Jeeves, fetch me my rocket launcher

typed for your pleasure on 20 August 2005, at 5.44 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Hoffmann’ by Asja auf Capri

At this very moment in writing, it’s raining outside, which is a fact that pleases me to no end. I mean, I normally prefer the skies to be cloudy and grey, but the fact that it’s doing it right now today is making me giggle like a schoolgirl. Why, you ask? This would be the week-end of the non-event known to people in the Southeastern Michigan area as the Woodward Dream Cruise.

The Woodward Dream cruise, if you’re lucky enough to not be familiar with it, is basically an excuse for all the gearheads and nostalgia freaks in the state (as well as a couple from neighbouring states) to cruise up and down Woodward, which is the main drag of the Tri-county area, as well as the dividing line between the west side and the east side. It’s ostensibly a sad reenactment of the ‘good ol’ days’ of the Fifties and Sixties, when Detroit had both a functioning auto industry and places worth visiting, and young people would drive aimlessly up and down Woodward in their oversized automobiles. Now, once a year for the past.. however many years.. all those individuals who grew up during those years that have reconditioned ‘classic’ cars spend an entire week-end, driving aimlessly up and down Woodward, slowing traffic down, and being a general nuisance.

On the one hand, people who support the Dream cruise say that not only is it fun, but it brings business to the shops in the area, the area being from 8 mile, to several miles north to Birmingham. It’s a chance to get that ’57 Chevy convertible that you’ve been wiping with a cloth diaper once a week for twelve months out of the garage and back onto the road where it belongs, and hang out with other like-minded car enthusaists, and their accompanying beer bellies. On the other hand, it’s a fucking annoyance, especially to those who live around Woodward, or use it habitually. You’ve got very loud, large, and ugly cars taking up three out of four lanes, and driving at an average speed of 20 – 25 mph. Quite a few business owners hate the Dream cruise cos it prevents customers from patronising their stores, cos people want to do what they can to avoid the traffic slowdown, and if it means not going anywhere near Woodward, then so be it. My friend Jeff and his wife regularly either leave town that week-end, or spend the majority of Saturday in cities that are far away from the cruise.

Now, not only do you have to deal with the hundreds of gobshites with their aircraft carriers on wheels, but then there’s the crowds of lookie-loos that line Woodward, in order to gawk at the cars. That aspect gets so ridiculous, that people set up lawn chairs a couple of days in advance. It’s fantastic to see these people have no other excitement or meaning in their lives, except to sit on the side of a fucking major thoroughfare for the purpose of watching loud cars and their equally loud owners, days before the actual event is underway.
I’d also like to take a moment to mention that right now in Michigan, a single gallon of regular gas is almost $2.80. Can you see why the Dream cruise makes less sense with each passing sentence?

It can be argued that I’m a wee bit biased. For one, I don’t really like American cars, as you may have gathered, especially ones built during the Fifties and Sixties, as I find them to be too noisy, and graceless in design. Plus I live about a mile away from Woodward — although I reside just south of the ‘starting point’ of the Dream cruise, I still have to fight my way through traffic if I want to go anywhere this eve. However, I hope to be attending the Battle of the Brits auto show this September. The main differences between that and the Dream cruise are that 1) the vehicles are better (‘British Made by British Labour’) and 2) the cars are not obstructing traffic on the goddamned road. The BotB takes place at an open-air park, where all the cars and motorcycles are parked on the lawn, and people walk amongst them and whatnot. Rather nice!

Right now, the rain has stopped. But it rained earlier this morn and stopped, so I’m hoping that it fires up again, and pisses all over the Dream cruise parade. Sorry, convertible owners! You’re probably gonna need more diapers

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

But bigger is better! BIGGER IS BETTER!! on June 21st, 2005

National Winter Hibernation NOW! / Overdue culling on January 18th, 2009

6 have spoken to “Jeeves, fetch me my rocket launcher”

  1. SafeTinspector writes:

    I’ve read enough British literature to know that, with a few remarkable exceptions, they have more than their share of reliability issues with their quirky cars. But they had the Mini! And that forgives a hell of a lot.
    We had the Corvair, but that same guy that scuttled the 2000 election killed that poor blighter off…more reasons to hate Nader!

    I can’t see the attraction of the “dream cruise” myself. I never understood “cruising” as a phenomenon anyway. Gratiot was the cruise strip when I was in highschool, and there was not one redeeming quality about friday or saturday cruising. Not even one!

    I own a land barge myself, but I drive it to parks with my family for pleasure, with the top down so I can smell the fresh air and hear the birds. (motor is very quiet) I think I’d either die of boredom or of carbon monoxide poisoning in one of these stupid cruises.

  2. Davecat writes:

    Yeah, I’ve heard that British-made vehicles sometimes have construction issues, but sometimes I prefer style over substance. My ideal car would combine a contemporary Japanese- or German-built chassis, with retro interior and exterior styling made in Engerland…

    Back a few years ago when I lived in Clinton township *shudders*, I bore witness to the Gratiot Cruise one year (not through choice — I was trying to go home). It was an oily convergence of the whitest trash imaginable in the Tri-county area.
    Good ol’ Macomb county, still trying to crawl out of that third-world status. And failing.

    ‘I think I’d either die of boredom or of carbon monoxide poisoning in one of these stupid cruises.’
    If that actually happened more often to people on the cruises, I’d chuckle audibly!

  3. KrazyQ writes:

    Missing the Dream Cruise, I am not.

    To quote a gas station owner “With thousands of cars passing my station during the weekend, I actually LOSE money due to poor sales because nobody can get in or out of my station because all the spectators blocking the driveway.” -Shell Station Owner, 2004

  4. es writes:

    cars, trucks, et cetera belong in museums with little test tracks on the roof… or virtual models better yet…

    “you make a better sculpture than an opportunity”… ?!

    i’m tired of living to have a car to have a car to have a car to spread chaos/pollution…

    the nightmare-curse-of a-road-that-no-longer-leads-to-any-woods-but- rather-only-more-pavement epitomizes all the psycho-sickness of this shoulda’been/should-be phase…

    mass-transit dammit! :]


  5. Davecat writes:

    es –
    Cars on the roof.. hmm. Kinda like the Fiat factory in Lingotto. That would be pretty hep..
    And yeah, us being in Michigan ensures that we will never have a decent mass-transit system. Otherwise, we can’t call it the Motor City anymore! 😛

    I’m surprised that more business owners don’t just close up for the day. They’d lose money, but not as much as they would having the shop open, and incurring operating costs when no-one’s coming in to buy anything.

  6. es writes:

    hey, the big 3 are threatening to leave anyhow, let freakin’ ocp and icp both go get gone… :]

Leave a charming reply