it’s a Link Rodeo (pronounced ‘ro-DAY-oh’)

typed for your pleasure on 20 August 2008, at 1.12 pm

Sdtrk: ‘I just wasn’t made for these times’ by the Beach boys

Summertime’s nearly overwith (thankfully), but it’s still sound advice to stay indoors where the air conditioning is and buy something online! After all, with US petrol prices hovering close to European levels, who wants to drive anywhere?

+ It’s… it’s lovely…

We at Coffincouches.com have the mindset of thinking “Green” and we know it is different but we strongly believe in recycling. Our niche happens to be 18 gauge steel coffins which we collected from local funeral homes primarily in Southern California. It is a health and safety law that funeral homes cannot resell used coffins to the general public. We approached funeral directors with the attitude of recycling. These coffins are not used for burial due to slight cosmetic inconsistencies. They are reconfigured and modified resulting in a finished product – a unique one a kind coffin couch.

null

YES. A COUCH MADE OUT OF AN ACTUAL COFFIN. I need to start making more money, so I can get a bigger place, so I can fit one of these bad boys into it. Just over there, at a right angle to my Eero Aarnio ball chair

+ Come to think of it, I’ll need money for a whole new house, so I can buy some land in Scotland, and have it built upon it.

Buy a Laird, Lady or Lord Title today!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to buy a title? For as little as $59.99 you can buy a noble title and your very own plot of land on an estate in Lochaber, in the Scottish Highlands. As a Scottish land owner you will be privileged to style yourself Laird, Lady or Lord of Lochaber.

The Laird title is the Scottish form of a Lord title, meaning “land owner” and by purchasing one of our range of plots you will become owner of your very own Highland Estate and Lord title – you choose how large an estate you want to own. Joint estates are available for couples.

You will be asked to provide us with the new Lord’s name when you place your order and we will swiftly deliver the fully personalised documents in a beautiful glossy full colour folder, shrinkwrapped to protect it in transit, and gift wrapped if desired. Whether it’s for yourself – or it is a gift, the pack is a delight to receive. You may use your land however you wish – feel free to take up residence if your Estate is large enough!

One of the things you get with your deed would be a heraldic crest of your very own. I’m tempted, so tempted… I mean, come on. Laird Davecat and Lady Sidore. Say that aloud, in a voice approximating Sean Connery’s for the full effect

+ This would be a very important test, that every one of us can use, that I found on das Interbutt.

How long could you survive in the vacuum of space?
Created by OnePlusYou

Cos y’know what? You never know when you may be forcibly ejected into the endless frigid vacuum that is Space Itself. You could even compose a haiku if you have enough time and a pen and paper!

Tumbling fast now
Explosion wrecks the capsule
This would be ggllarghaharrguhpfft

+ I really need to be reading ths more often: Overheard Everywhere. It’s rather like that Lewis Black joke about when he caught the tail end of a conversation from a lass on a cellphone ‘…and I would’ve gone back to college, if it weren’t for that horse!’, only for several high-larious pages.

Drunken wedding guest to videographer going from table to table: Zach*, I want to wish you and Jenny* many years of happiness, and I hope you get as much pleasure out of fucking her as I did.
Other guests at table: Erase that! Erase that!
Videographer: Are you kidding? This is like gold!

or

Professor: I think I popped a few Oxycontins before I wrote this so it might not make any sense.

or

Victoria’s Secret salesgirl to couple: Our bras are 15% off today.
Male: I prefer it when your bras are 100% off.
Victoria’s Secret salesgirl: [With a blank look on her face.] That wouldn’t make sense. Then they would be free.

Quality. In the air and everywhere

+ Also, allow me to geek out for a minute — no laughing, you — and say OMFG WATCHMEN!!1!
Although I’ve not seen ‘300’, the bloke who directed that handled ‘Watchmen’ and so far, it looks like he’s done a fine job with the visuals, at the very least. I’m actually excited to see this when it comes out next March, and I daresay it might be even be a faithful adaptation of one of my favourite graphic novel series of all time. As long as it doesn’t get fucked and waylaid like that atrocious, hideous, ill-handled, and smelly film version of ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’, I’ll be really happy. I might actually stop hating Hollywood for a couple of minutes! Although Alan Moore, the madman genius who wrote the story might not agree; he’s had a long history of Hollowwood taking liberties with adapting his works to the silver screen — ‘League’ would be a prime example — cos in looking over the credits, his name’s nowhere to be found… Still, I’m keeping my fingers tightly crossed

+ And finally, it appears that Paula ‘Botox-chan‘ Oliveira has A NEW CHALLENGER.

null
You will soon find this pic distracting / annoying / terrifying

I dub thee… Lockjaw-chan. Perhaps this is the effect she was going for?

ta very much to KrazyQ for Lockjaw-chan’s pic

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Sound assessments

typed for your pleasure on 17 June 2008, at 6.05 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Brazil’ by Foot village

Zip Gun managed to find this, coincidentally whilst watching some episodes of Gundam 00:


My Blast off in style in your new Gundam: is Silver Anguish.

Take Name Your Gundam! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey‘s Name Generator Generator.


Very appropriate, I’d say. And this merely confirms what I’d known all along:



blog readability test

TV Reviews

It’s true! Internet-based tests don’t lie!

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Not exactly the Three-fold Law

typed for your pleasure on 16 April 2008, at 2.13 am

Sdtrk: ‘Keeps on burning’ by The burning bush

Stolen from one of my friends, via Myspace. Ignoring the fact that I’m reduced to mining Myspace for content, this one actually presents a bit of a challenge, for reasons that will quickly become apparent…

***
You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less.
***

1. Where is your cell phone?:
In my hand

3. Your hair?
Straightened last Sunday

4. Where is your father?:
Probably at home

5. Cheesecake?
Not too keen

6. Your favorite things to do?
Writing, sleeping, daydreaming

7. Your dream last night?
Ah heh heh

8. Your favorite drink?:
Dr pepper, duh

9. Your dream car?:
New BMW MINI

10. The room you’re in?
Could use vacuuming

11. George Bush?:
Atrocity on legs

12. Your fears?:
Obscurity, conformity, speechlessness

13. Nipple rings?
Lovely on lasses

14. Who did you hang out with last night?
The usual suspects

15. What you’re not good at?
Punctuality, brevity, math

16. Your best friends?
Are extraordinarily tolerant

17. One of your wish list items?
Obviously silicone-based

18. Where did you grow up?:..
Detroit. Believe it

19. The last thing you did?:
More Warriors Orochi

20. What are you wearing?
Air of scepticism

21. Tattoo on the lower back?
Tramp stamp? Ugh

22. Ketchup?
I prefer ‘catsup’

23. Your computer?:
Needs more RAM

24. Your life?
Needs more spare time

25. Your mood?
Sleepy yet saucy

26. Missing?
My youthful idealism

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Horde of tossers

28. Your car?:
Eh, it runs

29. Your work?:
Hideous, hideous, hideous

30. Your summer?
Hopefully not hot

31. Your favorite color(s):
Black, white, grey

32. When is the last time you laughed?
An hour ago

33. Last time you cried?
Can’t remember now

***

Naturally, the usual meme rules apply: if you’d like to be tagged, let me know, as I don’t pass these things on to people. And if you’re willing to overlook the discrepancy of No.24, I’m willing to overlook the fact that there’s no No.2

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Exactly as planned!

typed for your pleasure on 2 August 2007, at 12.42 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Man in the corner shop’ by The Jam

I cannot argue with this assessment! If I had a Death note, the world would be a much better place. I guarantee it.


What Death Note Character Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.


I really couldn’t have asked for a better answer. Apart from maybe ‘You are Ryuk’

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Eight is enough

typed for your pleasure on 14 July 2007, at 1.13 am

Sdtrk: ‘Nightclubbing’ by Iggy Pop

Did everyone have a satisfying Friday the 13th? Good! Mine was spent at work, praying for a swift death that I knew would never arrive, so unfortunately it was a day pretty much like any other. But you lot get a meme, as it’s been a while!
(nicked from Monti’s little black duck)

First, the rules.
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged must make a post about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them each a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

FAC 01 More often than not, I chew my lips, as in biting the uppermost layer of skin off. I’m sure it’s bad for you, but then, what isn’t? I’ve tried numerous times to stop it, but y’know, I’m just too goddamned delicious

FAC 02 I can trace the exact point that my handwriting started becoming indecipherable; it was the day I bought my first computer. From then on, I’ve never looked back

FAC 03 I was the best man at two different best friends’ weddings: Patrick‘s in Ohio, and Sean’s in some godforsaken place in Michigan. Incidentally, they both owe me photos

FAC 04 I didn’t really learn how to drive until a year or so after taking my drivers ed course (at the long-since-demolished Sears in Highland park, if you must know). This was due to the fact that we trained using an automatic, but my parents’ vehicles were both manuals. The most memorable event during my course, however — this is gonna sound like a ‘back in my day’ kind of thing — was driving during a rainy Winter night in downtown (‘One way streets are the Wave of the Future’) Detroit. That was certainly a trial by fire, after a fashion

FAC 05 Much like Monti, I’m shite when it comes to responding to Emails in a timely manner. The same can be said when it comes to returning phone calls; my average turnaround time ranges from three days to two weeks. As far as phone calls, the reason why is I’m watching my peak minutes like a hawk, and as regards written correspondence, it’s because I’ve never been the sort of bloke whose standard Emails run like ‘hihow’sitgoin’greatnotuptomuchokaycatchyalater’ — my missives usually tend to run long, as sometimes I’m too verbose for my own good. Plus, I procrastinate far more than I should

FAC 06 My dress sense, much like Voltron, is a combination based on several members of some of my favourite music groups:
+ Fringe-based hairstyle — Phil Oakey of the Human League
+ Necklaces, bracelets and wrist belts — Marc Almond of Soft cell
+ Button-down dress shirts — Joy division / Laibach
+ Neckties — Joy division / Laibach
+ Slightly oversized cardigans — Morrissey / Robert Smith of the Cure
+ Cargo trousers — Throbbing gristle
+ German tank driver boots — Laibach
+ Leather jacket — Peter Hook of New order / pretty much any Industrial group from the Eighties
+ Shades, strapped to my face forever — The velvet underground

FAC 07 I’ve been told by several (okay, three) sources that I have no arse.
I… can’t really argue with that assessment

FAC 08 Ask me about my loud and annoying dolphin impersonation!

It was tough coming up with things I hadn’t already covered on my ‘85 things‘ page! I mean, honestly, if you’ve been attentive over the past three years, what don’t you know about me?
Also, if you wish to be tagged, leave a comment in the appropriate space, as people seem to inexplicably hate these things

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Clever clever

typed for your pleasure on 23 June 2007, at 2.58 am

Sdtrk: ‘Gorilla tactics’ by Death in June

Right: the LOLCATS thing was funny the first couple of times, but at this point, it’s starting to reek from overuse. But before you pitch it into the aged memes bin to ferment alongside All Your Base, that ‘race car insanity test’, and that peanut butter jelly song, I just thought I’d point out this one I’d spotted:

That’s awfully cute. 🙂
Also, it’s the twenty-third again, which means it’s time to stop round to Sidore’s Dailymotion page — the link’s beneath the banner — for yet another glimpse into the World of Synthetiks *waves hands around like Doug Henning* Happy 23rd!

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A fool and his money, etc etc

typed for your pleasure on 3 May 2007, at 11.49 am

Sdtrk: ‘Becoming more like Alfie’ by The Divine comedy

‘What else could I buy instead of a RealDoll’? I’m afraid I don’t understand the question.

If you were intending to buy a RealDoll for US$7000.00, you could instead buy:
  • four seconds of the US war on Iraq
  • nine thousand, three hundred and thirty-three packets of itching powder
  • six cheap flights from the northern hemisphere to Australia
  • forty-nine second-hand 28″ CRT televisions
  • seventy felt bowler hats
  • eight hundred and sixty-three litres of Red Bull energy drink
  • one twentieth of a terraced house on an English council estate
  • eighteen kilolitres of unleaded gasoline (in America)
  • one hundred and thirty-one thousand, five hundred and twenty-eight 5mm light-emitting diodes
  • three thousand, nine hundred and thirty-two lottery tickets, probably worthless
What are you thinking of buying?
I might buy for

Here’s something to consider: what would I do with 863 litres of Red Bull? I know! Kill myself.
How many of these will $7000 USD purchase, I wonder?

More than likely just one, but you really can’t put a price on a structure(s) that exterminate all rational thought

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