You’re paying for the name

typed for your pleasure on 3 May 2017, at 10.25 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Day by day’ by the Yuzuru Sera Trio

(This would be another one of those posts that was started several jobs ago, and placed into cold storage, as I didn’t want to have the place that I was working for spot this online, and perceive that I was somehow unsatisfied with my job. Long story short, I worked for a company that worked for Apple for a year, and not only did I hate it, but thanks to my experiences with the Typical Apple Customer Demographic, I despise Apple even more that I previously did. There’s your backstory.)

At my silly workplace, they have us gathered into teams, which is completely arbitrary, as the teams started off from being ‘the people that trained together during orientation’ to ‘some people over there in that aisle, with some other people over there, and we have neither rhyme nor reason for our choices because omfg who cares’. The team I’m currently in is called The Royal Apps. It’s undoubtedly supposed to be written APPs, as one of our goals is to sell APPs (AppleCare Protection Plans) to people stupid enough to have purchased an overpriced Apple product in the first place, but I think it could also mean apps, as in applications. It’s not been made clear, which is par for the course with the type of bullshit we deal with over at that place.
So our team leader suggested recently that we come up with a logo and a slogan. Someone submitted a clipart of the Apple logo with a crown on it. I… couldn’t add anything to that, so well done, I suppose. Meanwhile I’d cobbled together a handful of slogans, which are par for the course of the type of mania that you’d expect from me. Here, then, are the Emails I’d sent:

TO: [team leader]
FROM: Dave [surname redacted]
SUBJECT: Re: Banner

I humbly submit to you some slogan ideas; every one is a guaranteed winner. Guaranteed.

+ ROYAL APPS: Now more than ever.
+ An app is good, but a Royal App is Regal. Well, it’s Royal. Same thing, technically speaking.
+ ROYAL APPS: Providing Fine Handmade Apps to the Kingdom and Colonies since 1762
+ Papal rosy? Opal spray? Polar yaps? Poplar say? Nay! ROYAL APPS. Yay!
+ Royal Apps. BELIEVE IT.
+ ROYAL APPS: You’ve Tried The Rest, Now Try Another One
+ ROYAL APPS: Accept no substitute. But then, it depends on what you’re looking for; maybe a substitute is what you need. We’re kinda busy taking calls, here.
+ Royal Apps: Herstellungsschicksal, für immer. (Manufacturing destiny, forever. Like most things, it sounds better in German)
+ And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Apps
+ ROYAL APPS: Taste the Magic
+ Royal Apps. As old as the hills, yet as young as tomorrow. (second favourite)
+ Trust Royal Apps, for All of your Appin’ Needs
+ You can’t spell ‘Apple’ without ‘Royal Apps’! Plus, the extra letters spell ‘Royas’!
+ Can you name any other team that is descended from Royalty? No, you can’t. It’s right there in our name – ROYAL APPS.

I think we’re done here! Remember: no matter which one you choose, it is a winner.


~ later ~

TO: [team leader]
FROM: Dave [surname redacted]
SUBJECT: Re: Banner

ERRATA: the slogan ‘You can’t spell “Apple” without “Royal Apps”! Plus, the extra letters spell “Royas”!’ should read ‘You can’t spell “Apple” without “Royal Apps”! Plus, the extra letters spell “Roys”!’

We deeply apologize for any inconvenience or sorrow that this may have caused you.


Still haven’t heard from our team leader regarding my submissions. Maybe I used too many vowels?

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

An actual scene from work today on August 31st, 2004

Speaking of Hallowe'en.. on November 1st, 2004

Leave a charming reply