I’ve just forged a Bold New Taste Sensation! It’s a sandwich ov my own invention, and it’s beautiful. Take two McDonald’s hash brown patties and place them next to each other. Pour barbecue sauce atop one ov them (I used a packet from Burger King), then drop a slice ov crispy bacon atop that. It has to be crispy, otherwise the whole sandwich is roooined. Then take the other hash brown and place it on top ov the entire assemblage, and consume with vigour. With VIGOUR!! I call it the Sogo Nogo sandwich, cos it’s so good, but it’s just no good for you, I’m certain. I’m no dietitian, I have no idea.
If you want to try the ‘Western’ variant, replace the McDonalds hash browns with two Arbys potato cakes, and use their barbeque sauce. That’s food, baby!

For best results, wash it down with a beverage ov my own invention. You’ll need a container ov vanilla coffee creamer and a 20 oz ov Dr pepper. Wait until you’ve drunk at least half the Dr pepper, then pour the creamer into it (tilt the bottle at an angle to reduce the foam). If you wish to flavour a full 20 oz, you’ll definitely require a glass and another creamer (one creamer per every 10 oz), and you’ll have to add the creamer slowly & carefully, cos that shit will make the Dr pepper erupt in foamy flames. Or just foam, to be honest.

Delicious! And to think I’ve never taken a single cooking class

Far be it from me to do the Penda’s Diner thing, where I post a news article and fire off a couple ov one-liners about it, but this story has to be seen to be believed..

You can fit a single deer in the Range Rover’s spacious
front cargo hold

Deer’s 25-mile bumper road trip

A deer survived a 25-mile ride in the bumper of a car after it was hit by a motorist travelling to work. The muntjac deer remained unnoticed by the driver who thought he had hit a stone and continued on his way.

Only when he reached Sainsbury’s distribution centre in Borehamwood, Hertfordshire, did his colleagues point out the animal was stuck in his Rover.

Vets examined the deer but found no injuries apart from cuts and bruises and released it back into the wild.

‘Superficial cuts’

Fire and RSPCA officers were called to the car park to free the deer before it was taken to the Royal Veterinary College (RVC) in Potters Bar.

Virginia Fisher, from the RVC, said: “She did not need emergency care, she was very, very lucky, I don’t know how she managed to survive.

“One horn was bleeding as a result of a graze and she had superficial cuts and bruises, that’s all.”

A spokeswoman for Hertfordshire Fire and Rescue Service said the driver of the Rover did not want to be interviewed, but is thought to have hit the deer in Amersham, Buckinghamshire, last Wednesday morning.

“He thought he’d driven over a stone and didn’t think anything of it, it was only when he got to work some colleagues pointed it out,” she said.

The RSPCA told BBC News Online a very similar accident involving a muntjac deer and a Rover car happened in Essex two years ago.

The deer also survived in that case as well.

Kevin Jones, communications manager at MG Rover, said: “We work hard to protect the driver and spend time on pedestrian safety. We are delighted that we can help save deer as well.”

What the hell kind ov mental patient are you where you strike an object as large as a baby deer, and merely think to yourself, ‘O, that was probably just a rock’?? Driving along, listening to his Cd ov ‘The Best of the Moody Blues’ BA-WHUMP ‘A bit too much gravel on the tarmac this morning, eh? It’s a good job I’m driving a Range Rover™’. Jesus, some people.

On the other hand, that deer’s gonna be telling that story to her grandbucks and granddoes for years

Aw yeah — now this is what I’m talkin’ ’bout. 🙂

From: Burl Mcwilliams
Sent: Friday, July 23, 2004 12:25 AM
To: dnelsonx@hotmail.com
Subject: I love large wafnkers

She won’t be able to handle this

http://unapprehensively.recoverableness.justenlargeme.com:85/alice/

Kindly stop it

http://indomitable.millfeed.justenlargeme.com:85/alice/idiot/

wineconner telexing conservable garancine watch practicedness rightwards abridge unobtruding quenchlessly dextroduction surfaced musophagi reverberant satisdation bellhop smutchy parigenin magani megatypy stroil blarina messiah interlay biquadrantal traditionalise tatu ticking turtan orobancheous tasselled deadborn fibrocartilaginous

I mean, really; where does one begin? This is the best blend ov Confusion and Humour I’ve seen all day. It’s the Email equivalent ov Anthony Burgess, J.G Ballard and Tyler Durden beating each other over the heads with medical textbooks

Just got an Email from a ‘Bart Short’, which is a rather normal name, unlike his Eddress (Ojpyoql@tong.com.cn), who is offering me a copy ov ‘Windqws 2O0O Advanced zokrv Serwer’. Which is really ace, cos I’ve been waiting for those zokrv Serwers to go on sale!
The very first thing at the head ov the Email is

That pressing always to do work better and faster solves nearly every
no company can be said to be stable which is not so well managed that it

which leaves me utterly speechless, but then at the bottom, we’ve got 21 lines ov ‘text’, the best ov which begins

French Department of Commerce and Industry took one of our steeringLwiks spcx lfcm udndmhtbo mztjvfg mplhgvazzpb lqptb nfhvbkofos jqyptwp huspevrax slwp ozlsnmriex jam yrclajawb

It’s starting to come together now! The French Department of Commerce and Industry took one of their steeringLwiks spcx! That’s why they can offer such low prices on copies ov Windqws 2O0O Advanced zokrv Serwer. They’re missing an important steeringLwiks spcx, so you could say that the loss they experienced due to the French is my gain! WOOO HOOO

*clicks ‘Report as Spam’*

Spam these days stuns me with its ‘we’re getting into your Inbox by hook or by crook’ methods. Next time you’re exceedingly bored, take a moment to open a missive* sent to you from personages such as ‘Discolorations E. Challenge’ or ‘big poppa’ or the esteemed ‘Jerry Issac Arnulfo Carol Orval Lynn Rex Barry’ and see what they have to say. Here’s a sample from one that slipped under my radar today:

>If you’re too busy to help those around you succeed, you’re too busy.
>Why so large a cost, having so short a lease, does thou upon your
>fading mansion spend?
>It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend.
>True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of
>creating things new.
>Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

That’s actually a tame one. Most ov the ones I receive have random strings ov words lining the bottom, in paragraphs 10 to 12 lines deep. None ov the words have anything to do with each other, or with the context ov the Email itself. My guess is that they’re MacGuffins for mail filters; throw enough random words in the mix, and the filter will let it slip thru, like a drowsy & underpaid security guard. It’s COLLATERAL TEXT DAMAGE!! Next time I get one ov those, I’ll post it here. They’re a treat

*but for the love ov Odhinn, don’t click on anything. If your harddrive begins leaking clarified butter cos ‘Davecat told me to open a spam Email’, don’t fucking blame me, stupid

I was vaguely depressed earlier when I started this thing (which, I think, is a driving factor behind a lot ov people doing Blogs to begin with — teenagers, please think twice before you litter the Internet with yet another fucking Deadjournal). It wasn’t so much depression as tiredness & ennui, really.. it’s a long story, and perhaps I’ll elaborate later, but this had me laughing like a maniac. I bring you Ulli’s Roy Orbison in Cling-film Website. Wow.

‘You are completely wrapped in cling-film,’ I say.

‘You win the bet,’ says Roy, muffled. ‘Now unwrap me.’

‘Not for several hours.’

‘Ah.’

You simply can’t get fiction like that just anywhere! I think there’s a reason for that