YES I’M AWAKE / Too bad she never met Kevin Bacon

typed for your pleasure on 31 January 2008, at 1.58 am

Sdtrk: ‘Narco Martenot’ by Stereolab

Right, I fully admit it: I’ve been a lazy tosser. So lazy! Between the bizarre weather (literally, close to 50°F one day, close to 20°F the next), fighting off yet another supercold because of the aforementioned weather, finally finishing off Half-life 2, Monti and I finding out last Saturday that Nippon kai, our favourite Japanese restaurant, has apparently lost their lease, and voraciously reading David Levy’s encouraging ‘Love and Sex with Robots‘, I’ve been slacking off on my duties as a blogger* in a major way. It’s not like I have absolutely nothing to write about — for instance, right this minute I’m peering at my bookmarks folder for potential subjects for the ‘This was the Future’ series, and there’s like twenty-seven candidates — I just haven’t felt compelled to sit down and write. This is due to the fact that I am an indolent sack of ordure. So lazy!
The upshot of it is, I will get back to writing soon enough. Well, typing. Doing this now, I feel like I’m returning to a more writerly mode, so that’s reassuring. So don’t panic!

In the interim, have another Ribald Tale from my Saucy Workplace!
ME: Okay Mrs Porpyruptup**, we’ll send you out a reminder card; you should see it in about three to five days.
MRS PORPYRUPTUP: That’s fine. Be sure to make a note on it that it’s a reminder, to give me a kick in the shin.
ME: Ha ha! We wouldn’t do that! It’d ruin your chances to win the, err, shin-dancing… competition.
MRS PORPYRUPTUP: Oh no, I never learned how to dance. My parents didn’t allow it.
ME: They didn’t allow dancing? How is that even possible? Were they Quakers? Did they arrive on the Mayflower?
MRS PORPYRUPTUP: Well, it just wasn’t in the environment.
ME: Well that was then, but what about now? What do you do when you hear a song you like? You just kinda lie down on the floor in a cold sweat, wishing the song would end? *starts giggling uncontrollably*

*Yeah, ‘duties as a blogger’. It’s okay, I’m snickering too
**her name wasn’t so much changed to protect the innocent, as it was me completely not remembering it

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typed for your pleasure on 21 January 2008, at 11.57 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Here it goes again’ by OK go

I’ve said before, but it bears repeating: Sidore and I clearly need an agent. Cos then, we wouldn’t have wildly inappropriate enquiries such as this:

from: M*******
to: pulsedemon [at]
date: Jan 15, 2008 3:07 PM
subject: The Tyra Banks Show

Dear DaveCat,

How are you? My name is M******* and I am a production assistant at the Tyra Banks Show. I recently came across the documentary you participated in about the hyper-realistic dolls. I wanted to speak with you about an upcoming show we are producing for early next week. We would love to hear your story. Please call me at (phone number) or please leave contact info where you can be reached so that we may contact you.

Thanks so much and we hope to hear from you soon,


Production Associate
The Tyra Banks Show

Yes, Tyra Banks. Even with the esteemed likes of Heraldo and (Not a) Doctor Phil attempting to woo me, occurences like this still continue to stun me. It’s funny-peculiar though, as I remember reading on TDF that there was supposed to be an episode of the Tyra Banks show that dealt with RealDolls, but this was almost half a year before anyone had ever read about ‘Lars and the Real Girl’. Maybe they’re just now getting round to it?
So I wrote back:

from: Dave Kuroneko
to: M*******
date: Jan 16, 2008 11:42 AM
subject: Re: The Tyra Banks Show

Hey M******* –

Thanks for your enquiry! However, I’m not entirely sure if The Tyra Banks Show is the right venue for lengthy, in-depth discussion of the merits of having a Synthetik companion. Plus, apart from lack of compensation, the travel expense, and the short notice, I don’t do too well with crowds, to be perfectly honest…
Thanks again for asking, though!


Now, call me crazy, but I don’t honestly see Ms Banks’ staffers having done any deep research into iDollator history and culture. What probably happened is someone sent Tyra a link to ‘Guys and Dolls’; she stared at it in wide-eyed shock, and after recomposing herself, assigned some production associates such as M******* to scour the Series of Tubes, in order to find some of these doll freaks to base a programme around. ‘Make it happen, people,’ Tyra shouts, clapping her hands vigourously.
So M******* sez, she sez:

from: M*******
to: Dave Kuroneko
date: Jan 16, 2008 12:02 PM
subject: Re: The Tyra Banks Show


Thanks so much for getting back to me. We really found the footage of you highlighting your story to be very compelling. We are very interested in hearing where you are coming from and want to portray you in the way you want to be portrayed. The date of the show has actually changed to sometime later in the month. We do not have a concrete date yet, however we will be able to give you more notice since the date of the show has changed. As soon as we find this date out, we will be sure to let you know. We will definitely be able to compensate you, and if you would feel more comfortable having someone come with you to New York, we would be more than happy to make that happen. I would like to talk with you more in depth so you can understand where we are coming from. Is there a number where you can be reached? Also, you can reach me at anytime at (phone number). Thank you so much for your time and we really look forward to hearing from you and working with you.


Heh. ‘Compelling’. That’s an adjective I rank up there with ‘interesting’, in that it doesn’t necessarily mean good or bad. You can find a video of talking cats compelling. You can also find footage of a ten-car pile up in action compelling. Both events draw the eye, but just because it gets your attention doesn’t always mean it’s good.
My response? It was kinda funny, as I was falling gently asleep at work while on the phone with a boring client, and she (the client) asked me why I was so tired. I proceeded to mention that I was up until 2 am the previous night mainly writing Emails and hangin’ out with Gordon Freeman, and as my roll of explanation spun out more and more, it suddenly struck me that I hadn’t written M******* back regarding the show. That woke me up, by god. I started to freak out a bit, to be honest. Sure, there may be instances with offers of television appearances on shows I really don’t want anything to do with, but just because I’m not interested is no reason to be unprofessional and leave the person asking hanging. So as soon as my first break was done — and after a brief ‘power nap’ — I hastily Emailed the following reply back with my Treo:

from: Dave Kuroneko
to: M*******
date: Jan 21, 2008 1:28 PM
subject: Re: The Tyra Banks Show

Hey M******* –

Sorry for the delay; I spent most of my week-end away from my apartment. You know how it goes…

To be honest, I’m probably going to have to decline. I honestly don’t trust the media — in particular, television shows — that come out of the States, as a lot of them tend towards sensationalism. A couple of months ago, I turned down opportunities to speak about being an iDollator on both Geraldo and Dr Phil for the same reasons. I usually try to stick to either dedicated documentaries, or shows from other countries (‘Guys and Dolls’ was originally intended to be shown only on BBC), as they’re less likely to spin it into something that could be detrimental to both my life, and iDollator culture in general.

With all due respect, I’ll have to pass. Thanks again for the offer!


Yeah; needless to say, that would’ve been a disaster of Hindenburgian proportions. A cluster of klieg lights melting my face off my skull, whilst a room full of people fail to understand what the hell I’m talking about or why being an iDollator is even an option. Just watch though, as Tyra’s crew contacts Everhard. Or Stacy Leigh. Or Gordon Griggs?

I know, right? Tyra Banks, of all people! Who’s next, Sally Jesse Raphael? She still has a show, right? Shows you how often I watch telly

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Ambers — they’re everywhere

typed for your pleasure on 20 January 2008, at 10.27 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Dinner’, from the ‘Valerie and her week of wonders’ soundtrack

Do you have a tele-vision? Do you have cable, or can you otherwise receive channels from the wintry land of Canada? Well, the good people at CityTV’s forward-thinking programme SexTV will have a segment on Amber and her Synthetik twin/bride. Or, to put it another way, they’ll have a segment on Amber and her Organik twin/bride. One of ’em will be doing more talking than the other, I’m sure. As you might recall, the SexTV folk did a piece with yours truly and the Missus back in the heady days of 2003, so I’m certain that Amber’s segment will be just as informative and entertaining. Very nice!

So yes! Their episode will be airing this Monday (that’s tomorrow), 21 January, at 9pm EST. It’ll be the one with Margaret Cho on it as well. I’ll have to ask the SexTV staffers for a DVD copy, as I don’t have cable. I have a cable, but it’s just not the same

‘You taste like rubber.’ ‘So do you.’

Technorati tags: SexTV, Amber Hawk Swanson, RealDolls

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typed for your pleasure on 13 January 2008, at 3.45 am

Sdtrk: ‘Red light’ by Siouxsie and the Banshees

Not so much news as a heads-up: Axis Japan, 1st-PC, and, after a very long wait, Abyss creations, have all updated their sites for the new year. Axis Japan’s got a cluster of new pics of their Honey Doll models, 1st-PC boasts a more streamlined site layout, and Abyss has both a modern site layout (with pics by the esteemed and sexy iDollator Stacy Leigh), and with pics of their new Face 15 and 16 types, Lisa and Gabrielle. Well, as of this writing, they’ve yet to load pics of those, but I’m sure it’s at the top of their To-Do List…

A couple of days previous, I received an Email from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous, letting me know there’s a new blog that details ‘the “sex with robots” meme’, called, of all things, SpurtBOT. Despite the daffy name, they have a critical approach with a light touch that doesn’t go down dry. Yes, that was a pun. Worth a bookmarking? I’d say so!

And yesterday, while out and about wi’ me mates ransacking Ann arbor, I picked up a copy of David Levy’s recent book, ‘Love and Sex with Robots‘, as recommended by frequent reader ButtonJessie. (Hi, BuJe!) As you suspect, I’m rather looking forward to reading that…

So there you have it! This instalment isn’t as thick and rich as the usual ones, but I’m hoping more news rolls in as the months roll past. In the meantime, here’s a sexy picture to make up the difference!

Is she sleeping on toweling? That can’t be comfortable

Technorati tags: Axis Japan, Honey Dolls, 1st-PC, Abyss Creations, RealDolls, Stacy Leigh, iDollators, SpurtBOT, David Levy, robots, Androids, Gynoids, Technosexuals

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typed for your pleasure on 11 January 2008, at 1.37 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Judy is a punk’ by the Ramones

A number of months ago while on my daily route to work, I’d noticed a storefront on westbound 12 mile that specialises in gardening, historical landscaping, and the like. They listed in bold lettering on one of their windows what their specialties are, and I’d noticed that one of their services is the design of follies. Now, a folly, if you’re not familiar with it, is a structure that serves no true purpose except for ostentatious decoration. They’re usually either towers or monuments; some can be castles or gardens. Interestingly enough, the Wiki entry lists North Korea’s legendary non-existent building, the Ryugyong Hotel, as a folly, which stands to reason.
Personally, I can’t say I’m very knowledgable about follies, and my architectural/cultural interest in them isn’t as intense as all that 20th century Modern stuff that I love, but follies are kinda ace. The premise is fantastic and retarded all at the same time. ‘I’m an addle-brained gout-riddled baron with too much money, and I’m going to build a fanciful tower on my estate so that my name lives forever. FOREVER!!’ *flings turkey leg at nearest wolfhound, bursts into long, discomforting laughter* The closest thing we have to that nowadays are mausoleums, and decorative as those can be, their purpose is pretty clear-cut. With a folly, it’s more like, ‘I built it because I could’.

So as I’d said, I pass this place on a regular basis, and one morning recently I’d noticed there was a bloke in a t-shirt at the drafting table, clearly visible from the road, at work on a design. The astonishing thing was this was at a quarter to eight in the morning.
Seven-forty five in the AM, and you’re in there, sketchin’ up follies?? Has there been a sudden upswing in folly demand, the likes of which haven’t been seen since 18th century England, that I somehow managed to miss? I mean, apart from the Millenium Dome, that is?

If you’re becoming more and more rabidly curious about follies, you can check out The Folly Fancier, which is where I first learned of the phenomenon. Ahh, Internet.

Unrelated: To my own shame, I’d like to point out that I’m 35 years old, and I still haven’t heard Kraftwerk’s ‘Autobahn’ in its entirety. Or ‘The Man-machine’. Or ‘Trans-Europe express’, for that matter. In fact, I really haven’t heard most of their backcatalogue, with the exception of Computer world (had it on vinyl), Electric cafe (had it on tape) and Radioactivity (had it on Cd). But not having heard all of ‘Autobahn’? That’s actually something to be ashamed of

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Once the Elvis Presley is mass-produced, we’ll be able to crush the Federation in no time

typed for your pleasure on 2 January 2008, at 2.17 am

Sdtrk: ‘A stairway to the stars’ by The caretaker

Anyone who’s ever been on an airplane owned by an American airline in the past couple of decades has more than likely flipped merrily through a SkyMall catalogue. Taking consumer excess to zany new extremes, the SkyMall selection consists of overpriced rubbish, designed for ostensible convenience, aimed at people with more money than sense. Things like motorised illuminated tie racks, or a Murphy bed for dogs, or garden sculptures shaped like a yeti, or nearly anything with the word ‘executive’ appended to the front of the title. You think I’m joking?

Recently, my pal Zip Gun came back from a flight with a copy of a recent catalogue, with a page dog-eared just for me:

A hunka hunka burning silicone

“Alive Elvis” animatronic robot moves, talks and sings just like “The King” in his “’68 Comeback Special”!

Elvis Presley–the biggest-selling and most charismatic solo artist in music history–is captured here in all his heartbreaking glory, just as he looked on television’s legendary “Elvis ’68 Comeback Special.”

“Alive Elvis” is a lifelike and life-size bust of Elvis Presley. State-of-the-art technologies–multiple infrared vision sensors, stereo speakers, 10 precision motors with motion-capture facial animations, and 21st century materials–have been used by Wowwee to lovingly craft a robot that looks, feels, sounds and moves like a real person. Wowwee Alive Elvis is the first high-quality animatronic robot of any superstar ever designed for a fan’s home or office.
taken from this page

That’s right; clear out a special place in your home right now for 1/5th of an Android Elvis. The descriptions, both on the SkyMall page and the manufacturer’s site, are kinda disappointing, as the SkyMall print catalogue gets a little sexy with the descriptive phrases — things like ‘stroke his lifelike hair’ and ‘gaze into his baby blue eyes’; things of that nature. So I suppose if you 1) are a Technosexual, and 2) love Elvis beyond all reason, then this product is made specifically for you. Certainly I fall into the first category, but much like Nineties alt.pop group The Wonder Stuff, I’ve never loved Elvis. I don’t even like him as a friend!

Which begs the question: How much money will I have to give WowWee for them to make an Alive™ France Gall? Come on, people, don’t crush my pervy dreams

Technorati tags: SkyMall, Elvis Presley, robots, Androids, Technosexuals, WowWee, France Gall, yeti

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