Circus Minimus: The biggest lion so far

typed for your pleasure on 1 August 2008, at 10.37 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Speak well of Manderlay’ by Zoos of Berlin

Q: What would be worse than a crucifixion an interview on Geraldo?
A: Having one on Jerry Springer.

from: jsproducer3@aol.com
to: pulsedemon [at] gmail [dot] com
date: Tue, Jul 29, 2008 at 10:17 PM
subject: Guest Appearance?

Davecat,

My name is Jackie and I’m a Production Assistant with the Jerry Springer Show. We’re currently looking to book cool and interesting people for the show and I was wondering if you might be interested in appearing as a guest. If this sounds at all appealing to you, don’t hesitate to reply! Also, if you have any questions feel free to ask!

Hope to hear from you!
Jackie Suerth
Production Assistant
The Jerry Springer Show
[phone number]

That’s right, the living embodiment of All That Is Wrong With Modern Television, Jerry Springer. I can only imagine what kind of insightful and intelligent approach they’d take with my segment — ‘I’M IN LOVE (‘love’ in pink) WITH A SEX DOLL!!! (wiggly typeface)’. You know, the award-quality material he and his crew are used to creating. Springer’s handler (die Springerhändler) even sent me an identical message on Myspace, as well as an add request. Apart from me not accepting adds anymore — which people seem to be ignoring, as I still get a request every other day — why would I want to befriend a producer for the Jerry Springer show?? Yeah, me and my boon companion from the staff of Jerry fucking Springer. Could you imagine?

Now, anyone who knows me on anything deeper than surface level knows that I despise 95% of what passes for entertainment on television; and if you didn’t before, well, you do now. I haven’t even watched broadcast telly since ‘Seinfeld’ went off the air. Were I to make an appearance on Springer’s programme, it would end in me hurling a seat directly at his face, quickly followed by his bodyguards fatally sniping me from the balcony. But it would be worth it. I’d probably die a martyr!

So I responded thus:

from: Dave Kuroneko
to: jsproducer3@aol.com
date: Thu, Jul 31, 2008 at 1:22 AM
subject: Re: Guest Appearance?

Hi Jackie –

Thanks for your gracious offer! However, I’m not entirely sure that Jerry Springer’s show is the best and most balanced venue to discuss my lifestyle as an iDollator. I appreciate the opportunity, though!

Cheers,
Davecat, with valued assistance from Sidore

I figured that might answer her question, but as was the case with the previous non-sequitur media scavengers, I fully expected her to make one more attempt. If that occurred, I’d simply play my little manipulation game: ‘You really want me to be on your show, eh?’ I’d respond. ‘Okay, I’ll do it. BUT! You have to provide me with air fare both ways, and pay me $14,000, which would be enough to get Shi-chan both a new body and a girlfriend. If my appearance is that important to you, it’s a done deal. Right?’
I didn’t even get that far! Imagine my surprise when she didn’t write back after my response! Huh. *shrug*

Let, ah… let that be a lesson to you!

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

What's been up, buttercup? / Circus Minimus: The other Big O on April 28th, 2011

Circus Minimus: It's just getting weirder now on May 2nd, 2008

14 have spoken to “Circus Minimus: The biggest lion so far”

  1. SafeTinspector writes:

    your rejection of die Springerhändler may have been hasty. Not of the invite–you’re quite right in rejecting that–but of the friend request.

    Make New Friends/ but keep the old/ one is silver/ and the other gold

  2. Davecat writes:

    Newspaper captains and tough paper mittens / Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen / Loose paper sammiches tied up with string / These are a few of my favourite bling

  3. Euchre writes:

    My God man, how could you pass up the (snicker) oppertunity of a life-time to (snickering even more) appear on Jerry! Maybe there was a reason (lets out a loud snicker) that they wrote. Maybe the Missus is secretly seeing some backwater trailer park (can’t hold this in much longer, snickers loud) Charlie doll and they need to confess their love for each other… (BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…fists pounding on table)
    Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!!!

    The circle is almost complete… just need an email from Maury’s people and you (might) be able to rest easy from the carnie folk.

  4. Laura writes:

    Jerry Springer? Wow. That show cracks me up. But I prefer Maury. If you get a Maury invatation you have to take me.
    My friends and I find Maury more entertaining than the likes of SNL.
    We’re odd.

  5. Kat writes:

    Well I suppose it was only a matter of time. Cant say much for Jerry Springers repertoire but they sure were good customers when I was doing shipping and receiving for a fantasy shoe company.

  6. Davecat writes:

    Euchre
    I know, I dropped the ball on that one. I could’ve announced to the world that I’ve been seeing Phoebe on the side, and Shi-chan could’ve confessed that she’s been sleeping with Penelope. You will believe chairs can fly.
    JER-RY JER-RY JER-RY JER-RY etc

    Laura –
    I dunno; I’d probably imitate Letterman by insisting on calling him ‘Murray’ throughout the broadcast.

    And it doesn’t take a lot to be funnier than SNL these days! Like an old lady having a chance enounter with a squirrel, for instance. That’s Comedy!

    Kat –
    They were customers for a fantasy shoe company? Was Jerry ordering sexy red stilettos for himself and his crew?? Do I really want to know the answer???

  7. Mahtek writes:

    I HEARD THAT, DAVECAT!

    (Throws chair)

    Stay away from my dolls!

    (Pats self down looking for gun)

  8. Davecat writes:

    *bleeeeep* YOU AIN’T THE BOSS OF ME, *bleep bleep*

    *throws chair*

  9. MontiLee writes:

    Springer?

    Aside from the fact that she can’t stut down the catwalk after an extreme makeover (I Was A Lump Of Steel And Silicone In High School But Look At Me Now!!!) and you’re not eating mashed potatoes off of her body (no – please, spare me the clarification), you sitting there with her, not giving the audience the satisfaction of ripping off your shirt and kicking the guy with no legs – that’s just not a show.

    *crosses fingers and hopes for The View*

  10. PBShelley writes:

    Holy cow, I totally missed this post due to the distracting and fabulous goth-loli maiden entry above this one! Just when I didn’t think it could get any worse after that “Geraldo correspondence”, up jumps Jerry.

    In modern-day parlance: OMFG

    That about sums it up…

    But no! I must also congratulate you on your obvious magentic-like attraction to the simple-minded (and your judicious and clever spurning); now we must hope for something a leeeetle more elevated.

    Dare I say “sophisticated”? No, I dare not, for that word and “television” cannot coexist within the same sentence else it will mean The End Of Civilization As We Know It (TM).

    Sometimes I think that that might not be a bad thing, as long as we all survived of course. The only TeeVee I watch anymore is “24” which I need for some semblance of adrenaline-rushing, and … and… *strains* some “South Park”… sometimes… “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” infrequently. That’s it.

    As far as I’m concerned, the television is only good for watching movies, concert videos, and (of course) anime. I think that Jerry Springer’s show was pretty much the Beginning of The End LOL

    *throws comfy chair at Jerry*

  11. Davecat writes:

    Monti
    I’m shuddering thinking of a Springer-enforced makeover — they would undoubtedly strip Sweetie of her Gothic finery, and make her look like Jessica Simpson, or some other media tart. It’d be like when Molly Ringwald applied ‘better’ makeup to Ally Sheedy towards the end of ‘The Breakfast club’, only 1000 times worse. And that’s precisely when I would make Springer’s head explode. Don’t ask me how. It would just happen.

    Also, those would be scallions, not mashed potatoes. We do have standards round here, y’know.

    Le PBShelley and la Synthetik femmes –
    Yeah; the timing was off with the last four posts — they kinda got stacked. I like to give them a chance to breathe, much like a fine wine, or an air freshener in the shape of a pine tree. 🙂

    You use your telly like I use my telly! DVDs, videogames, and the occasional VHS tape only! When Tsukihime and I first moved into Deafening silence Plus, she spearheaded the drive to get cable, as she watched slightly more telly than I do, and since she was paying the utilities, I said sure. As she was really too busy to watch it, though, we got rid of it like a month after we had it installed. Plus, all the channels I wanted to watch (BBC America, Fox Soccer Channel) would’ve hiked up the price, so we just got boring old basic. So we discontinued it after literally only watching 30 minutes worth of cable telly — one of those foodie shows where some bloke travels to southeast Asia and eats some vile local ‘cuisine’, like a centipede-and-monkey-brain pudding, or similar. Which, granted, would be enough to make anyone get rid of their cable.

    Frankly, I was surprised to learn that Springer still has a show, although I know I really shouldn’t be. Ergh.

    *throws chair just on general principle*

  12. Laura writes:

    I loved Monti’s comment.
    And I’ve always wanted to be one of Letterman’s ‘imps’, the ones he has throw paint of the roof and yell at pedestrians with a bull horn.
    Wonder where I send my resume’ to…?

  13. MontiLee writes:

    Awww – Thanks Laura.

    Letterman has a PA named Stephanie, which of course he called “Monty” for a while (he’s currently calling her “Vickie”) which tickled me to no end.

    This may be a good week for me. First my writing partner flatters me something lovely, and now this!

    *runs off to prepare coronation speech*

  14. Laura writes:

    I loved Monti!
    She used to ask the Survior cast offs “Did you see or touch any monkeys”
    Even after she and Letterman went through the spiel everytime about how she wasn’t going to ask that.

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