Tonight, on an alternate-universe ‘CSI’

typed for your pleasure on 8 September 2008, at 10.33 pm

Sdtrk: ‘William, it was really nothing’ by the Smiths

It had to happen eventually. Actually, this sort of thing’s happened before, but I can’t locate a link to a previous reported instance at the moment. So won’t you just facepalm along with me, and read this instead?

Japanese murder investigators fooled by life-sized sex doll
Justin McCurry in Tokyo | Tuesday September 02 2008 17:12 BST


Police in Japan have been left red-faced by an apparent murder that turned out to be an unusual case of mistaken identity.

It began in the morning with a frantic call from a couple who had spotted a “corpse” while out walking their dog in a mountain forest in Izu, central Japan, the ZakZak news website reported today.

Fifteen officers were dispatched to the scene, where they discovered a human form wrapped in plastic and tightly bound around the neck, midriff and ankles, with hair protruding from one end.

The body was left untouched and taken away for examination, and the crime scene duly secured by a police cordon.

Back at the local police headquarters, officials notified reporters who had turned up early the same morning to cover an annual earthquake drill. They began preparing to write up the launch of a major murder investigation.

Dozens of extra officers were dispatched to interview potential witnesses, while the evening edition of the local newspaper carried a report of the gruesome find, complete with a photograph of the body’s resting place.

By mid-afternoon, the body was in the hands of police pathologists. But when they sliced open the wrapping, they were confronted not by a decomposing corpse, but by a life-sized sex doll.


A police spokesman apologised for the commotion but defended his officers, saying they had simply been following protocol by leaving the concealed “body” untouched until it was in the hands of pathologists.

Though no crime had been committed, the spokesman could not resist admonishing the doll’s mystery owner. The doll, he told bemused reporters, showed signs of repeated use.

“Our guess is that the owner didn’t want to take a risk by throwing it away with the rest of his rubbish,” he said. “It was an incredibly irresponsible thing to do.”
photo source is here

Going by the detail and the skintone of her (very cute) feet, she kinda looks like either a RealDoll or a My Party Doll. Frankly, the pathologists should’ve consulted a professional.

The way I see it, this silly fuckwit had five options. He could’ve:
1. sold her (yes, there’s a market for that sort of thing)
2. given her a decent burial
3. run her round to Shimizu Kannon-do in Ueno park, where Orient industry consecrates Doll souls twice a year as a Buddhist memorial service
4. wrapped her up, flung her into the woods, waited for the subsequent CRAZY MEDIA EXPOSURE, and giggled for a week straight, or
5. sent her round to Ronald Dotson, as I hear he could use the company.
Can you guess which one our idiot friend went with?

Wow. Someone just won some bonus punches, as far as I’m concerned. Not out of spite or anger, mind you, but purely to teach him an abject lesson

EDIT (19 SEPT): A pleasant follow-up!

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

An alternate-universe ‘CSI’: supplemental on September 19th, 2008

So many models to choose from on June 11th, 2008

Leave a charming reply