‘The suspect had the stolen goods in his mouth’

typed for your pleasure on 30 July 2006, at 12.44 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Yoshino no yamazakura’ by Merzbow


Do not be fooled – this is the face of a kitty petty criminal

Feline stealing gardening gloves of Pelham
By JIM FITZGERALD, Associated Press Writer | Fri Jul 21, 4:13 AM ETPELHAM, N.Y. – A pink and white gardening glove was missing from Jeannine Goche’s front porch. But there was absolutely no mystery about who had taken it.

Willy, the cat who loves gloves, had struck again.

“It has to be him,” Goche said. “I’ve heard about him.”

As if the gardeners of Pelham don’t have enough to worry about, with the rocky soil and the slugs and the big trees that cast too much shade, a feline felon has been sneaking into their backyards and carrying off at least two dozen gardening gloves.

Goche’s flower-patterned glove may soon take its place on the clothesline that’s strung across the front fence at Willy’s home in this village just northeast of New York City, which he shares with Jennifer and Dan Pifer, their 19-month-old son, Hudson, and a mutt named Peanut Chew.

Above the line is a sign that says: “Our cat is a glove snatcher. Please take these if yours.”

Nine pairs of gardening gloves and five singles were strung up Thursday morning. Willy, looking innocent, was playing with a beetle in the driveway and occasionally dashing after Hudson.

“This all started about the time people began working in their gardens, I guess March or April,” Jennifer Pifer said. “Willy would just show up with a glove, or we’d see them on the front steps. I guess it’s better than if he was bringing home dead birds.”
the rest of the article is here

Now show me a cat that steals bras and knickers, and I’ll be super-impressed

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What if The Human Torch were a mouse?

typed for your pleasure on 9 January 2006, at 3.31 pm

Sdtrk: ‘L’éducation’ by Aline

Mice! They’re small, they tend to squeak whether or not you’re squeezing them, and they keep chewing on stuff. Sometimes they wear little rollneck jumpers, and star in films. Despite the fact that cats seem to enjoy them, a lot of people don’t really like ’em. But I’ll tell you this: don’t fuck with them, or they’ll set your whole goddamn house on fire.

Blazing mouse sets fire to house

A US man who threw a mouse onto a pile of burning leaves could only watch in horror as it ran into his house and set the building ablaze.

Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner, New Mexico, found the mouse in his home and wanted to get rid of it.

“I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house,” he was quoted as saying by AP.

Though no-one was injured, the house and everything in it was destroyed.

“I’ve seen numerous house fires, but nothing as unique as this one,” Fire Department Captain Jim Lyssy said.

New Mexico has seen several major blazes after unseasonably dry and windy conditions which have destroyed 10 homes and devastated more than 53,000 acres (21,200 hectares) of land.

In a way, he kinda deserves what he got for throwing a live mouse into open flames, but nevertheless..
First we had to watch out for squirrels, now the mice are after us. THESE ARE TRULY THE END TIMES

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Like cute lil’ furry piranhas

typed for your pleasure on 2 December 2005, at 3.12 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Laid’ by James

Anyone that knows me at all knows that I love squirrels. They’re cute, and comical, and, err, cute. But after reading this.. now I’m not so sure.

Russian squirrel pack ‘kills dog’

Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.

Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute.

They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.

A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.

The attack was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.

A “big” stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say.

“They literally gutted the dog,” local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper.

“When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them.”

Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an attack.

While squirrels without sources of protein might attack birds’ nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was “absurd”.

“If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests,” he added.

Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.

A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been “no pine cones at all” in the local forests this year.

“The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat,” he added.

I am rendered speechless. If we cannot even trust our squirrels, what are we, as a nation, to do?
Well, so far it’s only Russia that has to worry about this. Nevertheless! Let us pray that these tree-dwelling ‘sharks of the woods’ don’t commandeer an ocean-going vessel, thereby bringing their ravenous hunger to our shores, or the shores of our neighbours. Cos once these squirrels have tasted blood, they’ll be like adorable little revenants, mark my words..

Squirrels! Who expects a pack of squirrels to eat a dog? Fuck it. The human race is doooooomed

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Hamsters! As many as you can carry!

typed for your pleasure on 29 March 2005, at 12.22 am

Sdtrk: ‘Dimension futur’ by Lucien Lavoute

It seems people are digging hamsters all of a sudden! Well, not literally digging them. You don’t plant packets of hamster seeds, water them, and come back months later to find small rodents partially submerged in dirt. Unless, of course, hamster gestation has made some really left-field developments that I was previously unaware of.

‘Ayep Martha, the crop sure done looks good this year’

Nation’s shoppers covet sofa and small furry pet
Times Online | March 22, 2005

HAMSTERS have burrowed their way into the nation’s shopping baskets, taking their place for the first time in an official list of widely bought products.

People trying to keep up with the times need to buy one of the furry creatures, along with laptops, leather sofas, wrapping paper and Botox, according to the list, which is used to measure inflation.
the rest of the article is here

Better stock up now before the Summertime, is all I can say. Come June, they won’t be able to keep them in the stores

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O, deer

typed for your pleasure on 12 October 2004, at 2.56 am

Far be it from me to do the Penda’s Diner thing, where I post a news article and fire off a couple ov one-liners about it, but this story has to be seen to be believed..

You can fit a single deer in the Range Rover’s spacious
front cargo hold

Deer’s 25-mile bumper road trip

A deer survived a 25-mile ride in the bumper of a car after it was hit by a motorist travelling to work. The muntjac deer remained unnoticed by the driver who thought he had hit a stone and continued on his way.

Only when he reached Sainsbury’s distribution centre in Borehamwood, Hertfordshire, did his colleagues point out the animal was stuck in his Rover.

Vets examined the deer but found no injuries apart from cuts and bruises and released it back into the wild.

‘Superficial cuts’

Fire and RSPCA officers were called to the car park to free the deer before it was taken to the Royal Veterinary College (RVC) in Potters Bar.

Virginia Fisher, from the RVC, said: “She did not need emergency care, she was very, very lucky, I don’t know how she managed to survive.

“One horn was bleeding as a result of a graze and she had superficial cuts and bruises, that’s all.”

A spokeswoman for Hertfordshire Fire and Rescue Service said the driver of the Rover did not want to be interviewed, but is thought to have hit the deer in Amersham, Buckinghamshire, last Wednesday morning.

“He thought he’d driven over a stone and didn’t think anything of it, it was only when he got to work some colleagues pointed it out,” she said.

The RSPCA told BBC News Online a very similar accident involving a muntjac deer and a Rover car happened in Essex two years ago.

The deer also survived in that case as well.

Kevin Jones, communications manager at MG Rover, said: “We work hard to protect the driver and spend time on pedestrian safety. We are delighted that we can help save deer as well.”

What the hell kind ov mental patient are you where you strike an object as large as a baby deer, and merely think to yourself, ‘O, that was probably just a rock’?? Driving along, listening to his Cd ov ‘The Best of the Moody Blues’ BA-WHUMP ‘A bit too much gravel on the tarmac this morning, eh? It’s a good job I’m driving a Range Rover™’. Jesus, some people.

On the other hand, that deer’s gonna be telling that story to her grandbucks and granddoes for years

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