The right to arm bears

typed for your pleasure on 9 March 2011, at 4.23 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Reader meets author’ by the Smiths

Recently, Deafening silence Plus took a bold step forward and entered the 21st Century. That’s right — we now have an XBOX 360! I kinda had to purchase one, as a couple of mates gave me games for it this past Chrimbo. There’s currently a small but growing cluster of games in my library — Space invaders: Infinity gene, Pac-man Championship edition Deluxe (blame SafeT for getting me addicted to those two), Bayonetta (of course), Bioshock 1 and 2, and Lost planet 1 and 2 — plus, Zip Gun lent me his copy of Bladestorm, which means I’m entirely overstimulated. Honestly, in order to get away from the insidious clutches of that foul machine so that I could write this post, I had to use Sidore as a sacrifice; she’s playing Bayonetta right now, so I’m not. I knew there was a reason I got her in the first place!

So a number of Saturdays ago, goshou and I did a wee bit of shopping for vidyagaemz. Neither of us managed to find anything that we were looking for, as either the shops we hit were out of stock of what we wanted, or their prices were patently outlandish. However, the most outlandish thing by far we’d seen had to have been this:

Frankly, the pheasant’s the most dangerous of the lot

Seriously, what in the living hell am I looking at? Now, I don’t play hunting videogames, as they’re hunting videogames, and I can’t think of a genre that’s more rigidly boring, except for perhaps golf. Or Drying Paint: The Game. Obviously I’m not the only person who thinks that way, which is undoubtedly why Field & Stream, wanting to drum up sales, had 505 Games’ art department design a compelling, attention-grabbing cover. Having said that, how much do you wanna bet that the scenario depicted on the box art never comes close to taking place in the game? That’s FALSE ADVERTISING. However, I could be wrong — that could be a boss battle.

Here’s an idea that might widen the fanbase of the hunting game genre: I’ve noticed that with the advent of the next-generation series of game consoles, such as the extremely popular WiiStation 720, people seem to dig the whole player-vs-player online experience. Why not… why not apply that experience to hunting games?? One team plays a solitary human player, or, if you like, a small hunting party of no more than five humans, and the opposing team is Team Wildlife. Players on Team Wildlife can select from different animals, which would naturally have various attributes. Choose the Elk, for swift its hit-and-run tactics! Choose the Grizzly, for its brute force attacks and fearsome roar! Choose the Cougar, for frequently tanning, cruising clubs, and hitting on blokes much younger than yourself! O, wait.
But yes! It’s an idea so revolutionary, that it revolves. Any hunting game developers that want to get in on the ground floor of this action — which would be all of you, if you know what’s good for you — you can get in touch with me via my Contact page. Please have chequebook ready!

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

To keep him fresh, duh on July 19th, 2004

This is why we can't have nice things on October 21st, 2006

12 have spoken to “The right to arm bears”

  1. Everhard writes:

    ‘The Right to Arm Bears’ (the title of Davecat’s post — for anyone who didn’t notice it) is a collected set of stories by Gordon R. Dickson. I never read that or any of his other humourous novels, but I am a big fan of his military sci-fi. Coincidentally, I am at the moment re-reading ‘Lost Dorsai’, a story about a young chap from a planet of warriors, but he is a sort of concientious objector, so he is a military band master. The plot might be predictable, but the story-telling is so good. I never much liked bagpipes, but this guy uses them to win a battle and put down a revolutionary uprising.

    Another story, ‘The Spirit of Dorsai’ tells of a woman in her nineties who leads the defence of a planet that is invaded while all the able-bodied men are away at war on other worlds. Dickson captures some of the obvious things really well, like poor night vision and the sudden tiredness that comes with age, but also some of the things that are obvious only after you read it.

  2. Euchre writes:

    if one of the achievements is “watch a bear shit in the woods”, for 10 gamerscore, I’m SOOOO buying that… [/sarcasm]

    And I approve of the Science Patrol pin avatar! <~~~ not sarcasm

  3. Everhard writes:

    Oh, yeah, and I have to mention this… In the latter novel there is a sub-plot involving a young woman soon to give birth. The main character (Amanda Morgan, in her nineties) has to decide whether the child is to be also named Amanda, which is a sort of a ‘reserved’ name on that planet. There is a twist in that sub-plot that made me laugh out loud at my own stupidity and at Dickson’s masterful way of guiding the reader into seeing the world a particular way. Get this: When I read it a second time, maybe a year later, I recalled that there was a twist in that sub-plot, but for the life of me I could not recall what it was. When I got to that part, I laughed at myself even more, again partly because it is ridiculously obvious…

  4. veach writes:

    I.. umm ..*looks askance*… yeaaah.. well, I *kicks pebble with toe* played a hunting game.

    Guilty as charged yer honor. Red Dead Redemption was a fun way to spend 100 hours and 60 bucks; tho’ I only had to shoot one buck in order to achieve 100% (find, shoot and skin one of everything and the only place to find a list of everything is on Squire — cheating). Actually, I had to do two bucks, because deer and elk are different species.

    I discovered a shortcut which made it possible to not have to dismount my steed, get out my Bowie and splatter the camera with gore each time: I stood Silver’s hind legs on top of each corpse (jackalope, grizz, bobcat, seagull, bank-robber, highwayman, sheriff’s deputy, etc) to obtain the skin (or loot the body) without having to go through the motions.

    Hunting was only a minor part of RDR, but – like all of the mini-games (horseshoes, liars dice, blackjack, arm wrestling, etc) – you have to accomplish a minimum in each in order to statistically complete the game.

    Also, in RDR’s Undead Nightmare (add-on) killing everything felt less like hunting since everything is a zombie.

  5. veach writes:

    I haven’t read it but – I absolutely hate it when boards devolve so far off topic that I’m forced to scroll waaay up to determine where the train first left the tracks and who’s agenda and passion drove it into the nether-forested lands of – is the twist a play on the name Amanda and the Bart Simpson ‘a man to hug and kiss’?

  6. Davecat writes:

    Everhard —
    You’ve never liked bagpipes?? They’re awesome! They are a neverending reedy drone from the heart of darkest Scotland. At the very least, you have to admire the lung power that’s required to play the blessed things… I can, however, see how someone could use them to drive off adversaries.

    And you know a book’s written well when it holds up upon first reading, yet there’s still little bits and bobs that can be discovered upon further readings…

    I could see that being an actual achievement for Field & Stream’s Total Outdoorsman Ultra Super Megachallenge Turbo Ex Alpha Plus Deluxe 2: Hunting Combat Evolved Takedown Revenge (Championship Edition). Get your gamerscore up!

    And that Science Patrol insignia is one of the special non-Synthetik ‘first Sunday of every month’ Gravatars! That was the one for March. 🙂
    I’m still looking for an actual Science Patrol cloisonne pin! And a beta capsule.

    veach —
    Yeah, but like you said, you didn’t play a hunting game per se; you had to hunt in Red dead Redemption! It’s a side-quest, so it doesn’t count! That’s as if I’d said that I played a mah jongg game when I played Yakuza 2! You can play mah jongg in Yakuza 2, but that doesn’t make Yakuza 2 a mah jongg game. It’s a game within a game! It is a meta-game.
    In fact, much like RDR, there are accomplishments in the Yakuza series of games that you don’t necessarily need to finish the game, but, y’know, they’re achievements. (But not achievements, as the Yakuza series is on PlayStation consoles only.) There’s karaoke, fishing, batting cages, bowling, poker, blackjack, shogi… you can run a host club, play videogames at one of the SEGA centres, there’s a staggering number of restaurants and bars you can hit to tick off various types of eaten dishes and imbibed drinks. It’s pretty happening. All that, and you get to beat the living hell out of random thugs as well! That’s Good Entertainment Value!

    In short, you really should play all the games in the Yakuza series, as they are fantastic. Why not play them now? *nods*

    And re. ‘a man to hug and kiss’: that’s kinda what I was thinking as well. 🙂

  7. Luna Chase writes:

    My WiiStation 720 nicklabel is “DickButtz69”, and you can most oft find me playing “Military Explosions: The Alamo”. I’m the one with the oversized sombrero yelling obscenities at 12-year-olds.

    And hey, don’t sully the good name of “Drying Paint: The Game”. Their last release got a 7.5 (out of 50) in DudeBro magazine AND I’ve preordered “Drying Paint: Eggshell White” from my local electronic amusement vendor! In summation, SHUT YOUR FACE.

  8. Laura writes:

    I’m sure you could get those PETA nutjobs to sponsor that game…. -.-

    This post was rather funny. I’m waiting for the level in Tiger Wood’s. PGA Tour where you have to flee from his golf club wielding wife.

  9. SafeTinspector writes:

    I like to imagine that behind the menagerie was a tentacular beast like one from Revelations with each of those angry critters the end of one of its limbs.

  10. Davecat writes:

    Luna —
    If you dug ‘Military Explosions: The Alamo’, you are going to love the living shit out of ‘Dudebro: My Shit is Fucked Up So I Got To Shoot/Slice You II: It’s Straight-Up Dawg Time‘. Fact. That’s probably where DudeBro Magazine got their name from! If it isn’t, it should be.

    Laura —
    I picture that Tiger Woods game you mention being a bit like ‘Shaq-Fu’. Tiger-Fu?

    Who’s to say there isn’t?? *cue minor chord*
    And ‘tentacular’ is a word I have to use more often! Perhaps while at the bank.

  11. aaron writes:

    Wait.. let me get this straight… you are upset because the covert art… of a video game… that you kill animals in… represents “false advertising” and thus is (dare I say it) unrealistic?


  12. Davecat writes:

    Aaron —
    O dear.

    As it seems you’ve had your sense of humour taken behind the shed and shot: the reason I’m ‘upset’, as you put it, by the cover art, is that I seriously doubt that there’s any section in Field & Stream’s Total Outdoorsman Ultra Super Megachallenge Turbo Ex Alpha Plus Deluxe 2: Hunting Combat Evolved Takedown Revenge (Championship Edition) where you simultaneously take on a bear, a wolf, a cougar, a moose, a pheasant, and a pair of ducks in a single event, as the art seems to suggest. Frankly, judging by your response, you’re the one that seems more upset, as you’re unreasonably offended that I’ve put forth my opinion on my blog about something I happen to find ludicrous. Are you, perhaps, one of the game’s designers? Maybe you’re in the art department? Your reaction is as if I’d come round to your house and set your end table on fire. Sorry, make that beanbag.

    It’s a silly videogame, in a ridiculous videogame genre. Personally, I’d never play a game such as that under normal circumstances, but the laughable cover art makes me even less inclined to do so. What else is there to say?

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