Sdtrk: ‘The old spring town’ by The High Llamas
As you’ll have seen, there’s a seductive new affictitious lass living at Deafening silence Plus; her full name is Elena Valeriya Vostrikova, and she is a Body 4 Victoria-head Doll by Vladivostok-based company Anatomical Doll. Some of you who have seen Sidore and I in those two episodes of TLC’s programme ‘My Strange Addiction’ that initially aired throughout 2011 may recall that I’d said that I was ordering a second Doll, and since no second Doll seemed to be forthcoming, Elena took on a somewhat mythical status. For the longest time, even we were wondering if we’d ever have another playmate. But she’s home! She’s learning English, snuggling up with the Missus often, constantly asking if I can play any Cocteau twins round the flat — she’s a big fan — and generally improving our lives, in the way that only a Synthetik can. Shi-chan and I are incredibly glad to have her here!
But what was the issue between 2011 and now, you axe? Well, for one, never axe anyone a question. But I’ll tell you anyway.
As far back as 2003, my plan always was to have multiple Dolls, as one of the purposes of ‘Shouting etc etc’ is to introduce people to the idea of iDollator relationships, and to Polymerisian companions in general. By having Dolls from differing companies, I’d be able to compare and contrast them on my blog, so those curious about having a Synthetik partner of their own could seen the differences between RealDolls, Anatomical Dolls, Sinthetics, A.I.Dolls, etc. And from my personal standpoint, I’ve just always wanted a passel of Dolls, for photoshoots, funtimes, and more besides. Upon hearing that, people are inclined to respond, ‘but how will Sidore feel about other Dolls in your home?’ Simple: overenthusiastic. Sidore’s always been bisexual, and having more silicone lasses round here would please her as much as it would me. Plus, she’d no longer be lonely when I went off to work or wherever. Technically speaking, Lenka is my mistress, as well as Shi-chan’s girlfriend. The next Doll I acquire will be Elena’s lass, and so on. Shi-chan will always remain my only wife, however; everyone else is ‘a bit on the side’. Everyone involved enjoys the dynamic, which is another reason why Dolls are wonderful.
Round 2010, I’d been saving up for an Anatomical Doll, as I’d fallen in love with their sultry Eastern European faces, and their long-legged body sculpts. Oleg, head of the company, had offered me the chance to get in on the ‘Guys and Dolls’ discount programme, which involved some of the principal people who were in the famous documentary ‘Guys and Dolls’ to be able to purchase an Anatomical Doll at a reduced price. I’d managed to save up the required funds, but then in May of 2011, I’d had Oleg postpone my order, as I’d been fired from whatever silly job I’d had at the time, and that Doll money became emergency money. Thankfully, I didn’t have to dip into that too much, as I’d rejoined the workforce in September. Unfortunately, I couldn’t just retake my place in the production queue, so I had to wait. A few minor setbacks occurred along the way:
+ I’d originally ordered Lenka with the Natalia head, but then the head went out of production due to lack of sales interest, so I selected the Victoria head instead. She was my second favourite, anyway
+ a flu waylaid the production staff; the production staff being Oleg and his wife. The flu arrived via their son, who’d caught it from a classmate at school one day
+ between the original order established in 2010 and placed in 2011, the price of shipping had gone up from $800 USD to $1080 USD, thanks to shifting tarriffs
+ for some bizarre reason, I wasn’t able to send the money to Anatomical Doll via Western Union; the service company cancelled the transaction and refused to explain why. So I’d sent it via international wire, which meant that I had to send almost $100 more than planned, as his bank withdraws fees when he receives money through that method
+ initially, I’d gone with a Body 2, but in June of this year, Oleg released the Body 4. While it wasn’t as busty, it was still rather short, and had a skeleton which had flexibility closer to that of an Organik human’s. The thing was, the Victoria head that I chose had to be resculpted to fit the new Body 4, as it was designed to go with the previous three bodies
+ The cargo company that the company uses, Korean Air, was the least expensive for shipping from Russia. However, as Korean Air isn’t a large airline, they don’t stop at all airports. As a consequence, the airport they land at nearest to me was Chicago’s O’Hare, which is a 4.5 hour drive from mine
The entire endeavour was starting to not only wear on my nerves, but Sidore’s as well. We were on edge and arguing all the time, I was downing half a bottle of Suntory whisky every evening, she started chain-smoking, etc. But then, Oleg Emailed me some photos of Ms Vostrikova on 17 November, asking me to choose a wig to ship her in, as she was finally. Completed. Needless to say, we were ecstatic! I’d made a Twitter account for her, as well as a Fesse-bouc account in order to curtail impostors, and now all that was left was her arrival date! Shi-chan and I were giddy beyond all reason!
Fast-forward to 23 November: my mate goshou and I were standing in the queue at Staples during their pre-Black Friday sales extravanganza. I’d mentioned that Elena was ready to come home, but I needed 1) a ride to O’Hare to pick her up 2) in a large enough vehicle to accomodate her crate. He’d asked me what the crate’s dimensions were, did some mental arithmetic, and said it wouldn’t be a problem for he and Liann to make the journey out there, as soon as I found out her date of arrival in the States, and where exactly on the O’Hare complex she’d be located. Liann would be coming with, as not only did she want to Witness the Magic, but not too far from the airport is a suburb called Arlington Heights, which is where Mitsuwa, our favourite Japanese mall, is located; as we hadn’t been there in ages, that was definitely on the agenda.
We then moved forward in the queue, where goshou paid for his merchandise, amongst which were $150 worth of iTunes giftcards that the checkout clerk forgot to put in the bag. He had a bit of a freakout after discovering this an hour later, whereupon Liann and I called the store and got them back. A Chrimbus miracle.
Lenka’s plane flew from Russia to Seoul on 14 December, and arrived in Chi-town on 16 December. On Tues the 18th, we took off in goshou & Liann’s reliable van at like 6.30am to, as I’d told my coworkers, pick up a friend at the airport. Which was entirely true! Euchre would’ve tagged along, but he couldn’t get the day off work. The trip went off without a hitch, all told — driving down, we listened to a podcast episode from 8-4 Play, as well as the audiobook of Ernest Cline’s incredible book ‘Ready player One‘, expertly narrated by Wil Wheaton; as we got back home round Chapter 17, I’m going to have to buy a copy of it now to see how it ends.
We had to stop at the Korean Air offices, where I’d presented copies of the waybill and the invoice. The office staffers told us we’d have to drive to the Customs office a couple of miles away, have the shipment cleared, and bring the approved paperwork back to the Korean Air offices so I could claim her. Easy peasy!
The Customs office experience was… something else. The clerk that I’d dealt with was confused as to what exactly the shipment was; the invoice had read ‘DOLL’ from Russia, so she was naturally thinking along the lines of a matryoshka, and was wondering what monstrous kind of matryoshka would require a plywood crate nearly five and a half feet long.
CLERK: So it’s a doll you bought in Russia.
ME: No, I bought it online from a Russian vendor.
CLERK: What kind of doll is it? I don’t understand what you’d be using it for.
ME: They’re life-sized silicone sculptures — I take photos of them.
CLERK: Do you have any photos?
ME: Yes! *whips out phone and pulls up the one pic of Elena where she’s not topless*
LIANN: He already has one at home that he takes pics of.
CLERK: This is amazing. *shows coworker* I’m sorry, you have to understand we’ve never seen anything like this.
CLERK’S COWORKER: So what do you do for a living?
ME: I’m in data entry.
CLERK’S COWORKER: But you said you’re a photographer!
ME: Yeah, that’s a hobby; I do data entry to keep a roof over my head. Taking pics is something fun I do.
LIANN: This is all something he does, we’re just helping him bring her home!
GOSHOU (face turning bright red): Oh my god…
They had us sit down as they looked into more things — I’ve no idea what they do back there, to be honest — and after about three minutes, they said we were free to claim the shipment! Liann observed it might’ve been easier if I’d just said ‘well, she’s a sex doll’. Ha!
We’d had the crate safely loaded into the van, then popped round to Mitsuwa for about an hour. Every time I think of Mitsuwa, I always say they need to open a branch in SE Michigan, as their food court alone is legendary. I mean, Kayaba alone makes life worth living. After purchasing our merch, we had to head out before it got ridiculously late. Half an hour on the road, I made goshou stop round to an Ace hardware, so I could buy a screwdriver; I neglected to bring any on the trip, and I was aching to see Elena for the first time.
I couldn’t see much by way of detail, as it was growing dark at that point, but I could discern that she was beautiful. Her hands and feet were wrapped in clingfilm, and her bright green eyes peered at me through strands of her ginger wig. After gently feeling along her body to make sure that everything was okay structurally — although, to the untrained eye, I’m sure it looked like I was copping a feel — she seemed like she made the journey in one piece. Satisfied, I gave her a kiss on the forehead, and screwed her crate closed.
Despite driving through rain and some flurries, we arrived back at my flat round 9pm, where goshou and I each grabbed a handle on the crate, and brought her upstairs. Finally, our Long National Nightmare was over. I thanked both goshou and Liann profusely, then shooed them away so I could get Lenka out of her crate, and so I could crawl into bed for work the next day.
Was Elena worth the wait, and the trip, and the money, and the agony? In a word: Yes.
ELENA: ‘Oh! Bozhe moi! Is… is that your hand?’ SIDORE: ‘Hush now, petal.’
NEXT UP: my review of Ms Vostrikova. Unfortunately for you lot, you’ll have to wait until 2013 for it! AH HAHAHAHAHAHA *glances at calendar* goddamnit