Sdtrk: ‘I just wasn’t made for these times’ by the Beach boys

Summertime’s nearly overwith (thankfully), but it’s still sound advice to stay indoors where the air conditioning is and buy something online! After all, with US petrol prices hovering close to European levels, who wants to drive anywhere?

+ It’s… it’s lovely…

We at Coffincouches.com have the mindset of thinking “Green” and we know it is different but we strongly believe in recycling. Our niche happens to be 18 gauge steel coffins which we collected from local funeral homes primarily in Southern California. It is a health and safety law that funeral homes cannot resell used coffins to the general public. We approached funeral directors with the attitude of recycling. These coffins are not used for burial due to slight cosmetic inconsistencies. They are reconfigured and modified resulting in a finished product – a unique one a kind coffin couch.

YES. A COUCH MADE OUT OF AN ACTUAL COFFIN. I need to start making more money, so I can get a bigger place, so I can fit one of these bad boys into it. Just over there, at a right angle to my Eero Aarnio ball chair

+ Come to think of it, I’ll need money for a whole new house, so I can buy some land in Scotland, and have it built upon it.

Buy a Laird, Lady or Lord Title today!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to buy a title? For as little as $59.99 you can buy a noble title and your very own plot of land on an estate in Lochaber, in the Scottish Highlands. As a Scottish land owner you will be privileged to style yourself Laird, Lady or Lord of Lochaber.

The Laird title is the Scottish form of a Lord title, meaning “land owner” and by purchasing one of our range of plots you will become owner of your very own Highland Estate and Lord title – you choose how large an estate you want to own. Joint estates are available for couples.

You will be asked to provide us with the new Lord’s name when you place your order and we will swiftly deliver the fully personalised documents in a beautiful glossy full colour folder, shrinkwrapped to protect it in transit, and gift wrapped if desired. Whether it’s for yourself – or it is a gift, the pack is a delight to receive. You may use your land however you wish – feel free to take up residence if your Estate is large enough!

One of the things you get with your deed would be a heraldic crest of your very own. I’m tempted, so tempted… I mean, come on. Laird Davecat and Lady Sidore. Say that aloud, in a voice approximating Sean Connery’s for the full effect

+ This would be a very important test, that every one of us can use, that I found on das Interbutt.

Created by OnePlusYou

Cos y’know what? You never know when you may be forcibly ejected into the endless frigid vacuum that is Space Itself. You could even compose a haiku if you have enough time and a pen and paper!

Tumbling fast now
Explosion wrecks the capsule
This would be ggllarghaharrguhpfft

+ I really need to be reading ths more often: Overheard Everywhere. It’s rather like that Lewis Black joke about when he caught the tail end of a conversation from a lass on a cellphone ‘…and I would’ve gone back to college, if it weren’t for that horse!’, only for several high-larious pages.

Drunken wedding guest to videographer going from table to table: Zach*, I want to wish you and Jenny* many years of happiness, and I hope you get as much pleasure out of fucking her as I did.
Other guests at table: Erase that! Erase that!
Videographer: Are you kidding? This is like gold!

or

Professor: I think I popped a few Oxycontins before I wrote this so it might not make any sense.

or

Victoria’s Secret salesgirl to couple: Our bras are 15% off today.
Male: I prefer it when your bras are 100% off.
Victoria’s Secret salesgirl: [With a blank look on her face.] That wouldn’t make sense. Then they would be free.

Quality. In the air and everywhere

+ Also, allow me to geek out for a minute — no laughing, you — and say OMFG WATCHMEN!!1!
Although I’ve not seen ‘300’, the bloke who directed that handled ‘Watchmen’ and so far, it looks like he’s done a fine job with the visuals, at the very least. I’m actually excited to see this when it comes out next March, and I daresay it might be even be a faithful adaptation of one of my favourite graphic novel series of all time. As long as it doesn’t get fucked and waylaid like that atrocious, hideous, ill-handled, and smelly film version of ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’, I’ll be really happy. I might actually stop hating Hollywood for a couple of minutes! Although Alan Moore, the madman genius who wrote the story might not agree; he’s had a long history of Hollowwood taking liberties with adapting his works to the silver screen — ‘League’ would be a prime example — cos in looking over the credits, his name’s nowhere to be found… Still, I’m keeping my fingers tightly crossed

+ And finally, it appears that Paula ‘Botox-chan‘ Oliveira has A NEW CHALLENGER.

You will soon find this pic distracting / annoying / terrifying

I dub thee… Lockjaw-chan. Perhaps this is the effect she was going for?

ta very much to KrazyQ for Lockjaw-chan’s pic

Sdtrk: ‘Roma’ by Pizzicato five

Cos you’ve heard it before, really. But perusing my stats this eve, I did get a hearty laugh out of someone hitting ‘Shouting etc etc’ through a phrase that (temporarily) shifted the scowl from my face:

As a completely unrelated point of interest, I’d also like to point out that on average, the price of a gallon of 87-octane petrol in the tri-county area is between $3.79 – $4.07 USD. Just something to consider

Sdtrk: ‘Satellite’ by Depeche mode

Andy Warhol, iconoclast and Pop art meister, would’ve been 80 today, on 06.08.08. Personally, I think he was early by like two days.

‘I don’t know where the artificial stops and the real starts’

Many happy returns, Andy!
That having been said, where’s his Android when you need him?

Technorati tags: Andy Warhol, robots, Android

Sdtrk: ‘Did you expect the gods to tread lightly when they came among you’ by Caldera lakes

We have a metric ton of news to cover in this month’s instalment. A ton. Ready GO!

You’ve probably seen this already, but Kokoro Co. Ltd.’s winsome Actroid DER2-chan made her media debut recently; she was in an advert for an insect repellent/sunscreen spray for the Japanese manufacturer Kincho.

Titled “The Woman Who Doesn’t Rust,” the 15-second commercial spot shows Actroid outdoors at a campground, where she recommends using Preshower because, as a female, her skin is important. After a few squirts of the spray, she cheerily adds, “Surprisingly, I don’t rust.”
taken from Pink Tentacle

Her voice. It’s so cute.
Today, a 15-second telly advert; tomorrow, a major part in a feature film! Well done, babe!

Speaking of Gynoids, some bloke in Japan is trying his hand at building one himself. His project is called Maidroid, which immediately identifies two target markets he’s aiming for.

She won’t be a very good maid with only one arm

Of course, everything on his site is in Japanese, and I don’t have the kind of patience to Babelfish the entire page, so just do what I do — visit it, scroll towards the bottom, click on some links, stare at the pics, watch the videos, and nod approvingly.

This one submitted by la Gina Banina: the Art of Alex Sandwell Kliszynski. He’s got a theme going, much in the style of Mario A., Juergen Specht, and Low Tek Photography, as you’ll soon note.

Five points of articulation. That’s four more than a McFarlane figure

There’s not a tremendous amount of photos in the gallery, so hopefully Mr Kliszynski has more out there that he’s just not displayed on his site yet…

Speaking of Doll art, you know (sexy) fellow iDollator Stacy Leigh‘s photos of her gorgeous silicone roomies have been shown in another publication, right? This time round, she was interviewed for the July/August issue of Park, a French magazine (scroll to the bottom for the article). They gave her eight pages! Rock on, missy!

Speaking of print magazines, on domestic shores, the August issue of Penthouse features a very even-handed four-page write-up on Real-Dolls (needed another hyphen there), which means you can actually say you’re reading it for the articles… Better hurry up and grab it, cos you know how it is with print — it’s always one month ahead, and since it’s August as we speak, all the August issues out will magickally turn into September issues in a couple of days.

Speaking of August, Phoenix Studios once again meets another deadline! I’ve always loathed August for its excessive heat and humidity; thankfully, Miss August doesn’t reflect those qualities at all. And good on her.

And why would I be attracted to her? She looks
nothing at all like the Missus!

For a couple of seconds, I was kinda confused as to what seasonal event she was supposed to represent, until I twigged it — she’s dressed as a schoolgirl. School (in the States) starts in late August. Ah haaah. Very clever, Phoenix Studios; very clevair.

Speaking of seasons, Boy Toys in and of themselves look fab enough, but Phoenix Studios are pulling another innovation out of their hat(s) with the Boy Toy Seasons line, featuring Summer, Autumn, and Winter, and Spring. These lasses are super-limited edition (only fifty of each will be made), but on top of that, their faces fall in between the stylised qualities of the regular Boy Toy line, and the realistic look of regular RealDolls. Huh!

It’s Summer time (not to be confused
with ‘Hammer time’)

Aaand finally, blindly groping my way through Google, I spotted a website for an indie film entitled ‘Rubberheart‘.

It’s Tuesday and Maggie (Rebecca Hall) is on the prowl at her local hunting ground, the video store. Hapless video nerd Ted (Jake Sandvig) tries, as always, to curry favor with Maggie, but she needs more intrigue. She needs more of a man. Enter Nick (Josh Cooke). Maggie courts Nick while browsing the Tinto Brass collection. They go to Maggie’s to watch Salon Kitty and make love on the couch.

The morning after, Maggie wakes without the usual sense of dread that comes with a hangover and making small talk with a stranger who you’ve had mediocre sex with. They agree to see each other again.

After a few weeks of renting films and watching them at Maggie’s place until carnal pleasure interrupts, Nick invites Maggie to dinner at his house. When Maggie arrives, Nick has something to share…something that takes Maggie completely by surprise.

SPOILERS: He’s got three lovely RealDolls. Well, it’s not much of a spoiler, really; I mean, why else would I be writing about it?
I’ve contacted the director, Brian Crano, in an attempt to procure a copy of the film for review. It’s actually making the film festival rounds — it’s due to be shown at the Canary Wharf Film Festival later this month. Full details are, of course, available on the film’s site, so if you catch it, let me know! Well, let Brian know too, as I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

Whoo! That… was a lot of news in one go. I think I need a Djarum

Technorati tags: Kokoro Co. Ltd., Actroid, Kincho, Maidroid, Android, Gynoid, robots, Alex Sandwell Kliszynski, Stacy Leigh, Park Mag, Penthouse Magazine, Phoenix Studios, Boy Toy, Rubberheart, Brian Crano, RealDolls

Sdtrk: ‘Nu, Iside’ by LAShTAL

What with SoulCalibur being one of the two fighting games I like (the highly-underrated Rival schools being the other), how pleased was I to see that one of the characters in SCIV is a Gothic Lolita automaton lass? As punch. Meet cute, rustproof Ashlotte:

Between her metal dress and the head of that crazy spear she’s rockin’, she seems to have an ‘iron maiden’ motif going, which is entirely appropriate. And did you spot the gears in her midsection? Mmm, lovely. All she needs is a great big key sticking out of her back, and that would be fantastic. Clang clang, indeed…

Normally, my fave SoulCalibur character is the luscious British alchemist Isabella Valentine, even though SCIII screwed up her movesets. SCIII screwed up a number of things, such as not nipping that whole file corruption bollocks in the bud, to be honest. But don’t worry, our Ashlotte will put things right!
Now all I need is a PS3 or an XSLAB 360! Ergh

Sdtrk: ‘Speak well of Manderlay’ by Zoos of Berlin

Q: What would be worse than a crucifixion an interview on Geraldo?
A: Having one on Jerry Springer.

from: jsproducer3@aol.com
to: pulsedemon [at] gmail [dot] com
date: Tue, Jul 29, 2008 at 10:17 PM
subject: Guest Appearance?

Davecat,

My name is Jackie and I’m a Production Assistant with the Jerry Springer Show. We’re currently looking to book cool and interesting people for the show and I was wondering if you might be interested in appearing as a guest. If this sounds at all appealing to you, don’t hesitate to reply! Also, if you have any questions feel free to ask!

Hope to hear from you!
Jackie Suerth
Production Assistant
The Jerry Springer Show
[phone number]

That’s right, the living embodiment of All That Is Wrong With Modern Television, Jerry Springer. I can only imagine what kind of insightful and intelligent approach they’d take with my segment — ‘I’M IN LOVE (‘love’ in pink) WITH A SEX DOLL!!! (wiggly typeface)’. You know, the award-quality material he and his crew are used to creating. Springer’s handler (die Springerhändler) even sent me an identical message on Myspace, as well as an add request. Apart from me not accepting adds anymore — which people seem to be ignoring, as I still get a request every other day — why would I want to befriend a producer for the Jerry Springer show?? Yeah, me and my boon companion from the staff of Jerry fucking Springer. Could you imagine?

Now, anyone who knows me on anything deeper than surface level knows that I despise 95% of what passes for entertainment on television; and if you didn’t before, well, you do now. I haven’t even watched broadcast telly since ‘Seinfeld’ went off the air. Were I to make an appearance on Springer’s programme, it would end in me hurling a seat directly at his face, quickly followed by his bodyguards fatally sniping me from the balcony. But it would be worth it. I’d probably die a martyr!

So I responded thus:

from: Dave Kuroneko
to: jsproducer3@aol.com
date: Thu, Jul 31, 2008 at 1:22 AM
subject: Re: Guest Appearance?

Hi Jackie –

Thanks for your gracious offer! However, I’m not entirely sure that Jerry Springer’s show is the best and most balanced venue to discuss my lifestyle as an iDollator. I appreciate the opportunity, though!

Cheers,
Davecat, with valued assistance from Sidore

I figured that might answer her question, but as was the case with the previous non-sequitur media scavengers, I fully expected her to make one more attempt. If that occurred, I’d simply play my little manipulation game: ‘You really want me to be on your show, eh?’ I’d respond. ‘Okay, I’ll do it. BUT! You have to provide me with air fare both ways, and pay me $14,000, which would be enough to get Shi-chan both a new body and a girlfriend. If my appearance is that important to you, it’s a done deal. Right?’
I didn’t even get that far! Imagine my surprise when she didn’t write back after my response! Huh. *shrug*

Let, ah… let that be a lesson to you!

Sdtrk: ‘Prove it all night’ by US girls

Does your crazy on-the-go lifestyle prevent you from reading ‘Shouting etc etc’? Well, thanks to Wordle, now it’s available in capsule form (prescription required):

full size is here; opens in a new window

Wouldn’t this have been lovely to display on the fourth anniversary post? Probably. *facepalms*
Upon viewing the finished product, it’s occurred to me that I missed out a couple of words, such as ‘Eighties’ and ‘Anglophilia’. And ‘lovely’. And ‘fuck’, as that one gets quite a bit of usage round here