Sordid graveyard of foodstuffs

typed for your pleasure on 25 July 2007, at 1.43 am

Sdtrk: ‘Chelsea’ by Hiem

Allow me to open with an anecdote: a couple of weeks ago, I saw a general practitioner for the first time in about four years. After seeing how tall I am (5’7″ — all these years you thought I was lying, Monti, but now I have proof) and weighing me (124 lbs), he chuckled and asked, ‘Have you always been skinny?’ ‘I think this would be the most I’ve ever weighed,’ I replied. True story!

If I had my way, my diet would be almost exactly like Andy Warhol’s: basically living on pills. On the other hand, I don’t want to die like Elvis: the autopsy found that his faeces was white (‘were white’?), due to the vast amount of prescription drugs he was gobbling. Alternatively, I’d subsist almost entirely on Japanese cuisine, as it’s both healthy and Magickally Delicious, but unfortunately, it’s also a bit pricey, and I can’t cook worth a damn. Eating is such a bloody hassle sometimes, but until the day when they develop entire meals in capsule form, it has to be done like everyone else…
Over the years, there have been a few remarkable items of food and drink that stand out due to their deliciousness. Unfortunately, we live in a society where uniqueness is undervalued. Come with me, then, as I show you my tribute to some of my favourite obsolete foods…

Dr pepper Red fusion

Anyone who knows me on any level past ‘acquaintance’ knows I’m almost never seen without a Dr pepper in one hand. The other hand’s usually grasping a Liston knife, but that’s irrelevant at the moment. When Dr pepper announced their ‘Red fusion’ variant back in 2002, I found it to not only be a satisfying beverage, but actually a couple of degrees better than regular Dr pepper. The main factor, I think, was that it wasn’t as ‘heavy’ as your bog-standard colas. Plus, I loved that name — ‘Red fusion’. It always puts me in mind of Red Impulse, that bloke from ‘Gatchaman’. No idea what exactly he did, as I didn’t watch the show (‘Battle of the Planets’ just barely counts) but I love that name. Perhaps he filed an ill-advised lawsuit over the name Red fusion and somehow won, which might explain why the drink no longer exists.

Mr Green

Modern tea merchants SoBe came up with a soft drink infused with guarana, ginseng, and some other pseudo-exotic crap, called Mr Green. True to form, the label sported an extreme lizard astride a bike doing a lip trick off a giant human skull into a burning vagina. Ahh, marketing. Despite its 18 – 25 year old kerb squirrel demographic, it was a fine beverage. It was kind of a tarnished copper colour, which appeared darker in its bottle of dark green plastic, and it had kind of a spicy taste to it. Very unique, which is of course the precise reason why it didn’t last too long…

Before Frappucinos walked the earth, there was a bottled iced cappucino drink — which was unheard of in the States way back in the heady days of the late Nineties — called Cappio. The adverts featured a lean beatnik lass on a scooter, animated in a rather Fiftiesy style; plus, the beverage was like 60% cream, 60% sugar, and 20% coffee, all poured into a slim and sexy bottle, so of course I was hooked.
Oddly enough, I don’t drink Frappucinos… I just never got round to it. To be honest, I’m more inclined to knock back a stout can of UCC Canned coffee. Lovely stuff. Granted, unlike Frappuccino, it’s not sold everywhere, but at least I know where I stand with UCC…

Pepsi free

I have fond memories of drinking this back in the early Eighties. Well, I have memories. But I do recall really enjoying Pepsi free, for some bizarre reason. The thing that’s especially ironic about this, though, is that I loathe regular Pepsi — I would rather drink fermented tramp’s piss than have a Pepsi*. Honestly, I can’t imagine buying it these days, as the ‘Free’ meant it was caffeine free. That’s like drinking non-alcoholic beer; what’s the bloody point?

Frosted Rice chex Juniors
Monti and I were addicted to these during their brief run in the mid-Nineties. Picture, if you will, squares of Rice chex, half the size of regular Chex, that were literally encrusted with sugary frosting. We’d eat them dry right out of the box, and we’d temporarily aquire the ability of seeing through Time itself. We witnessed the Lincoln assassination! It was pretty wild.
I’m inclined to believe that parents and guardians probably lobbied to get that cereal pulled off the shelves, after seeing so many of their children covering their walls one postage stamp at a time, or running up the length of a twelve-storey building, or listening to rave music, or simply vibrating and frothing at the mouth. It had a brief run, but a good run.

Mountain dew MDX

Yes, another extreme soda; I’m sure you’ve sussed that the ‘X’ stands for ‘extreme’. Despite that silliness, MDX was rather ace for two reasons:
1) it was in my favourite shade of green. To be honest, it looked radioactive, and
2) it was an energy drink that didn’t taste like dog’s milk. Apart from MDX, I’ve never been able to find an energy drink that didn’t make me wish I was dead two sips in.
My brief affair with MDX came to a rapid halt, as just after I began drinking it, I came down with a serious bout of acid reflux, and I blamed the drink’s strange and curious ingredients. By the time my illness subsided, I decided to give the soda one more go to see if it really was to blame, but by that time, it was no longer being sold. C’est la vie…

Mint 3 Musketeers

Might as well add them to the list, as I’m fairly certain they’ll be yanked unceremoniously off the market in six months’ time. Imagine, if you will, a 3 Musketeers bar scientifically crossbred with a York Peppermint Patty. Instead of one slab-of-nougat-coated-in-milk-chocolate, you get two half-sized bars in a slightly smaller wrapper, with each bar covered in dark chocolate and filled with mint… nougat? I’ve no idea what it is, but it’s truly dericious. I really should see about bulk prices, so I can stock up now before the Mint 3 Muskepocalypse inevitably occurs…

So there you have it! I think I missed a couple — I was racking my brains trying to think of this one brand of potato chip that I used to love, and came up trumps — but you get the idea.
It’s shameful, though. We live in a world where Mr Green is off the market, but you can find that atrocity known as the Mallo cup everywhere? It makes no sense

*N.B. an exaggeration. Please do not offer me a pint jar of tramp’s piss

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Garfield, as written by Samuel Beckett on August 6th, 2006

Oh, (the) humanity on August 26th, 2005

8 have spoken to “Sordid graveyard of foodstuffs”

  1. Miss Hyde writes:

    SO roughly translated into english thats… Dr pepper, pepsi, frosties, red bull and milky ways. Thats basically the closest you can get to any of that stuff over here. But I do hate american candy or whaterer english chocolate and sweets have about 10x more sugar then you get over the pond. So in short… GOD SAVE ENGLAND! 🙂

  2. Davecat writes:

    More like, God save Scotland, cos their inhabitants are dying of cardiac arrests due to excessive ingestion of deep-fried Mars bars. I… I just don’t know what to think of that concept.

    I dunno, I loves me some sugar, but as of late, I’ve been more particular towards dark chocolate than milk chocolate — the slight bitterness raises it above standard-issue chocolate, and since it’s not so common, its distinctiveness is a pleasant change.

    I’d send you some 3 Musketeers, but they’d melt in the post…

  3. Miss Hyde writes:

    Deep-fryed mars bars. . . so tempted once but the smell made me ill.

    Dark chocolate is everywhere here mor so then white which I am having a fling with right now!

    Ha! good luck with that! The postal servase is on strike oevr here every other day *dies*

  4. SafeTinspector writes:

    Ah… and so many Dr Pepper clones are about. Remember “Doctor Thunder”, the Sam Walton variant on the theme? Mmmm….

    You know, my favorite is the Canadian candy bar called Coffee Crisp. crap, now I wish to ingest.

    And, unlike you, I am 5’11” and weigh a full 206lbs. I should avoid the like.

  5. Davecat writes:

    My two favourite alternate universe Drs pepper would be Mr Pibb, and Dr. K, which was the variant sold at Kroger. When I lived in the godforsaken charter township of Clinton with my roomie Steve, I actually preferred Dr. K, as it was sweeter, and the two-litre bottles were ridiculously inexpensive. Plus, the name Dr. K reminded me of Jack Kevorkian.

    Next time I see some Coffee crisp bars, I’ll make a note where I saw them — I could swear that I’ve seen them a few places in the tri-county area…

  6. barstowmama writes:

    I just wanted to say a big “Hello!” to my favorite couple and to say thanks for the link. Hope all is well and I also am a HUGE Dr. Pepper fan! There’s nothing in the world tastier to me than a large Dr. Pepper with extra crushed ice on a hot summers day. Yum!

    Do you remember those candy bars called “Buns”? It may be before your time. Sort of a large round crispy thingy with chocolate coating. Haven’t seen one of those in years. I just saw “Bazooka” bubblegum recently and almost fainted. It was my favorite.

  7. Davecat writes:

    Hey barstowmama –
    Dr pepper is truly the Nectar of the Gods. In fact, I’m drinking some right now! Well, actually not right now, but I had some like an hour ago. But that still counts.

    I do recall Bun! In fact, I saw some of the maple variety the other day at a service station. Reminds me of a comic I read a couple of years ago, and it was going on about the types of nutty conversations you engage in with your driving partner when you’re on a road trip; one of the characters asked ‘What’s the ugliest candy you can think of?’, and the other replied ‘Uh… Maple Bun?’ That says it all, doesn’t it?

    And you can still find Bazooka in a lot of places in Michigan! It’s certainly a robust bubblegum.

    Shi-chan says ‘Hi there!’, by the way. 😉

  8. barstowmama writes:

    I’m originally from Chicago IL, and I remember candy stores being on every corner and Bazooka or Bubs Daddy (in various flavors)were the bubblegum of choice. Anything other than Bazooka original flavor was considered sacreligious. Here’s something outrageous…we used to buy BIG dill pickles and put candycanes or peanutbutter in the center! YUCK!!! I’m sooo glad I grew up and for the most part so did my taste buds. Now my addiction is Dr. Pepper (Mr. Pibb comes in a close second) or rootbeer over crushed ice. Brilliant!

    Hi Shi-chan! Wanted you to know that that new 18 hour lipstick is pretty good for its staying power. Pretty decent colors too. You can eat and drink and it doesn’t smudge. Very important. Maybelline or Covergirl are the cheapest. Just between us girls!

Leave a charming reply