Heaux heaux heaux

typed for your pleasure on 24 December 2005, at 9.31 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Calloway’ by the High Llamas

After being out and about amongst the crowds a couple of days ago and being innundated with horrible music and shopping drones on search-and-purchase-and-destroy missions, I have concluded that the only Christmas music worth listening to is the soundtrack to ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ by Vince Guaraldi; in particular, the song ‘Christmas time is here’. This is known as an irrefutable statement.

At this point, I’d also like to bring a riot of a post to your attention. Nicked from Penda’s Diner, who in turn obtained it from, err, someplace else. It’s a Festival of Theft Borrowing!

What is this Empire Coming to?

As soon as I find a link – I’ll post it.

What’s this empire coming to? Now they want us to stop greeting people with “Io Saturnalia!” “We have all these different cultures in Rome,” they tell us. “We shouldn’t offend anyone,” they tell us, “We’ve got to be inclusive.”

We’ve got the barbarians from the north with their tree decorations and their fire rituals. And the weirdos from Gaul, cutting mistletoe with a golden sickle. And the Mithraists, the Zoroastrians, the Isis cults, and, of course, those characters who hang out in the catacombs. “Hail, Winter!” we’re supposed to say. I ask you, what next: we lose the feast? We stop the Solstice parties? No more honoring Ops, goddess of abundance?

I was buying some greenery down by the Forum the other day, and there’s old Macrobius with some Visigoth chick, and she goes, “Gut Jule.” And I go, “Hey! In this country, we say, “Io, Saturnalia! Maybe you should go back to where you came from.” Then Macrobius goes, “She can’t, she’s a slave.”


At this time of year, the Visigoths sacrifice a pig and burn a special log that they dance around, instead of acting like normal people and going to the temple of Saturn.

I swear, I was at this party over at Septima Commodia’s house the other day. She always has a Saturnalia party. Anyway, she decorated the place with prickly green leaves. “It’s holly,” she said, “The latest fashion from Brittania. They all do it in Londinium.”

It gets worse.

She had this statue of some goddess from Ultima Thule or somewhere, name of Frigga, sitting right there on the dining room mensa. I mean, this is darned near blasphemous. I’d be scared about what the lares and penates would do if I put that thing in my house. But Septima Commodia just said, “Oh get over it! We’re cosmopolitan around here.” Cosmopolitan. That’s what they call it. Well by Jupiter, I live in Latium. I’m a Roman. And this empire was founded on the principle that the gods, our gods, must be honored at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. None of this foreign heretical nonsense or these strange customs from Germania or Hibernia or Palestine. I say, “Io, Saturnalia!” and if you don’t like it, you can leave.

Finally, a non-sequitur excerpt from a conversation I had with Derek whilst out at a Burger King recently:
DAVECAT: ‘What the.. They’ve brought back Furby??’
DEREK: ‘Furby never went away.’

So let that be a lesson to you! Happy hols, everyone

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Set Active Desktop controls for the heart of the sun on November 19th, 2004

Saturdaysunday on January 23rd, 2006

4 have spoken to “Heaux heaux heaux”

  1. Jeff "Redneck" Lilly writes:

    Hey there, whot the hail is all that them there purty Frenchy talk up there yonder? “Hyooks hyooks hyooks”?! What the HAIL is that? You tryin’ ta declare war on Christmas ‘er sumthin’?

  2. SafeTinspector writes:

    Daily show had a bit about Bill O’Reilly(sp)
    Bill says, “I don’t think secular people should be offended by ‘Merry Christmas’, its just words!”
    They break away to Jon Stewart who says,
    “You know, Bill, you’re right. No one should be offended by two words. I hate to admit it, but you’re a reasonable man. Kudos!”
    they then went back to the Bill O’Reilly who was being asked
    “then Christians aren’t offended by ‘happy holidays’, right?”
    “Yes, they are! Absolutely! Very offended!”

    Such is the mindset of these people with their unexamined lives and heads in need of examination.
    Open the mouth and let the shit flow!

    BTW:I loved that stolen, I mean borrowed, post.

    Oh, and I dig the non-sequitur. But you already knew that.

  3. KrazyQ writes:

    Just words! Just Words!

    Are we talking about words that are somehow judicious or righteous?

    Or are we talking about “just” meaning “plainly”.

    Furby Never Left Us, he is the messiah and profit to His Noodley Appendage.

    Yes, I meant to use “Profit”.

  4. Davecat writes:

    O, that nutty Bill O’Reilly. It’s as if every day since his birth, someone had taken him and shaken him violently for no less than an hour each and every day, for at least two decades. That’s the only reason I can come up with for his addled thinking.
    Shaken like an unwanted infant, or perhaps a baby goat.

    T-money –
    Knowing how much right-wingers want to infuse christian symbolism into everything, I’d say the former. But both pretty much apply. They’re crazy like that, y’know.

    And to the bloke at the top of the comments: my English-to-Inbred translator is broken! Please type your comment again in a proper language. 😉

Leave a charming reply