One blade lifts, the next one cuts, the third one flays

typed for your pleasure on 28 April 2005, at 4.50 am

Sdtrk: ‘La porte a coté’ by Christine Delaroche

Since I have such incredible problems managing my time, I have opted to use an electric shaver, as opposed to the razor treatment, cos it’s considerably quicker. For the past couple of days, I’ve been on the hunt for buying a new shaver, and I’ll tell you; the whole process is striking me as being ridiculous beyond all reason.

The last shaver I bought was a Remington SF3 MicroScreen 1, a rechargable jobbie that I purchased around 2003. Recently, I’d noticed that repeated passes during use just ain’t cutting it anymore, pun intended, so I thought, well gee, I have to finally go buy some replacement blades. I get to Meijer, and all the replacement blades & screens for Remington shavers are for MicroScreen models 2 and 3. Furthermore, I don’t think they even make the model that I own anymore, which honestly wouldn’t surprise me.

So I’m thinking, fine, I guess I’ll just buy a whole new fucking electric shaver, you bastards, so I begin peering at the other shavers that were on offer. Now, I don’t know about you, but I go so long between buying shavers, that I keep forgetting how expensive they are. I remember distinctly when I bought the model I have now, I was with someone at the time, and I was annoyed at the prices back then, and she was like, ‘Well, if you have to buy one, you have to buy one’. So I’m looking at the shavers, thinking, ‘A new electric razor should be about $15 – $20’. Nope! The cheapest model was $30, which was $20 more than I had on me. Jesus.

I admit, I’m a bit of a cheapskate when it comes to some things. I’ll grouse if necessities cost more than I think they should, but for ‘luxury’ items, price sometimes isn’t a deterrent. How much do I think a top-of-the-line German-made electric razor should cost? A rechargable one with triple hovering rotary blades, a multi-speed moustache trimmer, a soothing gel dispenser, that flashes a series of LEDs while simultaneously playing ‘Upside down’ by The Jesus and Mary chain? $30. Replacement blades? Pack of three, $5. Yeah. I’m the Best Consumer EVAR!!1!@

The reason I’m mortified, really, is that the result is inevitable: I’m gonna trek back up to Meijer later this week and buy a brand new ‘cheapie’ $30 electric shaver, and I find that fact hateful. But this is something I have to have. I must have a shaver, as my patchy facial hair makes me look like a common criminal. I suppose it’s the fact that I need this object, colliding headlong with my unwillingness to lay out $30 that could have gone towards some sushi, or a couple of DVDs, that really irks me. Until I can make enough money to afford laser hair removal (I’m serious), I’m gonna have to use a damn razor when I shave every other day. I’m gonna have to go over my face several times, consider myself done, and then 20min later when I’m out the door, I’ll end up running my hand across my jawbone and find that I’ve missed like five or six spiderlegs, and hiss under my breath.
If I had my druthers, I’d purchase a straight razor, cos if you can use one of those effectively, you automatically get the title of badass, but my hands are so markedly unsteady that any effort that I’d attempt would result in at least eight severed arteries, guaranteed

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Actually, it sounds like a pretty cushy assignment on August 30th, 2004

National Winter Hibernation NOW! / Overdue culling on January 18th, 2009

6 have spoken to “One blade lifts, the next one cuts, the third one flays”

  1. Penda writes:

    Ahhh – the straight razor. The untapped fantasy.

    See now you need a lass who’d be willing to let you rest the back of your head in her ample bosom while she removes your facial with a grace and speed that’s nearly obscene. A hot towel and a splash of tonic later, and you don’t care that she’s barely touched you with the tip of her finger and really sharp stainless steel, but you’re willing to smuggle live scorpions in your stomach on horseback to Antigua.

    Good luck with that.

  2. Davecat writes:

    Didn’t I tell you to refrain from posting parts of my diary on the Internet??

  3. Penda writes:

    You tell me lots of things I don’t remember.

  4. Mattias writes:

    The last electric shaver I used were model pre-stoneage so admitedly I’m a bit prejudiced against them. It wasn’t as much shaving the beard as pulling it out with the roots. I haven’t really looked at an electric shaver after that one. A straigh razor would be pretty hardcore though. :p

  5. veach writes:

    Your $30 one will–unfortunately–shit the bed in about a year or so. I know, I had one. So a few months ago I dumped (get this, it makes me cringe) $89 on a new Norelco which will work in the shower and pisses lotion in it’s wake at the squeeze of a button. It does the job very effectively and quickly (and I like the wet use) but jesus rollerskating christ, 90 bucks!

  6. Davecat writes:

    Eighty dollars? *shudders*
    On the other hand, perhaps I could put that tax return cheque I received to good use..

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