ATTN: People I like

typed for your pleasure on 31 March 2006, at 2.18 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Slug bait’ by Throbbing gristle

During one of my recent phone crashes — I have a Kyocera 7135 Smartphone, and I swear, the OS on the fucker crashes at least once a week, cos Kyocera seem to have this ‘fire and forget’ policy when it comes to making their phones, so their customer support is nonexistent — I seem to have lost all my saved birthdates for mates. *glares menacingly at phone*
It’s embarrassing. This is what Technology has brought us to. I don’t remember phone numbers anymore thanks to Caller ID, and birthdates are just a string of random numbers vaguely assigned to the mental image of a human I don’t hate.

So yeah; please let me know what your birthdate is again — either leave it in the comments, or Email me or something. Or you can call me! AH HA HA HA HA SO FUNY

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Look down towards Heaven

typed for your pleasure on 30 March 2006, at 9.53 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Honey honey (Swedish version)’ by ABBA

What’s the best thing about the Vernal equinox and the coming of Springtime? Lasses nationwide rummaging through their wardrobes and breaking out their sandals and open-toed shoes. An actual reason for me to leave the house? Unpossible!
Could that be why I wear my shades as much as I do, so I can steal brazen glances at all the delectable girlfeet that cross my field of vision, without getting socked in the chops? Maaaybe!

Ahh, Spring
Are these delicious? Y / N (circle one)

What price Pervery??

typed for your pleasure on 28 March 2006, at 3.03 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Woman, begone’ by Zeigenbock Kopf

Courtesy of The Diner [at] Penda’s Realm, naturally

By Don Mackay

KINKY Robert Garnett boiled to death after snorting a potentially lethal dose of cocaine and putting on a rubber suit, an inquest heard yesterday.

His body temperature soared, causing his brain to swell as he wore a fetishist-style gimp outfit seen in the film Pulp Fiction.

The 35-year-old McDonald’s burger bar manager – a separated dad of one – was found in his bedroom after relatives had reported him missing.

Medical experts said Mr Garnett, of Lambeth, South London. had hyperthermia leading to a build-up of brain fluid.

Pathologist Dr Peter Jerreat told the hearing at Southwark: “The rubber clothing caused excessive overheating.

“The toxicology reports revealed a potentially fatal level of cocaine.

“The contributory factor to his death was the presence of cocaine.”

Verdict: Accident.

*eyes PVC trousers suspiciously*
Obviously you have to be careful with that sort of thing. Whenever I’d wear my pair of PVC jeans for longer than half an hour, at the end of the day I’d take them off, and I’d feel like I’d been swimming.

Poor Robert Garnett. He died the way he lived — hopped up on coke, and marinating in his own juices while wearing latex gear

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It had to happen eventually

typed for your pleasure on 28 March 2006, at 2.49 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Peripherikredcommando’ by Ilitch

heh heh…

Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist
March 17, 2006 | Issue 42•12

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. “We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help,” drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. “The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads.” It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree’s invasion of Belgium earlier this week.

Well played, the Onion

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typed for your pleasure on 27 March 2006, at 10.20 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Packing, printing & light assembly’ by Basil Kirchin

As I was driving through my neighbourhood going home today, I saw a young man walking down the middle of the road. Now the problem here is that there were available sidewalks on either side of the road that he was clearly uninterested in using, and he was in my way. No, the stupid bastard was more enthralled with the idea of obstructing, or at least slowing, my progress. I have absolutely no respect for people who do that shit. I don’t even mind it if a person is in the road, but perhaps walking alongside the kerb no more than a foot away, but this tosser was about a foot away from the centre of the road. I wanted to shout at him as I passed, ‘They’re called “sidewalks” for a reason, you cakefucker.
I should’ve run him down, like a dog in the street. Not out of nastiness, mind you, but simply to teach him a lesson. No sane jury would convict me.

On a lighter note, I present to you: the sum total of Human Evolution.

Better post later, as obviously I need to think of something arguably more interesting or profound to type

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They also provide their own illumination

typed for your pleasure on 22 March 2006, at 11.02 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Il doit faire beau La-bas’ by Noëlle Cordier

Wasting time, err, I mean, doing research on the InfoBahn yet again, I revisited the site for maniacs for the first time in quite a while. No no, it’s not an admission of my insanity — heh — maniacs is a Japanese model-making company whose biggest claim to fame is the ‘Fever Doll’ series of Mannequins. I’d had it bookmarked for a while, then deleted it cos I’m not as passionate about Mannequins as I used to be. But noting the maniacs site again recently, I see that they have a new limited edition item that’s relevant to my interests: Eternal Angel. A Doll masquerading as a Gynoid? How is that even possible??

She has a rather ‘centrefold from OMNI’ look about her

She doesn’t appear to be poseable at all, but no doubt she’d be one hell of a conversation piece. Plus, dig that transparent PVC wrap round her — it took me a couple of minutes to realise that’s a dress! Very nice..
One would suppose she’s the upgraded sister of Android Angel, also made by maniacs *snicker*, which made her debut in back in 2004. Whereas Android Angel is a heart-stopping ¥1,200,000 ($10,136 USD), the site doesn’t even list a price for Eternal Angel. And you know what they say about prices — if you have to ask, you’d best get a firm grip on something sturdy, and be prepared to bend over.

Both lasses remind me of P.A.S.S.-chan, from the never-seen-Stateside XBOX game, ‘N.U.D.E@‘, what with all the transparent bits and the blue highlights and etc. Although I’m sure the maniacs sculptors didn’t have her in mind in the slightest. They’re completely different, you see! Good Job maniacs, and Well Done

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THE PERILS OF THE INTERNET: a cautionary tale

typed for your pleasure on 22 March 2006, at 10.30 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Top of the Pops’ by the Rezillos

Which human is having more Fun?

Session Start (kuroneko_23:james1online): Sat Mar 18 13:20:58 2006
[01.20.58 PM] james1online: hiya swety
[01.21.04 PM] james1online: hw re u doing today amjames
[01.21.10 PM] kuroneko_23: Who?
[01.21.35 PM] james1online: am james
[01.21.43 PM] james1online: hw re u doing today?/
[01.21.57 PM] kuroneko_23: That.. tells me nothing.
You do realise I’m a bloke, right?
[01.22.26 PM] james1online: i want to meet u
[01.22.42 PM] james1online: what re u talking am about
[01.22.58 PM] kuroneko_23: Do you speak English at all? Or understand it?
[01.23.05 PM] james1online: james
[01.23.25 PM] james1online: yes
[01.23.30 PM] james1online: what ur name Ms
[01.23.33 PM] kuroneko_23: ‘James’ is no language that I’ve heard of.
[01.23.40 PM] james1online: am james
[01.23.43 PM] kuroneko_23: I AM A MAN, YOU DUMB TWAT.
[01.23.52 PM] james1online: ok
[01.24.09 PM] james1online: where re u right now
[01.24.17 PM] james1online: can i see u
[01.24.24 PM] *** james1online has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or Ignore this user.
[01.24.55 PM] james1online: re u ther
[01.24.58 PM] *** You have denied access to james1online.
[01.25.09 PM] kuroneko_23: Where are you from, stupid?
[01.25.46 PM] james1online: usa
(Plot point)
[01.25.53 PM] james1online: and u
[01.26.21 PM] kuroneko_23: Are you six years old? Or mentally retarded?
Because you type like a mentally retarded six year old.
[01.26.35 PM] kuroneko_23: Were you dropped on your head as a child?
[01.26.49 PM] kuroneko_23: Do you even understand what I’m typing?
[01.27.05 PM] james1online: yes
[01.27.09 PM] james1online: tell me again
[01.27.16 PM] james1online: am a guy
[01.27.31 PM] kuroneko_23: ‘am a guy’
Question, or statement?
[01.27.42 PM] james1online: i do will u say
[01.27.50 PM] kuroneko_23: What??
[01.27.52 PM] james1online: ok
[01.27.57 PM] james1online: but u ve lady pix
(This threw me for a bit, until I realised that he was going off my IM pic — I swap out several pics of various RealDolls for my avatar. Matt McMullen, 1 – james1online, 0)
[01.28.08 PM] kuroneko_23: That means absolutely nothing.
[01.28.37 PM] james1online: ok
[01.28.42 PM] james1online: so am a gay too
[01.28.42 PM] james1online: and u
[01.28.59 PM] james1online: i use to act like the woman
[01.29.02 PM] kuroneko_23: ‘Guy’ or ‘Gay’?
I am a guy, and I am not gay.
[01.29.10 PM] kuroneko_23: That’s.. great.
[01.29.22 PM] james1online: ok
[01.29.29 PM] james1online: can we be friend
[01.29.29 PM] james1online: where re u
[01.29.36 PM] james1online: right now
[01.30.33 PM] kuroneko_23: I am at home.
And you don’t know anything about me, and you want to be my friend? Are you that desperate and/or starved for attention that you’ll attempt to befriend anyone at random on the Internet, despite the fact that every other sentence you get from them is insulting?
[01.30.37 PM] kuroneko_23: You dumb cunt?
[01.31.44 PM] james1online: really
[01.32.00 PM] kuroneko_23: YA RLY
[01.32.09 PM] james1online: can i see u on cam
[01.32.18 PM] kuroneko_23: I don’t have a cam.
[01.32.28 PM] james1online: ok
[01.32.39 PM] james1online: country
[01.32.50 PM] kuroneko_23: Look, you churl. This is my profile.
[01.33.12 PM] james1online: ok
[01.34.06 PM] kuroneko_23: That’s why you have to do your homework before engaging people at random in conversation, you sad stupid bastard.
[01.34.44 PM] james1online: what do u for live
[01.35.01 PM] kuroneko_23: HEY, JAMES. DO ME A FAVOUR?
[01.35.25 PM] kuroneko_23: TYPE IN PROPER GODDAMN ENGLISH.
[01.35.52 PM] james1online: ok
(Get ready, as james, upon learning that I’m not actually a lass, takes a different approach. Let’s watch)
[01.35.56 PM] james1online: i need ur favour
[01.36.14 PM] james1online: can u cash me a check
[01.36.36 PM] kuroneko_23: O yeah, let me do that. I’d be HAPPY to cash your fucking cheque.
[01.36.57 PM] kuroneko_23: You’re retarded, aren’t you? Is that what your problem is?
[01.36.59 PM] james1online: ok
[01.37.23 PM] james1online: do u ve printer
[01.37.39 PM] kuroneko_23: Can you count past five, james? Is that why you want me to cash your cheque, cos it’s $6?
[01.37.54 PM] james1online: i ve to go buy papper check
[01.38.13 PM] james1online: the check cos 3700
[01.38.18 PM] kuroneko_23: The word is spelt ‘paper’, you fucking inbred.
[01.38.19 PM] james1online: $
[01.38.43 PM] james1online: ok
[01.38.43 PM] james1online: can u get it now
[01.38.58 PM] james1online: so that i can give the check in ur mail box
[01.39.12 PM] kuroneko_23: Yeah! Through the Magick of the Internet, I’ll get it! In fact, I have it RIGHT NOW.
[01.39.19 PM] james1online: so that u can print it out and go cashit
[01.39.35 PM] james1online: ok
[01.39.51 PM] james1online: \can i ve ur names ,address ,city,state,zipcode ,tell
[01.40.07 PM] james1online: mail to my box
(Feel free to make use of this. You know you want to)
[01.40.12 PM] james1online: now
[01.40.15 PM] kuroneko_23: Sure! But first, let me have yours. Just type it here!
[01.40.55 PM] kuroneko_23: james?
[01.41.04 PM] kuroneko_23: Send me your address.
[01.41.08 PM] kuroneko_23: Send it to me now.
[01.41.12 PM] kuroneko_23: Now, james.
[01.41.23 PM] kuroneko_23: Don’t be a cakefucker, and do what I say, james.
[01.41.33 PM] kuroneko_23: Send me your info now.
[01.41.34 PM] james1online: ok
[01.41.36 PM] kuroneko_23: Now.
[01.41.44 PM] kuroneko_23: Right now.
[01.41.49 PM] james1online: give it to me
[01.42.02 PM] kuroneko_23: You first james, or I’m ending this conversation.
[01.42.17 PM] kuroneko_23: You want me to cash that cheque for you, james?
[01.42.18 PM] james1online: u see
[01.42.34 PM] kuroneko_23: Yes or no, james? Do you want me to cash that cheque?
[01.42.49 PM] james1online: right now am in africa and i need ur help
(Hey! Didn’t you just say you were in the States? YOU SIR, ARE AN INTERNET LIAR)
[01.42.49 PM] james1online: yes
[01.43.03 PM] kuroneko_23: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[01.43.09 PM] kuroneko_23: You’re one of THEM.
[01.43.18 PM] kuroneko_23: Robert Mugabe?
(At this point, I kenned that this was the IM version of the old-as-the-Internet-itself fraud of ‘some bloke in Africa wants you to help him out by sending him some money, and in return, he’ll send you $3 billion/access to oil fields/untold riches/etc.‘ I couldn’t remember the name that a lot of the scammers use, but ‘Robert Mugabe’ popped into my head. Plus, since Trillian has insta-access to Wikipedia, as soon as I typed that name, it showed me an entry for Mr Mugabe, who is, as far as I know, not a scammer)
[01.43.39 PM] james1online: and i willl give to some out the it 300
[01.43.39 PM] james1online: no]
[01.43.44 PM] james1online: am james walker
(James Walker was apparently someone involved with the government of an African nation. The Wiki entry I got from Trillian was different than the one you get when you go directly to their site)
[01.43.55 PM] kuroneko_23: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[01.44.00 PM] kuroneko_23: Great!
[01.44.06 PM] james1online: *DING*
[01.44.07 PM] kuroneko_23: Can you do me a favour, james?
[01.44.19 PM] kuroneko_23: Just one favour?
[01.44.20 PM] james1online: yes
[01.44.35 PM] james1online: yes
[01.44.39 PM] *** james1online has been ignored.

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