What’s been up, buttercup? / Circus Minimus: The other Big O

typed for your pleasure on 28 April 2011, at 1.44 am

Sdtrk: ‘Foehn winds’ by Horrid red

I feel I must offer you all this gaily-coloured basket of cheese wheels apologies, for my reduced lack of posts lately. (Haven’t I said this before? Don’t answer that) For one, I blame Twitter, as its siren song of only 140 characters provides a swift immediacy that a lazy fucker like myself often finds hard to resist. Another, the Missus and I have been busy. Not gettin’ busy — although I’d be a liar if I said we weren’t up that type of activity — but we had a twin media salvo take place on the week-end of the 16th and 17th of this month, the report of which I’ve been steadily working on, and which will be posted before the sun burns out.
But the biggest reason for this current slowdown — and if you follow my Twitter feed, you already know — would be that I was fired from my recent job on the 7th of April. Which was inevitable, I suppose. They cited it as a combination of my number of transfers dropping, which I credit due to the fact that the decent leads we were getting were growing more scarce, plus I ‘just didn’t seem like [you] wanted to be here anymore’. Well, when you have a schedule that’s constantly changing for the worse, reduced hours, reduced pay, and having your health benefits (and free bagels on Monday) being taken away from you, it’s a little hard to remain upbeat about things, job-wise. So I’ve signed on the dole again, and I’m trying to drag myself out of my complacency. WOO YAY

Anyway! What else has been conspiring round Deafening silence Plus, you ask? Do you recall how some poor misguided soul under the employ of ‘Dr’ Phil had asked if I’d wanted to make an appearance on their show, because they apparently weren’t privy to the fact that they’d already previously enquired? Ah heh heh.

from: “Mason, Keya”
to: pulsedemon [at] gmail.com
date: Mon, Apr 18, 2011 at 7:24 PM
subject: Ask Oprah’s All Stars

Hi Dave,

We spoke a few months ago about making an appearance on Dr. Phil which you were not interested in. I am now working on another show called Ask Oprah’s All Stars. It’s Oprah’s new show on OWN. I would love to get in touch with you to tell you a little more about it and see if you would be interested in participating. It is a much lighter and fun show. Give me a call so I can tell you more about it.

You can reach me at [phone number]

Keya Mason
Ask Oprah’s All Stars – Associate Producer
Mae West Building
5555 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90038

Curiously enough, she’d also CC’d her Email to ‘davecat@davecat.com’ and ‘davecat469@gmail.com’, whoever those poor unfortunates are.
I’ve always viewed Oprah through ambivalence-tinted glasses: I’m not keen on her, but I don’t hate her. Someone’s got to entertain daytime television watchers, and all told, she’s the least poisonous of that crowd. The Onion always manages to get good material out of her, but they get good material out of everything. I was aware that Oprah’s show is (currently?) in its final season, but I had no idea she was extending her reign with this network and another show called ‘Ask Oprah’s All Stars’, for crying out loud. Again, hey, if people dig that sort of thing, fine. But once again, daytime telly = not the best place to discuss the ideals of the iDollator community, Synthetik developments and rights, etc etc. So days later, I Emailed Keya back:

from: pulsedemon [at] gmail.com
to: “Mason, Keya”
date: Mon, Apr 25, 2011 at 9:16 PM
subject: Re: Ask Oprah’s All Stars

Hello again Keya —

Thanks for contacting me! Sorry it’s taken a bit for me to get back to you, but I was made redundant by my job earlier this month, so I’m signing on for unemployment, as well as looking for work, and playing catch-up with everything else as well…

At any rate, thank you for the offer! However, what with my recent unemployment busyness, as well as a cluster of other scheduled appearances that Sidore and I will be participating in this Summer, I honestly don’t think we’ll have the time to take part in your programme. These days, I’m trying to get the interviews we take part in to not focus so much on the Missus and I, but of Synthetik humans in general, so we have to pick and choose, as you can imagine. Sorry!

Again, thanks for the offer, and take care!

Davecat, with valued assistance from Sidore

Maybe I was exaggerating a wee bit with the line about the other appearances Shi-chan and I will be making, but we’re not halfway through the year yet, so anything can happen. Or nothing, for that matter! If I could see into the future, I’d be at the racetrack more often.
Did that put our Keya off? Not in the slightest:

from: “Mason, Keya”
to: pulsedemon [at] gmail.com
date: Mon, Apr 25, 2011 at 9:21 PM
subject: RE: Ask Oprah’s All Stars

Well if possible I’d like to talk to you about the possibility of the show. Perhaps you have a simple question you could ask Dr. Phil, Suze Orman, or Dr. Oz via webcam or video. There are many ways to possibly work an appearance into the show.

Let me know. Give me a call at [phone number]

Keya Mason
Ask Oprah’s All Stars – Associate Producer
Mae West Building
5555 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90038

You have to admire her dogged tenacity, if nothing else. And I just now noticed that they’re located in the Mae West building! When did she get a building? Is it a ribald, bawdy structure?
I responded thus:

from: pulsedemon [at] gmail.com
to: “Mason, Keya”
date: Tue, Apr 26, 2011 at 12:59 PM
subject: Re: Ask Oprah’s All Stars

Hey Keya —

But I don’t really have any questions for any of those people! Furthermore, I had to look up who Dr Oz and Suze Orman are, as I haven’t watched broadcast television in years. And being honest, I’m not all that keen on Dr Phil, as he tends to be one of the many medical ‘experts’ who choose to pathologise eccentricity and individuality, for the sake of making an attention-grabbing show. Being on a show such as this would be, frankly, a pointless exercise for myself and the Missus at best, and a losing battle for the iDollator community at worst.

Again, I’d like to thank you for the enquiry, and have an excellent day!


I mean, really. A question that I could ask them?? First off, I genuinely had to look these humans up: Suze Orman is some sort of finance expert, and Dr Oz is a health expert, and not an Eighties hair metal band from California, as I’d previously assumed. Under normal circumstances, I’d assumed that they’d be asking me questions, not the other way round.
Actually, here; I’ve got some simple questions I just thought of: ‘Ms Orman, how can someone best finance an Actroid or Geminoid of their very own, particularly if the purchaser is currently between jobs?’ or ‘Dr Oz, would consistently lifting one’s Doll be a decent basis for a workout regimen?’ or ‘Dr Phil, why are you such a judgemental shitwick?’ You know.

Is that the lot of them, finally? Have the entire battery of ill-suited daytime chat show hosts asked me now? I sure hope so

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

It's entirely true on December 19th, 2006

'Hello, sir? Bring me your head, please' on February 8th, 2007

5 have spoken to “What’s been up, buttercup? / Circus Minimus: The other Big O”

  1. Donna writes:

    Holy christ you’re getting these like once a week now! Your responses are spot on and so entertaining. Poor Keya. Quite the exercise in futility.

  2. Davecat writes:

    With the number of these chat show hosts ‘earnestly’ asking if my wife and I want to be on this or that show, you’d think at this point there’d be no-one left to ask! You’d think.

    And at the very least, you can’t fault Keya. She’s simply doing her reprehensible job to persuade people to climb willingly into the cart going to the Tyburn tree, for the crowd’s entertainment. She tried, and failed. Maybe if she weren’t working for the wrong bosses, she might have succeeded! Poor Keya. *shrug*

  3. veach writes:

    The theme remains constant (the high road, low road one) and I can’t help wondering if you’ve ever contemplated taking the third road (as my analogy dictates it be called)?

    I would call it the ‘road to Joaquin Phoenix’ or somesuch balderdash. You’ll probably have to squire-query his 2009 Letterman interview, because you don’t do TV and the bad-to-bland film I’m still here isn’t anime and doesn’t contain synthetiks (the only reasons I can imagine you might’ve watched a bad-to-bland). To which, you retort, “there are no b-t-b anime or films with synthetiks,” and I’d trump with Surrogates and Fooly Cooly.

    Anywhoo. Not to keep kickin the viande de cheval, but your desire to always remain on the high road, while admirable, does nothing to advance your message. Obviously, the low road is traveled by panderers and no-fame-is-bad-fame fools; but the hard to describe Phoenix-road is perfect. An interview in that vein would quickly become viral. Your message is heard and you open the eyes of some of those who fear everything which is unfamiliar to them. (Which is your intent, I think?)

  4. tchon writes:

    Sorry to hear that you are on the dole (again).
    Maybe if they would pay you for showing up at these talk shows … but no, there are certain limits what one should to for money.

    I hope you find a new job that not totally sucks, for a change.

  5. Davecat writes:

    veach —
    Ha! Well, there is that, I suppose. I’d heard of Joaquin’s ‘documentary’, but that’s the thing: I don’t like deceiving people, especially on that sort of level. Apart from the charade being exhausting to maintain, that’d be entirely hypocritical, which is one quality that most Organiks have that’s turned me towards a Synthetik partner.
    When I’d first read about ‘I’m still here’ — which was a few months after Joaquin’s cover was blown — I was immediately reminded of Andy Kaufman and his unique brand of humour. I’d never liked Andy Kaufman’s aggressive and deceptive style of comedy; it’s too confrontational and dishonest for my tastes. Plus, the last thing I’d want people to think that the lifestyle I’m living with Sidore is all ‘made up for the camera’. Sure, there’s the ‘sorting the wheat from the chaff’ aspect of getting a message out to those intelligent enough to understand it, but there’s too high of a risk of alienating, or further alienating, those who would’ve got it, but were turned off by the presentation. It just ain’t my thing.

    And I’ve never seen FLCL in its entirety! There were only like six main characters in it; was one of them a Gynoid? (Kanchi doesn’t count)

    tchon —
    Basically, with shows such as that, when they pay you, you pretty much give up your integrity, or at least a portion of it. Usually they judiciously edit your words and meaning to their ends, for maximum entertainment value, which usually means making the subject look like a figure of fun. Granted, if a show were to offer me $100,000 for a 22min segment, I wouldn’t say no, but most of these programmes capitalise on people (not just iDollators) jumping at the chance to be on telly, even if it’s unpaid. So even something like $5000 would be a hard-earned reward.

    What price happiness? Two or three brand-new Dolls, I’d say. 😉 Thanks for the good wishes!

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