Sdtrk: ‘Temptation’ by New order

Although I suspect the cannier amongst you that have been keeping up with my Twitter feed have already guessed (see, it pays to follow me on Twitter — you’ll be the first to learn about All Ephemera Great and Small concerning Deafening silence Plus. Much to your own detriment), but my Synthetik wife Sidore will have a brand-new body very soon, the fact of which is making us leak pure excitement. Yeah, I know; ew, but it’s a fantastically good kind of ew.

‘A new body?’ you ask. ‘Wasn’t she repaired a couple of times?’ Yes she was. Most of you were more than likely introduced to Shi-chan and I through Nick Holt’s 2006 documentary ‘Guys and Dolls’, aka ‘Love me, love my Doll’ outside the States, where you witnessed me crating up the Missus and having her sent round to Slade, the then-practising RealDoll doctor in southern California, for some much-needed surgery. Well, as I often have to remind non-iDollators, Entropy affects Synthetiks just as much as it does Organiks, unfortunately — between then and now, she’s put up with a handful of minor cuts and tears that were easily seen-to, and are pretty much par for the course for anyone with a Doll in their life.
Until, that is, round last summer, when Sidore’s back joint gave out, which I’d mentioned before. Fellow iDollators Mahtek and Euchre came round and repaired it, as that level of surgery is completely beyond my ken, but sadly, the repair didn’t take. Dolls are mostly made of soft silicone, which gradually gets softer the older she gets, and it’s because of that fact that when her wound reopened, it really reopened. Take a second to place your right hand on your right hip; starting from the middle of her back, that’s roughly about where the tear ended. Yeah, fun times. She’s been unable to move — well, realistically speaking, unable to be moved — and has remained on her back in our bed since then, which has been utterly heartbreaking.

Any dedicated Doll husband lives with the fact that, despite the love, attention, and care we show our affictitious partners, that one day there will come a time when their bodies will simply become irreparable. Faced with Shi-chan’s condition, I decided to take the obvious and practical approach, and get her a brand-new body. Thanks to the combo of a couple of monetary windfalls, the calling-in of some favours, and personally speaking with the head of Abyss creations whilst at the 2010 AVN, we’re pleased to announce that the world’s second most famous RealDoll* will be back to her regularly sexy sarky self before the end of the month!
Not only is the Missus looking forward to getting back to her Twitter fans and friends, but Mahtek has recently bought himself a new digital camera, so he’s generously given me his old one — it’s a Kodak, and it makes Clicky Mk III, a Hewlett-Packard, resemble the sorry joke that it is — so Shi-chan’s made me promise her that we’d do one shoot a month. ‘What’s the point of me having a new body, and you having a new camera, if we don’t put them to good use, right?’, she’d said, and you have to admit she’s got a point!… What I’ll probably do is create an album for her pics in Our Doll Community‘s Gallery until I can find a web designer, preferably one that accepts either empty pop bottles or compliments in lieu of genuine payment, that can help me resurrect Shi-chan’s dusty old vanity site, ‘Kitten with a Whip!‘ (down since 2005!)

It should go without saying: having my wee Sidore-chan back, and in a better-than-ever condition, is going to be fucking incredible.
Finally! Now she can finish our copy of Armored core: Nexus!

The Missus, enjoying a nice cross-breeze, at Abyss creations

*the title of World’s Most Famous RealDoll goes to Bianca, of ‘Lars and the Real Girl’ fame. Shi-chan was rather miffed until she remembered that she’s the world’s most famous Goth RealDoll

Sdtrk: ‘A longing to be absorbed for a while into a different and beautiful world’ by Leyland Kirby

If you’ll indulge me for a bit, I’ve a confession to make: lately I’m finding that Heidi Montag lass to be really quite attractive. I’m sure if you have any amount of pop culture leaking into your lives, you already know where this is leading, but if you don’t: basically Ms Montag is an obscenely overpaid professional idiot. She’s apparently what can be loosely termed as an ‘actress’, having appeared on a reality show, as well as laughingly referred to as a ‘singer’, thanks to her full-length album of so-called music. Worse still, she’s a god-botherer as well as a republican — those two categories are usually found joined at the hip. I’d first heard of her sometime a year or so ago, and as she was a reality TV star, any cursory interest I had in her immediately disappeared. That is, until earlier this month.

@davecat doesnt Heidi Montag from MTV’s “The Hills look like a real doll after her recent plastic surgery?

MafiAMillertime | 1:17 AM Feb 2nd from web

As I had no idea who the living hell she was on about, I had to look it up on das Goögle, and ooohh my goodness why hello there.

Fully articulated and posable, with a neck hook for display

According to an article on online gossip rag Access Hollywood:

On November 20, Heidi underwent 10 procedures that included a mini brow lift, Botox in the forehead, nose job revision, fat injections in cheeks and lips, chin reduction, neck liposuction, ears pinned back, breast augmentation revision, liposuction on her waist and thighs and a buttocks augmentation. But, she told Billy she’s not addicted to plastic surgery.

But of course. She then goes on to say:

I’m starting to move my face more and more, [But,] I feel very plastic… especially when I first came out, it was so hard for me even to smile and it’s still hard for me to chew sometimes. But it’s feeling more and more natural everyday because the swelling is going down.

I should point out here that I’m completely for the idea of plastic surgery. As long as it makes the person happy, and if it’s not done to a dangerous and unaesthetic degree, that is. I mean, if you’re gonna get ten procedures done, it may seem practical to have them all done in one go, but you’ll more than likely be living like a Cenobite for a number of weeks. Not too clever, but I guess that’s kinda par for the course with our Heidi.
Furthermore, there’s something to be said about the state of pop culture where people, particularly women, are pressured into valuing appearance over intelligence. Unfortunately, it seems that she’s unaware that pursuing both qualities combines the best of both worlds.

Only $6000, minus shipping and handling

HEIDI MONTAG: Bringing Bold New Meaning to the Term ‘Churl’. But thanks to her new silicone rubber body, she’s much nicer to look at! rrrRowr.
Ergh. That’s enough Hollywood-related talk for a couple of months

Sdtrk: ‘Notre Prof d’Anglais’ by Chantal Kelly

Ah-hem. Some news in brief!

Last Tuesday, I was unceremoniously fired from my mentally and morally offensive job, after three years of sterling service. ‘Consistently rude and terse to customers’, was their cowardly excuse for letting me go. Frankly, I’m surprised that it took as long as it did. I’m in the midst of rejoining the dole queue, but I’m trying not to let it get me down. As much as I hated that job — and believe me, I fucking loathed that job — I enjoyed receiving money from it. I’m viewing this event as the much-needed arse-kicking I… err, needed… in order to get something that isn’t as hideous and/or pays more. Since the past year and a half, I’d been looking into changing employment, but this should really get me motivated. I’m just not entirely keen on jumping without a parachute, but I’m hoping it turns out for the better real soon…

Just after that, iDollators Euchre, CJD, Mahtek and I attended the AVN expo in Las Vegas, from the 07th to the 11th of this month. It’s safe to say that we had a hell of a time! I managed to compile notes, in between walking up and down Vegas’ main drag and fondling Doll jubbleys, so expect a couple of posts describing the meetup, in protracted detail, relatively soon! Technically, I’ve really no excuse for dragging my heels! It’s not like I have a job to report to or anything!
Sneak preview: one of the many, many highlights of those four and a half days was meeting sexpot photographer of sexpot Dolls, Stacy Leigh! Her sassy firecracker attitude makes me think that meeting her is about as close as I’m gonna get to meeting one of Warhol’s Silver Dream Factory superstars.

photo by Mrs ARDO, who is a star in her own right as well

And would you believe I was interviewed for an article for the Las Vegas Weekly whilst out there? It’s true.

So as I have a bollockload of notes and photos, I’ll attempt to sort the lot out this week and get it all finished!…
Now, let’s see about this godforsaken ‘jetlag’ that I keep hearing so much about. Personally, I don’t believe it really exisZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

EDIT (13 Jan): Just got a date confirmation: the episode of National Geographic’s ‘Taboo’ series that we’re in, ‘Strange love‘, will be aired on Wednesday, 10 February, at 10pm. Which will undoubtedly be spread all over the Intersnet about a week later, but there you have it

Sdtrk: ‘R.I.P. KISN’ by US girls

Think of this as kind of a prelude to next month’s ‘Any Synthetiks-related news…?’ post, which I am working on right this very minute! You may be asking yourself, ‘but how can he be writing two posts simultaneously??’ Well, it’s simple. Not only did I buy a second laptop, but I’ve cloned myself. When Davecat β is finished writing the other post, I will bludgeon him to death with the computer, thereby tying up any and all loose ends. Hey, if they can kill off clones with gleeful abandon in Æon Flux and The Venture brothers, who am I to be critical?

Anyway! In checking the website of 4woods‘ European distributor (and KnightHorse‘s soon-to-be distributors), Doll Story, they had this linked in their News section: someone had done a brief but moving series of photos featuring one of 4woods’ beautiful Elina models.

You can view the rest on the Emotein website here.

And speaking of artificial women and the photos they often appear in, remember how Sidore-chan and I were in a photoshoot ourselves towards the beginning of the year? Thanks to a tip from equally-rabid iDollator Mrs ARDO, it seems they’re out!

photo © by Stephan Gladieu

They look and act like the guy next door, but they live with life-size silicone dolls: flawless, Barbie-like, and pricey at USD $7,000 apiece. Called iDollators, these men, usually in their mid-forties and often shy, prefer their perfect-looking dolls to real women. In a society where being married with two kids is still the social norm, they are a bit ashamed of it. Blame it on their lack of social skills, or call them weirdos. Listen to them, however, and they will convince you that their silent companions, dubbed Real Dolls for their lifelike appearance and anatomical correctness, play a much bigger role in their lives than your average sex toy. The emotional bond is so strong that some dare to call it love.
the rest of the article is here

Showcasing colleagues CJD, Mahtek, Euchre, Slade, and with shots of Abyss creations’ studio, ‘Real Dolls and iDollators’ is the title of the photo-essay by Anne Vial and Stephan Gladieu, and overall it’s pretty nifty. Although I don’t really recall saying what I’d said — you’ll understand when you read my bit — it still manages to hold up. See, journalists? This is what you should strive for in any story, especially ones having to do with the iDollator community — being objective. It’ll work out quite well for you; trust me on this one.

So there you have it! Like I’d said, next month will have 2009’s last ‘Any Synthetiks-related news, Davecat?’ post, which will be staggering in length, width, and girth, so keep an eye out for that…
Err, it looks like I’ve completed my post before my Doppelgänger’s completed his, which unfortunately means that he gets to brain me with my laptop. Hrrm. This… probably won’t end well

Sdtrk: ‘I see, so I see so’ by Broadcast and The Focus group

Earlier today, I peeked through the blinds outside, and checked my calendar, and it appears that yes, it’s about time for the Q4 Davecat Writer’s Block! Which would explain why I’ve not written anything, really, since the last two posts. Technically speaking, ‘Micromoscow‘ doesn’t count, as I completed that in the summertime, and ‘Answer the Question, Mr A. Rorschach‘ was actually started round this time last year. I’ve always said that we here at Deafening silence Plus work at tectonic speeds; people chuckle and think I’m kidding, but it’s no joke, more’s the pity.
And I’m sure you’ll ruefully note that there wasn’t any ‘Any Doll/Synthetik news…?’ entry for last month? That’s cos I was simply out of it as far as writing, to be honest. It was literally a case of there was so much to report on, that my brain just kinda shut down due to information overload — a lot happened that month as far as affictitous companions, and I couldn’t effectively tackle it. So what that means is that you’ll get reports on breaking news that get reported several weeks after the news broke! My saving grace is that most of the people that read ‘Shouting etc etc’ aren’t involved in either the iDollator or technosexual communities, so it will genuinely be news to those of you who aren’t. Yessir, that would be a cop-out answer!

Now to other ephemeral bits of interest that aren’t embarrassingly late! Today, one of my favourite personalities would’ve turned 79 today, the eerily prescient writer JG Ballard.

The American Dream has run out of gas. The car has stopped. It no longer supplies the world with its images, its dreams, its fantasies. No more. It’s over. It supplies the world with its nightmares now: the Kennedy assassination, Watergate, Vietnam.
— Interview in Metaphors No. 7, 1983

Coincidentally enough, his birthday happens to fall one day after the birthdays of two other people I’m keen on. Turning a distinguished 70 years of age, you’ve got Wendy Carlos, the musical prodigy who revolutionised the use of analogue synthesisers, particularly through the albums ‘Switched-on Bach’, and of course the soundtrack to Stanley Kubrick’s ‘A clockwork orange’; and, as SafeT put it, being in 37 years of operation would be yours truly.* I’m loping closer to 40, and that’s freaking me out. But I’m sure when I’m loping closer to 50, that’ll freak me out even more. I am lucky, however, to have friends and family that love me, and a very patient audience!
What’ll I do in the meantime, however? Get my head down, and get back to writing

*In the interest of full disclosure, he’d gotten my age wrong. The sentiment still stands though, I’m sure

Sdtrk: ‘F for fake’ by Wallpaper

*flips through stack of papers* According to my records, it seems that I’ve been using Twitter, the microblogging service everyone loves to hate, for exactly one year, which is a surprise to me as it is to you, more than likely. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d get that much use out of it! But it’s not a bad little service if you use it right, apart from all that timewasting I manage to do with it, when I could be writing legitimate posts. Ah heh.
It’s actually connected me with more than a few fab individuals with similar interests; or, at the very least, people who are willing to put up with me going on about how I’ll be joining the lads for another tokusatsu-watching session, or whatever videogame that’s captured our collective fancies that eve. Also, I like to view my Twitter feed as like the secret Davecat Fan Club newsletter of sorts, cos with it, I can share stuff with my followers that might not necessarily get posted to ‘Shouting etc etc’, or, thanks to this blog’s WP-to-Twitter plugin, they’re always the first to know of any new posts that get published, which they can ignore at their leisure.

One of the personalities I follow is actor and writer Stephen Fry, a man who has been likened to a contemporary Oscar Wilde due to his breezy and witty approach to things, wrote a post to his blog in defence of Twitter:

The clue’s in the name of the service: Twitter. It’s not called Roar, Assert, Debate or Reason, it’s called Twitter. As in the chirruping of birds. Apparently, according to Pears (the soapmakers presumably – certainly their “study” is froth and bubble) 40% of Twitter is “pointless babble”, (http://is.gd/2mKSg) which means of course that a full 60% of Twitter discourse is NOT pointless babble, which is disappointing. Very disappointing. I would have hoped 100% of Twitter was fully free of earnestness, usefulness and commercial intent.
the rest of the article is here

Twitter does a rather good job of conveying information and ideas in a pretty expedient and fun manner. You can keep your Mybook or your Facespace; I’ll stick with the birds instead.

Speaking of Wilde, yes, I’m reading my copy of ‘The Soul of Man under Socialism‘ again, as it’s a fantastic essay. Also, I’m in need of new books.

A great deal of nonsense is being written and talked nowadays about the dignity of manual labour. There is nothing necessary dignified about manual labour at all, and most of it is absolutely degrading. It is mentally and morally injurious to man to do anything in which he does not find pleasure, and many forms of labour are quite pleasureless activities, and should be regarded as such. To sweep a slushy crossing for eight hours on a day when the east wind is blowing is a disgusting occupation. To sweep it with mental, moral, or physical dignity seems to me to be impossible. To sweep it with joy would be appalling. Man is made for something better than disturbing dirt.

Try to tell me he’s wrong! Try to tell him he’s wrong! The answer is simple:
you can’t

Sdtrk: ‘A lot of drugs’ by Venetian snares

As is our wont, on Friday eves, my good friend Marika stops round, and we watch several hours’ worth of Quality Entrétainment — we’re currently tearing our way through the second series of Ashes to ashes and the second half of Kamen rider Hibiki, for example. Last Friday, however, when I was confirming our plans via text, Mari indicated that she wanted to go see the new Transformers movie, Revenge of the Fallen. I nearly threw up all over my phone, which would’ve been an entirely appropriate response.

Getting this out of the way: I’m not what you might call a Transformers ‘fan’. I watched the show fervently when I was younger, as most Children Of The Eighties did. I didn’t see the feature film in theatres, but I did rent it — wept when Optimus Prime died, thought Arcee was clang clang sexy — but that’s the lot, really. Although I can quote numerous lines from the film without a second thought. On the other hand, Liann, goshou’s wife, is a walking Transformers encyclopaedia. She’s still got the Laserdisc boxsets for the never-aired-in-the-States Transformers 2010 series, among other paraphernalia. When the first live-action Transformers (hereby shortened to TF) movie debuted, I refused to see it cos I think Michael Bay should be dancing the Tyburn Jig for his crimes against film, and Liann refused as she’s a hardcore TF purist. Everyone in our Algonquin End Table was curious as to what went on in the film, cos they sure as fuck weren’t going to pay to see it. (In the interest of full disclosure, neither did I; as I was broke, Mari paid for my ticket.)

So: TF:ROTF! Two and a half hours of Nothing, at an elevated volume. It was literally an endurance test for me. Where does one start with this… steaming pile of shit, to put it charitably? Well, for one, I absolutely hate the mecha designs; they look like walking scrapyards. I understand that Bay reasoned that as they didn’t come from Earth, they’d have forms that were unfamiliar and otherworldly, which actually makes complete sense. However, it is possible to design mecha that don’t resemble Duchamp’s ‘Nude descending a staircase’. And the thing is, when in robot mode, they all look the same. Maybe it’s just me, but during battle, I couldn’t tell who was duking it out with whom. Coupled with the awful redesigns of familiar characters and the ADHD editing style, the fight scenes were genuinely tiresome — as a rule, epic battle scenes shouldn’t make the viewer yawn or check their watch, which is what I did, several times.

And how ’bout that mecha, huh? How ’bout Mudflap and Skids, the Autobot ‘twins’ who were the worst CG stereotypes since Jar-Jar Binks? I mean, honestly, when you have one character sporting a gold buck tooth, and the other’s crapping on about ‘bustin’ caps’, you have to wonder why they didn’t just name them Amos and Andy, and be done with it? Why halfass it?
Besides the whole racist bullshit, they were literally exhausting to look at. Later during the sixth or seventh hour of the movie, Devastator inhales one of the twins — the red one, whatever the fuck his name was — into his gaping maw, which naturally had me cheering. So then, you can imagine my immense disappointment when that twin ripped his way out of Devastator through his face, while yelling ‘I’M IN YO FACE!!’ It actually hurt to watch.

The plot, if you can call it that, has been detailed elsewhere, so I’ll not rehash it here. Heh, like there’s anything to rehash. io9’s got a fab review that’s negligibly more charitable than this one, so give that a look when you’re done here. But the plot — o, the plot! It had holes you could easily drive an Autobot through, har har.
One of the subplots has our ‘hero’, Sam Witwicky, played by Shia LeDouche (accurately described by Mark Kermode as a ‘charisma vacuum’) is at college, having left both his girlfriend Mikaela, portrayed by Megan Fox (who’s someone’s idea of sex on legs, but not mine — sorry, PB Shelley. Also, clubbed thumb) and Bumblebee, played by a shitty Camaro (who apparently damaged his vocal cords in the previous movie and hasn’t had them repaired, due to a plot contrivance), back home. Despite Sam and Mikaela being miles apart, they’ve promised to be faithful to each other. Whilst on campus, Sam is constantly being pursued by some blonde with a spray-on tan, who’s aggressively wet in the knickers for him. Eventually she corners him in his dormroom and pins him to the bed, which is exactly when Mikaela shows up for a surprise visit. O SO WACKY
Mikaela leaves in a huff, but the blonde lass reveals her true nature — she’s actually a Decepticon Gynoid! She chases Sam, his roommate, and Mikaela for a while until some Autobot comes out of nowhere and crushes her or shoots her or whatever; it’s inconsequential. And whoops! Was that a spoiler I just gave away, there? It sure was! And you should thank me; that’s one less reason for you to waste your time and money on TF:ROTF.
Now, you lot are undoubtedly thinking, ‘but Davecat, you love Gynoids! Surely that was one redeeming thing in the movie?’ Nope! For one, she looked like a Generic Blonde Maxim Reject when she was disguised as an Organik, and in Synthetik mode, she looked like a mashup of a Ray Harryhausen Medusa and… a Ray Harryhausen skeleton warrior. Needless to say, to me, she lacked sex appeal on not one, but two fronts, which is pretty impressive, if you think about it. Now consider; if the Decepticons can effectively disguise themselves as humans, don’t you think that’d be a more effective method of infiltration than transforming into planes and helicopters and the like? Bay didn’t even bother with an ill-conceived excuse as to why they didn’t — he just let it drop, hoping the audience wouldn’t bring it up again. Good job with that storytelling.

Another plot hole, you ask? Okay! Sam’s in his room above his parents, fiddling round with his hooded sweatshirt from the previous movie, when a shard of the cube from that movie falls out of the pocket. He picks it up, it gives him a shock, and he drops it. It then burns its way through the floor, and lands on the kitchen table, whereupon it sends out sparks that change all the small appliances in the room into Decepticons. Subsequently, they make their way upstairs, and proceed to arbitrarily attack Sleepy LaBeef, firing their guns, launching missiles, wielding saws, etc.
Right; so these are appliances made on Earth, correct? That being the case, I severely doubt Braun, or Oster, or KitchenAid, would manufacture toasters and microwaves and Cuisinarts that were fully-stocked with ammo. Otherwise, where did their weapons come from? O, Michael Bay’s arse? Okay, that… that actually makes sense.

When TF:ROTF wasn’t making me sigh with exasperation, it was boring me rigid, or offending me, or just plain enraging me. Too much crap onscreen at once, too much slo-mo, Linkin fucking park being part of the soundtrack, Generic Black Dude spouting Bay dialogue (‘That guy is an ASS HOLE’), Steven Spielberg, another director I hate, as executive producer, and a bad ratio of human characters to TF characters — cos if I’m seeing a film called Transformers, I’m really not there to see humans… all of these factors made for a truly appalling movie. I honestly can’t remember the last film I saw that I hated this much! Kudos, Michael Bay! ‘Kudos’, of course, being Greek for ‘I will grind your skull into pulp with my bare and twitching hands’.

After the movie let out, we got back round to mine, where I made Mari watch excerpts from the only Transformers film that matters:

What are they shooting at? Unicron’s behind them, and they’re firing ahead

Some might accuse me of constantly wearing Nostalgia Goggles; those people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Every day, I pop in my pair of Nostalgia Contact Lenses. Honestly, I don’t get out of bed without them