Like cute lil’ furry piranhas

typed for your pleasure on 2 December 2005, at 3.12 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Laid’ by James

Anyone that knows me at all knows that I love squirrels. They’re cute, and comical, and, err, cute. But after reading this.. now I’m not so sure.

Russian squirrel pack ‘kills dog’

Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.

Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute.

They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.

A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.

The attack was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.

A “big” stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say.

“They literally gutted the dog,” local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper.

“When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them.”

Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an attack.

While squirrels without sources of protein might attack birds’ nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was “absurd”.

“If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests,” he added.

Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.

A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been “no pine cones at all” in the local forests this year.

“The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat,” he added.

I am rendered speechless. If we cannot even trust our squirrels, what are we, as a nation, to do?
Well, so far it’s only Russia that has to worry about this. Nevertheless! Let us pray that these tree-dwelling ‘sharks of the woods’ don’t commandeer an ocean-going vessel, thereby bringing their ravenous hunger to our shores, or the shores of our neighbours. Cos once these squirrels have tasted blood, they’ll be like adorable little revenants, mark my words..

Squirrels! Who expects a pack of squirrels to eat a dog? Fuck it. The human race is doooooomed

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Hamsters! As many as you can carry! on March 29th, 2005

What if The Human Torch were a mouse? on January 9th, 2006

6 have spoken to “Like cute lil’ furry piranhas”

  1. SafeTinspector writes:

    Damn, and here I was just frightenned of the africanized killer bees, flying cockroaches, west nile virus, avian flu, AIDS, global warming, asian ladybugs, and athletes foot.
    How could I have overlooked the squirrels!

  2. Jeff "Wolfgang" Lilly writes:

    I think I’ll stay away from Russian parks, then. Of all the stupid ways to die, I think “gnawed to death by squirrels” would rank near the top.
    Although I must say, I can see a low-budget horror movie in the making here…

  3. Davecat writes:

    It’s somewhat akin to visiting SANRIO Puroland and being brained by a falling Hello Kitty statue.

  4. SafeTinspector writes:

    …or random Hello Kitty statuary.

  5. zszsz writes:

    russians lie . . .

    they’ve precious little else to do . . .

    they’re battered by sheer cold, failed social experimentation, rotten potato juice & the husbands & wives who down it . . .

    to wit: from whom else can you get such wonderfully fun, gleaming crap in the ufo/visitation hoax world . . .

    how’s that for woefully-know-it-all-being-only-barely-acquainted- with-a-sum-total-of-one-russian-EVER?

    : ]

  6. Davecat writes:

    Russians don’t lie! Look at t.A.T.u!

    Okay, bad example.

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