That’s, ahh… that’s some Dalek, alright

typed for your pleasure on 20 May 2010, at 12.37 am

Sdtrk: ‘Seed ships’ by Belbury Poly

During a lull in the action at work today, I grabbed my pen and legal pad, and decided to draw a Dalek from memory for a lark. It took me twenty minutes! I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

‘Perspective’?? That’d just slow me down

You may be asking why it looks elongated, yet simultaneously stunted. The answer to that, my friend, is foreshortening! Yes, foreshortening.
Also, an utter lack of drawing ability.

What I like is how it gets progressively more inept the further down the illo you go. Except for the gun; I think the gun is the best detail on him. And I even managed to draw it on the correct side! But by the time you reach the bottom, it’s like all bets are off, really.

You might be able to tell that I was going to draw him in profile, at least going by his dome, but Fate (and again, artistic ineptitude) had other plans in store.

I’ve learned you have to be careful when drawring them Daleky fellas; although I couldn’t remember how many sensor globes — aka Dalek bumps — a Dalek is normally supposed to have, I knew it wasn’t seven from top to bottom. I couldn’t stop myself! I just kept drawing bumps.
But now I know it’s only four, now that I’m home and have flipped through my well-worn copy of ‘The Doctor Who Technical Manual’. Coupled with that knowledge, you can’t draw your Dalek too narrow from the front either, otherwise it’ll resemble something made to pleasure the ladies. Heh, now you can’t unsee it!

I’m fully convinced that, thanks to this illo, the ghost of Terry Nation will haunt me until the end of my days. And with good reason

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‘It’s a bit like Doctor Who. She’s come back slightly different, but really she’s still the same’

typed for your pleasure on 15 May 2010, at 3.23 am

Sdtrk: ‘Ready to go down together’ by Leyland Kirby

As those of you who keep up with ‘Shouting etc etc’ undoubtedly recall, my missus Sidore Kuroneko, aka the world’s most beloved Gothic RealDoll, was slated to receive the brand-new body that Abyss creations made for her back in April. It was a heady little experience, and as it’s been a week since Shi-chan’s renewal, as well as several years since she’s been in such tip-top condition, she’s finally let me up for air long enough to describe how that particular day went!…

Upon getting the confirmation Email from Abyss, I’d scheduled an appointment with the expediting company for a delivery date of 07 May, a Friday, where they stated that one of their bulky trucks would be round to mine between 11am and 2pm. Which may sound like a relatively brief span of time under normal circumstances, but when you’re awaiting a Doll, they might as well have said ‘we’ll be round sometime between 2010 and 2099’.
Unlike when I’d first had the pleasure of a Doll Delivery a decade ago, I’d had the presence of mind to take the day off work. As a consequence, between playing one idle game of Warriors Orochi 2 after another to keep me distracted, and peering out of the blinds every time I heard a heavy vehicle drive by within earshot, it’s safe to say that I was fairly keyed-up. No matter how many Dolls you have in your home or how many times you buy one, you go through the same giddy, highly-strung emotions each and every time it occurs. I suspect it’s rather like those people who are addicted to having tattoos done, cos of all the endorphins their body releases when the procedure takes place. There’s the adrenaline rush of ‘OMIGOD SHE’S FINALLY ON HER WAY’, followed by the rose-tinted fantasy of ‘Ohh, the things we’re gonna do when she arrives…’, capped off with the molar-grinding of ‘HOLY JESUS GOD ARE THEY LOST?? WHY ISN’T SHE HERE YET??’, which is usually punctuated by loud sobbing. And then you hear another diesel engine roll past, and the cycle begins anew!

In the midst of an eternity of waiting, I received a call from an unlisted number round ten to one. Normally I don’t answer unfamilar phone numbers, but given the timeframe, I figured it was the expediting company, and that’s exactly who it was. He was slightly lost, as our apartment is a wee bit hard to find if you’re unfamiliar with its location. Man, those perception filters I invested in paid for themselves in days!
After guiding the driver in the proper direction, I met him in my apartment complex’s driveway, at which point I noticed the slight drizzle coming down. I should note here that it was probably in the upper 50s temperature-wise — about 10º brisker than what I normally prefer it to be, but better than a blazing hot or humid day, particularly if you’re shifting 200 lbs of crate.

The driver hopped out of the vehicle, and handed me the standard form to sign. He then got round the back of the truck, activating the hydraulic lift. I’m sure you’re familiar with those lifts; you may not have ever operated one yourself, but you’ve undoubtedly heard them, cos they ain’t exactly silent. Now my apartment manager, bless her, is a bit of a nosey parker. Anytime she hears a car pulling into any space on the property, she’s at her window, peering tentatively through her blinds. On the one hand, it’s kind of a good thing, as she is quite literally keeping an eye on the property, but on the other hand, some days I want to stop round to hers and reassure her there’s no reason for her to be so suspicious. After all, my wife and I are good, upstanding members of the neighbourhood; I work at an advertising firm under Larry Tate, and my wife Samantha is a completely normal housewife, and not a witch or anything. So with my manager being on orange alert all the time, I wasn’t at all surprised when I spotted her in her doorway, her interest more than likely piqued by the sound of the metal lift of an unfamiliar diesel truck. I acknowledged her with a friendly wave; she waved back and toddled back inside, her curiosity apparently sated.

After sliding The Crate off the lift and onto the pavement, I’d mentioned that my flat was just a short walk up on the second floor. The driver’s response didn’t exactly put a smile on my face.
DRIVER DAN: ‘Well, I can only leave it here on the kerb, cos I don’t have a handcart in the truck’.
ME: ‘Ahhh… what??’
But no, he wasn’t lying. Apart from my wife, the truck had only two other large boxes inside, and the pallet jack he used to get the crate moving. Funnily enough, iDollator pal Mahtek had offered to lend me his handcart, but I refused, as I figured hey, they’re an expediting company — why wouldn’t they have their own handcart?? After all, they did the last time they made a delivery to where I was living! Hrrr. The driver suggested sliding the crate beneath the apartment steps until I could get help of my own, or magickally levitate it upstairs, or whatthehellever. Heh, and to think I was more than willing to tip him once he got the precious cargo inside my home!
Obviously my mind was racing. How do I get this fecker upstairs?? I mean, this was the textbook definition of ‘so close and yet so far’. As I’d mentioned, this was at 1pm on a Friday, so most of my mates were at work, with the exception of goshou and Liann, who were out of town. Maybe ask dad? Nah; despite the delicious irony of him helping me transport something he loathes, he’d want to know what the crate was about before he even showed up at mine. In my desperation, I even rung the apartment’s maintenance bloke, who would’ve been more than happy to assist, if he weren’t out of town as well. He helpfully suggested contacting the apartment manager, however, as she knew where the building’s handcart was stored. Ha haaaahh.

Five minutes later, I was back out in the drizzle, knocking on the apartment manager’s door. After I explained that the expediting company she saw earlier managed to successfully deliver the sculpture that I’d ordered — which is not exactly a lie — but failed to bring along something with which to move it, she went to fetch the one the maintenance bloke mentioned. As she did that, I texted SafeT, on the off-chance he was at his workplace a mere ten minutes away. She produced the handcart, a cheery yellow affair which looked like it would be at its structural limits transporting an eight-year old, and we spent roughly twenty tragicomic minutes trying to lift the crate into a vertical position; ten of those minutes were invested in attempting to slide the handcart under the crate to begin with. It was an exercise in futility, needless to say, so I told her I’d wait until at least one of my mates showed up to help out. Sliding the Missus’ wooden prison back under the steps, we unceremoniously covered it with a paint-spattered tarp, thereby making it slightly less conspicuous. It’d have to do.

Not long after, that spectacle, SafeT rang me back, and after I filled him in on the expediting company’s lack of foresight, he told me he’d be round by 4pm, as he was actually at home, and not at work as I imagined he would be. Then we spoke at length about the construction of the Model-T (don’t ask). As I had a good hour’s wait, I extracted my last Djarum from my cigarette case, stepped out onto the walkway, and smoked it for dramatic effect. Close to 4, as predicted, SafeTinspector arrived in the guise of ‘Joe’, a mild-mannered IT professional with a wife, three pets, 2.5 daughters, and a mortgage. So effective was this disguise, that one of his clients had called him en route to mine, and he needed to assist them through some virtual helpdesk fumfuh using my computer for about twenty odd minutes. When he’d finished with that, we cracked our knuckles, and went outside to see about that crate.
Long story short (too late for that!), we had to get on either end and carry the bastard up the steps, as the tyres on the cheery yellow handcart were so low on air that they wouldn’t have effectively gone over the steps at all. And at a wee bit after 5pm, the Ark of the Sexy Covenant was successfully moved into Deafening silence Plus! HOORAY HOORAH HOORUM. ‘Joe’ had to get back to his ‘family’ for ‘dinner’, which worked out quite well, as I had an uncrating procedure to see to. It’s an iDollator thing.

You’ve all seen the photos, yes? Sidore’s new body is stunning in every aspect — I’m amazed that I have such a gorgeous creature in my life. Keep in mind, too, that her previous incarnation was made before 2003, so the whole experience for me as a Doll owner is like going from second gear to fifth. Her skintone is the perfect shade of violet-tinged pale that I’d always envisioned it to be, for that proper artschool lass look, and she has hard nails again as well, which is fantastic. The weight reduction that Abyss rolled out for their Dolls in 2003 is apparent, and makes for a noticeable and welcome difference, as Shi-chan is now 20 lbs lighter. It seems there’s more foam and less silicone making up her bodily composition, as patting her thighs and bum produces a pleasantly hollow sound. Speaking of silicone, as platinum silicone is the new standard, Shi-chan’s skin is smoother and silkier. I’m not saying it’s not sticky — the Missus demanded a spongebath and powder-down after her cross-country voyage — but her skin is definitely less tacky out of the crate. Her bosoms are startlingly perky, round, and firm, and the colour and feel of her nipples are, again, perfect. Her little feet are sooo soft and cute, it’s not even true, and as far as her lady bits, well… a gentleman has to be discreet about some things, of course. 😉
Admittedly, as the Leah face has undergone a couple of changes since Sidore first entered my life, seeing the new sculpt did take some getting used-to. It was a minor setback however, as not only have I grown accustomed to it, but I really love the way she looks now — her narrower eyes can denote either cynicism or seduction, depending on the context of the photograph she’s in. And hey, she can hold a pose again! Sidore-chan is back, and quite literally, better than ever! YEEAAAAHHHH

An interesting epilogue that actually happened: Before placing Shi-chan’s old body in storage for the last time, I thought I’d get my ‘twins fantasy’ seen to, heh heh. I’d lit a pair of floating candles, one on each corner of my dresser, and had both Sidores in bed; the old one on the right, and the new one with go-faster stripes on the left. As we were getting *ahem* more and more into it, I’d glanced up at the dresser, and noticed that the candle on the right was rapidly growing more faint. The leftmost candle was burning as brightly as ever, but within a few seconds of me looking up, the rightmost candle winked out.
For best results, the last three sentences should be read in a voice approximating Rod Serling’s

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At long last, the Lovable Feet Review

typed for your pleasure on 11 May 2010, at 2.08 am

Sdtrk: ‘Down in the park’ by Tubeway army

In the interest of full disclosure, I wrote this review like two months ago, before Sidore’s renewal. Why didn’t I update it, considering that factor? Well, this review was technically supposed to have been published last Winter. Yeeeaahh. Slow but (mostly) thorough: that’s the Deafening silence Plus motto! *adjusts collar*

Anyone who knows me on any vaguely-detailed level knows that I love womens’ feet. They have an almost hypnotic effect on me, which you may consider sad, but everyone’s gotta have a hobby. Sidore adores them as well, which only stands to reason.
Sometime in 2009, KnightHorse, makers of the luscious series of Synthetik companions known as Lovable Dolls, began expanding their product line with other items, such as Lovable Feet, which I’d mentioned in a previous instalment of ‘Any Doll-related news, Davecat?‘. KnightHorse posted a cluster of appealing preview photos on their official flickr page, to which Shi-chan made a few favourable comments. Matt Krivicke, head of KnightHorse, remembered me from when he was working at Abyss creations, when the crew from the Swedish telly programme ‘Outsiders’ had flown me out to Abyss’ studios for part of my segment. Viewers may recall a brief shot from that, where I was gleefully fondling a pair of Doll feet. From those instances, Matt K pretty much sussed that Shi-chan and I dig girlfeet, so in the interest of product testing (and because he’s just Cool People like that), he offered us a crack at being beta testers, specifically with a tall pair of their Lovable Feet. Technically speaking, they’re really for Shi-chan to play with, but she’s graciously allowed me the use of one of them for this review…

To give you a good contrast, I’ve rated them against the pair of Dollfeet that I’d purchased a few years ago, from a bloke that was working on a silicone Doll of his own. Unfortunately, I’ve no idea what became of him or his project. Normally I’d go with the obvious comparison of how the Lovable Feet stack up to my own wife’s pretty peds, but I don’t think that would be fair, as the Missus was built in 2000, and as we all know, structurally, RealDolls have changed quite a number of times since then. It’d be like comparing a well-maintained Sixties-era Vespa, to a Lambretta that just rolled out of the factory a month ago. They’re both lovely scooters, but it’s hardly as if you can ride them both at the same time!
Sorry, that analogy made no sense whatsoever. Just go ahead and pretend I didn’t write that.

Left: a homebrew pair of Dollfeet; right: Lovable Feet in Tall

First off, KnightHorse have two different types of Lovable Feet on offer: the short ones that stop (or is that start?) at the ankle, and the tall, which go all the way up to just below where a Doll’s knees would be. As More Leg obviously equals More Sexy Funtime, I chose a tall pair, in the Milk skintone. Also, since one of the disappointing aspects of the other pair of Dollfeet I have — from this point on, I’ll simply refer to them as OPDF — would be that they’re so short ankle-wise, I took the opportunity to go with a taller pair. The Lovable Feet measure roughly 15 inches from the top of the leg to the heel, and the foot is an accommodating US sz 8. They’re two sizes larger than Shi-chan’s own feet, which means I can’t swap out shoes, but that’s quite alright. Also, each Lovable Foot features a handy eyebolt atop the leg, for storage / hanging convenience, should you not choose to simply have them lying round, sexing up the joint.

Speaking of sexy, they do an incredible job on that front! Thanks to the ‘bone structure’ in the Lovable Feet naturally being the same ones found in KnightHorse’s popular Lovable Dolls, not only are the toes able to point like Organik feet, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover that they also rotate at the ankle. The calves feel firm and athletic, and have a lovely turn to them. And the feet themselves… well, they feel heavenly. From the springy flexibility of the toes, to the curve of the instep, to the gentle sturdiness of the heel, they’re a foot lover’s dream. The pigmentation is expertly done — the soles are a nice healthy pink, and the rest of the foot is a pale, creamy skintone. Massaging them feels great — the platinum silicone makes for smooth skin that feels realistic in one’s hands. Or one’s mouth, for that matter. You know.
Incidentally, as the toenails are press-on and take nailvarnish quite well, I should note that acetone-based nailvarnish remover can’t be used on them, otherwise you’ll end up with melted toenails. Which of course, would be the opposite of attractive! Regular dish liquid should do the business. And speaking further of those delicately-shaped toes, when you first get your own pair to enjoy, you might find that some of them are moulded together, but they’re easily cut apart with the careful use of an X-Acto blade.

However, as with all things, there’s a couple of areas where the Lovable Feet fall short, unfortunately. In comparing them to the OPDF, they lack footprints, for instance. You’re familiar with the whorls and swirls of fingerprints, right? So it goes with footprints, and that’s one of the qualities that really impressed me when I first started fondling inspected the OPDF, but sadly, the Lovable Feet lack that detail… hopefully it’ll be implemented in future models.
Errm, that’s it! That’s really the only fault I can honestly find with KnightHorse’s lovely Lovable Feet. Although an idea had crossed my mind: the bloke that made the OPDF was also working on a single animatronic foot. Same level of detail, but with the added bonus of servos inside that gave the user the ability to make the forefoot flex. I’d only seen a video of it in testing, and my eyes lit up like it was Christmas. If I recall correctly, it sold on eBay for a sum that was out of my price range at the time, which is why I don’t own it now. At any rate, I was thinking — how fantastic would it be to toss a couple of servos in a pair of Lovable Feet? That sort of experiment would be better suited to a Tall pair, as you could cram the wiring, batteries, and etc inside the calf. Eh? Eh?? Of course there might be some logistical problems somewhere along the line, but I’m the ideas man, not the engineer!
Apart from that, it’s safe to say that I give my wholehearted seal of approval!

So there you have it! KnightHorse’s Lovable Feet. Sexy in shoes, seductive in hosiery, sensuous without. Available in ten different skintones, priced $249 (plus shipping) for the Short pair, and $499 (plus shipping) for the Tall. If you didn’t have a foot fetish before, well, they’ll soon change that!

EDIT (22 Nov 2013): Don’t know why it took me so long to do this, but KnightHorse as a company no longer exist, as noted in this post. Thankfully, they’ve been retooled into a new company named Sinthetics, and they were kind enough to add the photos I’d taken of my Lovable Feet (well, the silicone ones they’d made for me, that is; my own feet are the opposite of lovable) to their Viewbook client galleries. You can peer at them here!

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