Metal machine maiden

typed for your pleasure on 3 August 2008, at 12.21 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Nu, Iside’ by LAShTAL

What with SoulCalibur being one of the two fighting games I like (the highly-underrated Rival schools being the other), how pleased was I to see that one of the characters in SCIV is a Gothic Lolita automaton lass? As punch. Meet cute, rustproof Ashlotte:

Between her metal dress and the head of that crazy spear she’s rockin’, she seems to have an ‘iron maiden’ motif going, which is entirely appropriate. And did you spot the gears in her midsection? Mmm, lovely. All she needs is a great big key sticking out of her back, and that would be fantastic. Clang clang, indeed…

Normally, my fave SoulCalibur character is the luscious British alchemist Isabella Valentine, even though SCIII screwed up her movesets. SCIII screwed up a number of things, such as not nipping that whole file corruption bollocks in the bud, to be honest. But don’t worry, our Ashlotte will put things right!
Now all I need is a PS3 or an XSLAB 360! Ergh

Technorati tags: Rival Schools, SoulCalibur, Gothic Lolita, Ashlotte, Technosexual, Isabella “Ivy” Valentine

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Circus Minimus: The biggest lion so far

typed for your pleasure on 1 August 2008, at 10.37 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Speak well of Manderlay’ by Zoos of Berlin

Q: What would be worse than a crucifixion an interview on Geraldo?
A: Having one on Jerry Springer.

from: jsproducer3@aol.com
to: pulsedemon [at] gmail [dot] com
date: Tue, Jul 29, 2008 at 10:17 PM
subject: Guest Appearance?

Davecat,

My name is Jackie and I’m a Production Assistant with the Jerry Springer Show. We’re currently looking to book cool and interesting people for the show and I was wondering if you might be interested in appearing as a guest. If this sounds at all appealing to you, don’t hesitate to reply! Also, if you have any questions feel free to ask!

Hope to hear from you!
Jackie Suerth
Production Assistant
The Jerry Springer Show
[phone number]

That’s right, the living embodiment of All That Is Wrong With Modern Television, Jerry Springer. I can only imagine what kind of insightful and intelligent approach they’d take with my segment — ‘I’M IN LOVE (‘love’ in pink) WITH A SEX DOLL!!! (wiggly typeface)’. You know, the award-quality material he and his crew are used to creating. Springer’s handler (die Springerhändler) even sent me an identical message on Myspace, as well as an add request. Apart from me not accepting adds anymore — which people seem to be ignoring, as I still get a request every other day — why would I want to befriend a producer for the Jerry Springer show?? Yeah, me and my boon companion from the staff of Jerry fucking Springer. Could you imagine?

Now, anyone who knows me on anything deeper than surface level knows that I despise 95% of what passes for entertainment on television; and if you didn’t before, well, you do now. I haven’t even watched broadcast telly since ‘Seinfeld’ went off the air. Were I to make an appearance on Springer’s programme, it would end in me hurling a seat directly at his face, quickly followed by his bodyguards fatally sniping me from the balcony. But it would be worth it. I’d probably die a martyr!

So I responded thus:

from: Dave Kuroneko
to: jsproducer3@aol.com
date: Thu, Jul 31, 2008 at 1:22 AM
subject: Re: Guest Appearance?

Hi Jackie –

Thanks for your gracious offer! However, I’m not entirely sure that Jerry Springer’s show is the best and most balanced venue to discuss my lifestyle as an iDollator. I appreciate the opportunity, though!

Cheers,
Davecat, with valued assistance from Sidore

I figured that might answer her question, but as was the case with the previous non-sequitur media scavengers, I fully expected her to make one more attempt. If that occurred, I’d simply play my little manipulation game: ‘You really want me to be on your show, eh?’ I’d respond. ‘Okay, I’ll do it. BUT! You have to provide me with air fare both ways, and pay me $14,000, which would be enough to get Shi-chan both a new body and a girlfriend. If my appearance is that important to you, it’s a done deal. Right?’
I didn’t even get that far! Imagine my surprise when she didn’t write back after my response! Huh. *shrug*

Let, ah… let that be a lesson to you!

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