A shameful misuse of company funds

typed for your pleasure on 12 October 2007, at 1.08 am

Sdtrk: ‘Able bodied’ by Subliminal self

So I should be back online in the next couple of days! No, I’m serious; Comcast is sending one of their finest agents round to mine this Friday, in order to throw the enormous knife switch labelled ‘Inter Net’ into the On position. Which’ll be nice, as I’ve got some tidbits of negligible interest that I’ll nevertheless be writing about coming up soon.
In the meantime, lookit:


Looks like crap, tastes like shite. Such value!

Management actually went up and down the aisles a couple of nights ago at work and passed out cans of luminous intestinal bile Vault, in an effort to get us all whooped up to make more sales. No, I’m serious.

I have a question: who habitually drinks that swill? In my mind, I’m picturing people with lobotomy scars, dribbling rivulets of Vault down their hospital gown shirtfronts… and even they’re wincing at its extreme ‘citrus’ ‘taste’.

Hours later, I passed the can, which was only 2% empty, to our janitor. He probably naturally thought it was completely drained, as it slipped from his grasp and landed on the open end, dumping most of its lurid contents onto the carpet next to my cubicle. About a minute later, I couldn’t stop smelling Vault.

Clearly, management has it in for us

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Durannies -- they're everywhere on March 1st, 2006

more Real Life Work Stories on July 24th, 2006

8 have spoken to “A shameful misuse of company funds”

  1. SafeTinspector writes:

    Could be worse, could be “game fuel”.
    or, I suppose, caffeinated castor oil.

  2. Elle Chernobyl writes:

    I saw you profiled on the Guys and Dolls docu, was quite expecting to be disgusted by what I saw, but was really impressed with your genuine love for Sidore. I do not find it particularily sad you do not have what you call an organic girlfriend, and just dropped in to applaud you. As if you needed it, how vain am I? But, anyway, Enjoy the blog and just wanted to drop a note of random appreciation.

    P.S. : In relavence to you actual post, I agree that Vault sucks.

    Awfully.

  3. Miss Hyde writes:

    Woo! Yay for being back soon! But hay,free drinks? Think yourself lucky, at my work to keep up motivated we get free pens! And yesterday, i got an erasor! (yes i’m back at work, how i miss being on tour *sniffle*) and i’m not pick anymore! Woo! Hyde x

  4. Miss Hyde writes:

    i ment sick not pick, i need to learn to proof read! X

  5. Mahtek writes:

    I suppose vault sounds better than hurl. Or chunder.

    I can imagine some people from their target market choking this stuff down with their best poker face and telling the market researchers everything they want to hear.

    “Yes, it’s vile, but our target market loves it!” “Maybe it’s not vile, but EXTREME!” “That’s it! EUREKA!”

    Perhaps the food chemist who developed vomit favored Jelly Bellys decided to try their hand at energy drinks.

    Did it at least clean pennies?

  6. Davecat writes:

    Mahtek –
    I don’t think Vault (which, if you say it right, kinda sounds like you’re chundering. ‘VAUWLT!’) would clean a penny so much as dissolve a penny. Perhaps if they repackage it as a bonafide cleanser, they could shift twice as many units…
    Personally, I’m thinking the food chemist formerly worked as a paint chemist.

    Miss Hyde –
    Good to hear you’re no longer illin’! You’re a sturdy wee lass, to go on tour whilst stricken with flu. Well done! Did you remember to fulfil your rock ‘n’ roll ambitions and puke on someone? I hope your answer is Yes.

    SafeT
    Part of me still wants to try Mountain dew Game Fuel. I mean, I don’t mind regular Mountain dew, so it can’t be much worse than Vault, right?
    That’s probably rather like saying that having a thumb in the eye is no worse than having a finger in the eye.

    Elle Chernobyl –
    You’re not Elle, the French RealDoll, are you? I suppose not. Nevertheless!…
    Hey, any compliments are welcome, believe me! Shi-chan and I say Thank you very much for the support! Hopefully you’ll stay on as a regular reader of ‘Shouting etc etc’. Come for the Dolls, stay for the, ah, Dolls. 🙂

    And yeah, Vault is the sort of ‘drink’ that makes you want to throw your head back and loudly renounce god, much like Vlad Tepes did in ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’. That’s how bad it is. Ugh.

  7. Miss Hyde writes:

    no i didn’t puke on anyone, but by the sounds of that vault i would have after a shot of that! So no sick but lots of concussion! But ask shi-chan, women don’t suffer with flu as much, man flu that is! Hyde x

  8. Davecat writes:

    Odhinn knows I’ve tried to give the Missus my flu on many occasions, but she never takes it. Unbloodygrateful.

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