Telephone or megaphone?

typed for your pleasure on 26 February 2007, at 2.35 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Alice in Boogie Wonderland’ by Noise/Girl

Recently, I’ve discovered something about myself: unlike 90% of cellphone owners, I don’t really like being on my phone when out in public. Errm, correction: I don’t like being on my cellphone when out in public around people.

Every single one of us has come across some self-important gobshite on their cell, loudly speaking about nothing at all, at great length. It’s almost as bad as being at someplace such as the optometrists, or an auto repair place, where a television is constantly blaring crap that you can’t really get away from. There’s a solution for that, if you’re so inclined, but unfortunately, you can’t do the same thing to Loud Cellphone Fuckwit. And believe me, I’ve tried! But unfortunately, it seems you can’t bring a hammer with you everywhere you go, which is really a shame.

My thing is, I get self-conscious — well, moreso than usual — when engaged in telephonic conversation, and it’s due to two reasons: one, like pretty much everyone else, I really can’t perceive how loud I sound to the surrounding area, so even if I’m not intentionally being loud, in my mind, I’m bellowing like Brian Blessed; two, whether I’m genuinely being loud or speaking at a normal volume, there’s always gonna be someone eavesdropping nearby — it’s unavoidable. People don’t need to be listening to my feckin’ business. Although there have been a few times when Penda and I were enjoying our semi-monthly dinner, and being perfectly aware of our conversation being within another diner’s earshot, we’d deliberately say things to take the piss — usually centred round babies, and the proper way to prepare one for dinner. But that’s talking shite deliberately, as opposed to an actual conversation.

If I’m out and about, it’s not unusual at all for me to be on my phone — I should probably mention at this point that I always use my headset, so I have use of both hands, plus I don’t get facial schmutz on my screen that way — but usually I’ll end the call before I get out of my car. I suppose I’m simply not a typical cellphone user, as I like to keep my private conversations exactly that — private

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Machines 2, Fleshlings 0, or, Please have kidney bowl ready on June 12th, 2005

National Winter Hibernation NOW! / Overdue culling on January 18th, 2009

9 have spoken to “Telephone or megaphone?”

  1. A Brit writes:

    It seems that strangers to your blog invariably comment on the doll. So I’m going to be different – what is up with your phony Britishisms? I’m British, and I don’t know any Brit who talks like you do. “feckin'”? Who actually says that? People *swear* in Britain. We don’t adopt ridiculous euphemisms instead – that’s what *Americans* do. You sound like a character from Father Ted, which is probably where you got your ideas on what British people sound like (although it’s Irish). It’s really weird. You don’t sound British at all. You sound like some guy who has no idea about what the British are like but watches some of the TV.

    Just so you know, people who adopt Britishisms, like Madonna, are not welcomed in Britain. We think it’s ridiculous and laughable.

  2. Davecat writes:

    Ha! I guess you just can’t be charming to everyone!

    True, how I speak may not exactly be ‘true British’ — whatever that may be exactly, as a lot of Brits sound like Americans these days — but it’s unique and sets me apart from everyone around me, which is the effect I’m going for.

    So do us all a favour and die in a fire, you inbred Limey cunt. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you. And go get your fucking teeth fixed.

    Is that better?

  3. PBShelley writes:


    “It seems that strangers to your blog invariably comment on the doll.”

    Really? It seems to me that hardly anyone comments on “the doll”. It also seems to me that The Offended One doesn’t read anymore beyond what annoys him/her, and has used that as an excuse to fire his/her precious sling. It’s unlikely that any arrows fired back will pierce that thick skin, so… I’ll just say that we do live in a global society, and words and phrases will cross oceans and borders and be adopted by others, whether we like it or not. And who cares if they do?

    Oh yeah, right… anal types.

    I’ve seen “fecking” used before DC used it; it’s a fine word, and useful. So it serves its purpose, as any word should.

    Curious though… re: not accepting (those like) Madonna, you sure could have fooled me! I know that a LOT of Brits like Madonna, buy her “music” and mob her concerts! And all around the Isles you see hip-hop wannabe-s, fashion-mimics, and attitudinals just like we have over here. Or, in some cases, are. *shudders*

    That’s what *I* think is ridiculous and laughable: adopting the crass, rude and crude, and then claiming the high ground LOL

    Whatever happened to the “Great” in Great Britain? I’ve always loved the British Isles, the people, history and culture, and have a lot of friends over there. America DOES have much better to offer, so why pick the basest elements of it to emulate? It doesn’t matter whether a euphemism or not, you DO adopt other things equally as “offensive.”

    Anyway, this is more reponse than such a hostile and rude post warrants. Instead of “interesting blog you have here; not my type but by the way, why do you write in a faux-Britspeak style?” you instead presume to speak for the entire British nation in order to attempt to hurt someone.

    Nice job *applauds sarcastically*

  4. Davecat writes:

    GOOD THING ABOUT THE INTRNT: Anyone can post on it.
    BAD THING ABOUT THE INTRNT: Anyone can post on it.
    Any silly twat can essentially spout off their ill-informed opinions about anything, and not only not be required to take a lick of responsibility for it, but they can happily throw all concepts of manners, politeness, propriety, spelling, grammar, etc, out the window. I compared it to a friend like this: What A Cunt A Brit has done is the equivalent of entering my home, announcing, ‘I don’t like your loveseat lol,’ and proceeding to drop its trousers and empty its bowels all over my furniture. If you wouldn’t do it in ‘real’ life, don’t do it on the Internet. And don’t even think of acting like a fuckwit on my sites, or in my home, for that matter.
    And people wonder why I’m a misanthrope…

    Concerning US/UK culture: Think of it this way — that hideous ‘phenomenon’ known as chavs is basically American bullshit hip-hop ‘culture’ filtered through the UK. The States can’t really apologise for that; just because Great Britain saw that ‘culture’ doesn’t mean it had to adopt it.

  5. PBShelley writes:

    I’m grateful that you’re keeping a finger on the pulse of What’s Happening out there, culture-wise, because I can’t stand/relate to most of it. Never heard of chavs but that’s not surprising LOL I’ll check out your link when I can get the stomach up for it. I haven’t yet had breakfast, and I already get enough of looking at sullen, angry, and attitudinal faces demanding that I look at their sullen & etc…

    The sad thing is that since the most important music one hears is the music heard while growing up, and is really what informs us, that the current “scene” is filled with such egomaniacal, no-talented, violent, hateful, and scornful … “entrepreneurs”, let’s call them (because “artists” is an insult to Art). This “culture” pollutes and contaminates the surrounding communities with people who really only care about themselves and what they can make off of those willing to part with their money, their selfish tendencies glorified and supported by the “Cult of Celebrity” and perpetrated by the media and Corporate America who can then exploit the masses for more coin. Just watch the commercials and ads. Lots of nice little consumers, growing world-wide…

    Anyway, just my .02

    Oh, and by the way, as for not using euphemisms… You know, “ass” isn’t such a bad word, so why did they have to come up with “arse”??? “ARSE”??? This would be a fine case of pot/kettle/black, that is if it REALLY MATTERED.

    “Ewww, a euphemism! RUN AWAAYY!!!”

    Keep on keepin’ on, DC, yer doin’ good 🙂

  6. SafeTinspector writes:

    On the actual topic: The best are the businessmen talking to their soups at Panera bread. I make like a bodysnatcher, tilt my head back and SCREEECH!~!!

    As for the bit of half-hearted abuse from our easily scandalized and poorly read visitor: meh.

  7. SafeTinspector writes:

    On Feckin:
    “It’s all the feckin’ Heineken n singin'”
    Taken from
    A blog written from Ireland. Admittedly, not British, per se, but still in the UK regardless.

  8. Davecat writes:

    Not English, but definitely British, you mean. Six of one, etc etc.
    ‘Talking to their soups,’ heh heh. Perhaps in their heads, the soups talk back.

    PBS and Sexy 1 and 2 –
    Keeping an eye on popular ‘culture’ has its merits, as long as you don’t waste too much time on it. Besides, one always has to know how one’s enemy thinks, right? 😉

    ‘Arse’ is a fun one, but you can I suppose chalk it up to English/American spellings, like aluminum/aluminium; one that I don’t even touch, to be honest. When you say arse, it’s pronounced like ‘aahhs’, as opposed to ‘ayss’. Yeah, it’s stupid. 🙂

    And I was just thinking about your statement: the music one hears in their formative years helps to steer what that person will be / will be into later on, and FM these days is a wasteland of, well, shite. One of two things happen when you have shite poured into your ears on a daily basis — you either say ‘Wow, this is horrid,’ and seek other genres, or your brain turns to shite. The same thing goes for telly, obviously.
    If you think about it, it’s not really up to radio or television conglomerates to change their programming — they go with what they know. As long as there are alternatives available, then people who wish to rise above shite can get into different/better things. I don’t mind chavs / trend slaves / common folk at all, really — just as long as they stay a minimum of 100 feet away from me and my loved ones at all times…

    As an aside, Charlie Joanne’s lad Angel once referred to FM as ‘Fucking Morons’. Entirely true!

  9. Ray Rentell writes:

    How dare you say arse is stupid young fellow me lad , bloody Americans corrupting the Queens English.
    Should never of let them get away with the Boston tea party !
    I am from South London and just to show what would be the riposte to the original poster in well chosen English swearing ….. ” Your a fucking wanker , piss off before I kick your fucking head in .

    Anyway whats a fucking “euphemism” when its at home ?

    So do not pussy foot about when you reply to these people DC , use proper English like whats spoken by Her Majesty then you cannot go wrong and its “All in the best possible taste”, remember that.

    Any translations needed on English swearing give us a ring DC . OK.

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