to know a wee bit about the author. Call me crazy, I know, but hey.
Besides, if you maintain that you’re so dreadfully boring that no-one wants to know about your boring details, then why did you start your boring blog in the first place?

+ That goddamned spelling ‘style’, where eVErY OtHeR leTTeR iS TypEd liKe tHiS: I swear, if I ever meet someone who admits to doing that, I will tie them down, break their hands, and make them watch as I set their Ashlee Simpson and/or Good Charlotte Cds on fire. Who started this bullshit, and why?? Furthermore, I should bloody well hope they have some sort of programme that mixes up the cases for them, cos if they’re actually typing like that, then they are irredeemably retarded. It took me thirty seconds to type ‘eVErY OtHeR leTTeR iS TypEd liKe tHiS’, and these people have their whole blog written like that. Do they start a post on Monday, and finish it Wednesday afternoon??

+ Blogs that have to have some sound file instantly load: I’m gonna hazard a guess, but if you have one of these, chances are very verrrry slim that it’s going to be something I want to hear. Do yourself and your intended audience a favour — get rid of your soundfiles. They slow the load time, and in any case, your taste in music is repellent

+ JavaScript abuse: Just before the site loads, some insipid dialogue box pops up, that you have to click on to enter the site. What in shit is that all about? You’re not clever, you know. And usually it’s something wRiTtEN LikE tHIs. If you’re doing stuff like that, you have just confirmed that your Blog is the equivalent to a Scandinavian black metal band: all ‘style’, no substance.
Even worse is when you leave the site, and another dialogue box pops up. I’m leaving your site. Let go of my hand now, and fuck off.

Lastly, my personal fave,
+ Spelling, grammar, and a lack thereof:

*exhales* Ahhh, all better now!
So send me links to blogs that don’t make me want to disconnect my Internet! Cos at this point, it really can’t get much worse

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Ceci n’est pas un 'Transformers: Revenge of the EXPLOSIONS' review on July 3rd, 2009

The mission is terminated on October 31st, 2004

9 have spoken to “*picks up monitor, flings it across room*

  1. Penda writes:

    Do you feel better?

  2. KrazyQ writes:

    Fuck yeah! and tell them kids to pull up their baggy pants! and get a haircut! and don’t do drugs! and…and…and…aaaaaaaaah! SO ANGRY!

    -TQ

  3. SpAkRle mCwHiRteR writes:

    OMfG u R sooo tOuChY! WeE lyKe 2 tYPe like tHiSs, sO LeT uS dO it, K? whO maDE U kiNg? asHlEy ruLZ!

  4. Davecat writes:

    Monti
    yeah, it was actually rather cathartic. I went downstairs after posting, and had a nice cool glass of water. It was the most refreshing glass of water I’d had all day. I even contemplated going outside to lie down in the snow, but that would’ve required me getting dressed.

    I think the lesson that I’ve learned is to stay the hell away from that ‘Next Blog’ button.

    And Sparkle –
    Hi.

  5. PBShelley writes:

    Funniest thing I’ve read all week! (Despite it only being Tuesday (but very early really).)

    I’d type more but I’m still rubbing my eyes from trying to read the above response hehe 🙂

    Seriously, when I saw how much time it would’ve taken to put up a blog of my own that I could be proud of, I knew I’d have to wait and do it right.
    It’s so easy, anyone can do it, right? And the majority of people are … unlike us, right? Soo… the majority of it will be “common”, I think.
    Welcome to the Internet before the WWW; this is how it was before every TD&H was made to do it LOL
    Peace anyway 🙂

  6. Zip Gun writes:

    so you say 95% of blogs are shite…that was a conservative estimate, yes?

  7. Davecat writes:

    Zip Gun
    I was being charitable! I mean, there’s thousands of blogs out there – they can’t all be nauseating, right? Right?? *wide-eyed stare*

    PBShelley –
    GO CONSTRUCT YOUR BLOG AND BE SWIFT ABOUT IT!! Or rather, finish your editing, THEN build your blog out of sturdy materials.
    Perhaps Lily can put in an occasional appearance! 🙂

  8. PBShelley writes:

    Eye, I, Aye… [Thinking of, but not playing, Gruppo Sportivo’s song. If I play it I’ll never get to bed (Dutch B-52’s meet ska/pop/funk, wildman!! Most excellent, very funny musicians]

    When my editing is done (sooo slooowlyy), then I’ll need to reopen unbound.org. to hopefully concide with publication *knock knock* Rather than add and monitor a Forum, I’ll have a blog attached to it, and of course a section of Lily’s own for pics and stuffage.

    Gotta love the stuffage 🙂

  9. quaisi writes:

    That was your best (and funniest) entry yet. Especially the CrApPy font and the speeling. Amen!

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