Once the Elvis Presley is mass-produced, we’ll be able to crush the Federation in no time

typed for your pleasure on 2 January 2008, at 2.17 am

Sdtrk: ‘A stairway to the stars’ by The caretaker

Anyone who’s ever been on an airplane owned by an American airline in the past couple of decades has more than likely flipped merrily through a SkyMall catalogue. Taking consumer excess to zany new extremes, the SkyMall selection consists of overpriced rubbish, designed for ostensible convenience, aimed at people with more money than sense. Things like motorised illuminated tie racks, or a Murphy bed for dogs, or garden sculptures shaped like a yeti, or nearly anything with the word ‘executive’ appended to the front of the title. You think I’m joking?

Recently, my pal Zip Gun came back from a flight with a copy of a recent catalogue, with a page dog-eared just for me:


A hunka hunka burning silicone

“Alive Elvis” animatronic robot moves, talks and sings just like “The King” in his “’68 Comeback Special”!

Elvis Presley–the biggest-selling and most charismatic solo artist in music history–is captured here in all his heartbreaking glory, just as he looked on television’s legendary “Elvis ’68 Comeback Special.”

“Alive Elvis” is a lifelike and life-size bust of Elvis Presley. State-of-the-art technologies–multiple infrared vision sensors, stereo speakers, 10 precision motors with motion-capture facial animations, and 21st century materials–have been used by Wowwee to lovingly craft a robot that looks, feels, sounds and moves like a real person. Wowwee Alive Elvis is the first high-quality animatronic robot of any superstar ever designed for a fan’s home or office.
taken from this page

That’s right; clear out a special place in your home right now for 1/5th of an Android Elvis. The descriptions, both on the SkyMall page and the manufacturer’s site, are kinda disappointing, as the SkyMall print catalogue gets a little sexy with the descriptive phrases — things like ‘stroke his lifelike hair’ and ‘gaze into his baby blue eyes’; things of that nature. So I suppose if you 1) are a Technosexual, and 2) love Elvis beyond all reason, then this product is made specifically for you. Certainly I fall into the first category, but much like Nineties alt.pop group The Wonder Stuff, I’ve never loved Elvis. I don’t even like him as a friend!

Which begs the question: How much money will I have to give WowWee for them to make an Alive™ France Gall? Come on, people, don’t crush my pervy dreams

Technorati tags: SkyMall, Elvis Presley, robots, Androids, Technosexuals, WowWee, France Gall, yeti

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Metal machine maiden on August 3rd, 2008

Problem solved!? on May 9th, 2006

14 have spoken to “Once the Elvis Presley is mass-produced, we’ll be able to crush the Federation in no time”

  1. SafeTinspector writes:

    I don’t think Elvis ever held his head straight like that….

  2. ButtonJessie writes:

    Hey you 🙂
    Thought I’d drop a note here for anyone UK based (Hyde, I know you’re local :)) and interested in synthetiks – theres a programme on tonight on Channel 4 called ‘My Fake Baby’ – sensationalist title as usual, but might be an interesting watch me thinks.
    Hope you had a lovely Crimbo Davecat – did you venture out at all or did you and the missus stay in? Just wondering – do you buy gifts for Sidore to give you? I wouldn’t mind chosing some of my own pressies lol! Mind you, Mr ButtonJessie did a stonkingly good job this year and got me the complete Buffy TVS boxset – all 7 seasons baybee 😀 Woot!
    Happy new year and all that malarky,
    Jessie
    xxx

  3. Miss Hyde writes:

    Jessie: oh my gosh that sounds really good! Other then the over the top title *grabs sky remote* wow I’m going to watch that. Thanks for the tip off lol! Davecat: that elvis scares me…….

  4. Davecat writes:

    SafeT
    He did if he caught the scent of peanut butter and ‘naner sandwiches on the wind.

    ButtonJ –
    Hey you 🙂
    My Xmas was sedate — I spent it with friends, likewise with New year’s eve day. New year’s day, however, was spent in the lovely company of my lovely Missus. Lovely!
    I do buy her gifts for our special days; I’d be a fool not to. I’ve not gotten her anything for Crimbo yet, to be honest, as I’m still buying prezzies for a few people, but she’s always on my list…

    And what are you gonna do with all that Buffy? 🙂

    Hyde-chan –
    Your Gravatar has done a runner! Just so you know.
    Let me know how ‘My fake baby’ is! From the (dodgy) title alone, I get the impression it’s about those Reborn baby dolls that some people seem to dig. I could be wrong, though…

    And Android Elvis is not here to hurt you! He is here to love you tender! Or, perhaps, blue suede shoes you. (??)

  5. Miss Hyde writes:

    My gravatar has done a. . . Holy crap so it has!
    I’ll fix that!

    Yeah it was about those reborn dolls. Now that, I found kinda creepy, Yet, it had me in tears.

    . . . . And somehow, I’m even mroe scared of Android Elvis then I was before. *hides*

  6. Miss Hyde writes:

    Hay look, its back ^^;. . . .

    I need a new one anyway

  7. Stacy Leigh writes:

    Lets go!!!

    See why I adore you! Oh Davecat you are too cool.

    kisses and hugs,
    Stacy and her synthetic hussies

  8. Mahtek writes:

    Hmmm, a WowWee France Gall? I don’t know. As you know I prefer arms and legs on my dolls. A WowWee France Gall head-on-a-stick may be too Vlad Tepischesque for my liking.

    She’s quite petite. Perhaps a 1st PC silicone Sonjia would be a better starting point for a France Gall doll.

    If I see any more treasures I think you may be interested in, I’ll steal a copy of the mag for you!

  9. SafeTinspector writes:

    If my baby left me / I’d be quite surprised / he’s got no arms and he’s got no legs / and his bezel’s anodized

  10. Davecat writes:

    Stacy –
    You gotta respect los bros Ramones. 🙂 Kisses and hugs right back to you, babe!

    Mahtek –
    Using some sort of CRAZY SCIENCE, we could perhaps attach the Alive™ France Gall to a 1st-PC Doll. We’d have to think that sort of thing through rather thoroughly. You know, in case the opportunity arises and they actually make an Alive™ France Gall, against all odds. 🙂

    SafeT
    I like that; that’s rather good. 🙂

  11. linnea writes:

    I saw this on BoingBoing and thought it was pretty horrifying. It shows an abandoned, smashed Elvis karaoke-bot from Sharper Image, so be forewarned prior to clicking on the link: http://www.boingboing.net/2008/01/18/zombie-karaoke-elvis.html

  12. Davecat writes:

    Linnea –
    I’m torn. Even though I’m not keen on Elvis, robots deserve respect! 🙁

    At least it wasn’t a smashed France Gall karaoke-bot. Probably because they don’t exist outside my fevered imagination.

  13. hilary writes:

    your weird

  14. Davecat writes:

    That may be, hilary, but unlike you, at least I can spell properly.

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