(expletives deleted)

typed for your pleasure on 29 July 2005, at 4.09 am

Sdtrk: ‘The Black Angel’s death song’ by the Velvet underground

Well! I was going to announce two pretty ace pieces of news on Thursday, but as it turned out, things just didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. For one, I had high hopes that I would have a job today. I’d signed out with a temporary agency on Tuesday, and went in for a battery of tests that I did pretty well on. My agent told me that a local branch of the Muscular Dystrophy Association was hiring, and that they needed people with good phone voices, which is something I’m thankfully equipped with. So I was rather confident when I went in for the group interview this Thursday morn, despite being wedged in a small office with nine other people; the one directly to my left smelling rather like a toilet. Over the course of the debriefing process, Pam, the office manager, handed us each a copy of the script that we were supposed to recite, and she would be playing the Person On The Other End of the Line. Going first, I was fairly spot-on with my reading, and managed to get a couple of rebuttals in when Pam presented them. The debriefing was over in about an hour, and Pam told us that she would be calling our temp agencies, after which she would call the people back who MDA would be hiring. Guess who didn’t get a callback? I spoke with my temp agent, and she said that Pam said that I was very articulate, but I, quote, ‘wasn’t aggressive enough’. Ah. I see.
Perhaps I should’ve screamed the script at the top of my lungs while bashing Pam’s face in with the metal stapler I spotted on the desk next to me, and for the coup-de-grâce, I would hurl her headlong through the nearest closed window into oncoming traffic, my MDA script howlings ringing in her bleeding ears. THEN I WOULD BE INSTANT MANAGEMENT MATERIAL.

As far as I see it, the reason why I’m so inefficient with sales and all things of a persuasive nature, is that ultimately, I don’t care if you accept or reject what I have to ‘sell’. Due to years and years of having my father force me into doing things I was never keen on, I decided that since I try to treat others they way I’d wish to be treated, the last thing I want to become is some salescock leering an inch and a half from someone’s face, whether on the phone or in person, shouting ‘HEY! HEY! HEY! WON’T YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I’M TELLING YOU? HEY! I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER! I KNOW THIS ISN’T A GOOD TIME, BUT HANG ON FOR JUST A COUPLE OF MINUTES! HEY! HEY! OH, YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED? WELL, LET ME JUST TAKE MORE OF YOUR VALUABLE LIFE AWAY FROM YOU AND KEEP TALKING AT YOU, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU’RE NOT BOTHERED! HEY! HEY!’ etc. Cos I have no tolerance for that kind of behaviour, and I’d be a hypocrite if I were to act like that. However, the job did pay $12 per hour..
So my agent said to ring her back next week. I told her that I’d be better off in data entry, or any phone-related work that didn’t require me to sell anything. We’ll see how that goes, if it indeed does go.

And the other piece of shit luck is that I was outbid on a Stylophone. I’m less upset about that, as surprisingly, you can still find plenty of Stylophones in relatively good / not-too-expensive condition on the Bay of e, as Pulp is still on their extended hiatus, and hardly anyone remembers Rolf Harris anymore. Once I’m ‘gainfully’ employed, though, I’m feckin’ getting one, by hook or by crook.. In the meantime, I’ll have to do with a virtual version. But it’s just not the same..

Switching gears momentarily: Marika and I caught ‘Charlie and the chocolate factory’ Monday eve, which we both dug. Sure, Gene Wilder’s Wonka had more of an overt sinister menace, whereas Depp’s Wonka seemed like a deranged individual with a serious case of arrested development. Which worked for me, especially when you see the Burton-added bits with Wonka’s father. I don’t know, I was giggling throughout most of the fillum. There was a bit of a sense of this version not really bringing anything new to the table, but it was Tim Burton, so we were happy. Don’t know if I’d buy the DVD, but we enjoyed the fillum with great pleasure. When’s ‘Corpse bride‘ making its debut again?

So yeah! This is why I don’t announce most of my plans to people until they’re finalised and done-with, cos if and when they end up going agley, I don’t end up looking like a gobshite. Heh. Too late for that

6 have spoken to “(expletives deleted)”

  1. PBShelley writes:

    Hello dere!

    Why yes, I remember Rolf Harris! In fact, Lily’s dearest, Kate Bush, does as well, for on her magnificent 1982 masterpiece “The Dreaming” Rolf plays digerido on the title track, which COINCIDENTALLY I’ve incorporated into Lily’s novel along with “Night of the Swallow” 🙂

    “BANG! Goes another Kanga on the bonnet of the van”
    Mmh, yes… 🙂

    Since you got such terrible news (you bettah off, IMHO) give yourself and the Missus a treat! You want therapeutic music? Since you have “The Dreaming” out already, try “Get Out of My House” right now. You need it, man, really! Follow with “Leave It Open”.

    The last indistiguishable fade-out words actually say: “We let the weirdness in…we let the weirdness in…” over and over and over…

    Can’t wait to see “Charlie”, good review!

    Cheers and beers,
    PBS & Lily the Swallow
    “But you’re not a swallow…”

  2. SafeTinspector writes:

    “I should’ve screamed the script at the top of my lungs while bashing Pam’s face in with the stapler I spotted on the desk next to me, and for the coup-de-grâce, I would hurl her headlong through the nearest closed window into oncoming traffic, my MDA script howlings ringing in her bleeding ears. THEN I WOULD BE INSTANT MANAGEMENT MATERIAL.”
    Yeah, NOW you got it! Take that attitude with you into your next interview and you’ll do just fine.

    “I try to treat others they way I’d wish to be treated…”
    How very Christian of you!

  3. Davecat writes:

    PBS –
    It’s Rolf Harris’ world, we just live in it. 🙂
    Yeah, it’s bollocked about that job, as $12 p/h would be very nice right now, but I’m told I should remain positive. Heh, I’m sure my temp agency can find me another *coughsoul-stealingcough* job in short order!..

    SafeT
    Well, there’s nothing christian about that; that’s universal. Ultimately I just want to be left alone! If less people meddled in others’ lives, we’d all be better off!

  4. Patrick writes:

    Not aggressive enough for the Muscular Dystrophy Association? What did they want you to do??

    “Listen, if you don’t give us $$, people are gonna FUCKING DIE! You want that, cheap-o? While you sit in your nice house, some guy’s muscles are turning to mush? You like that, huh? You like that, sicko?”

  5. SafeTinspector writes:

    Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
    And what I would have them do to me is spank me hard.
    Also, leave me alone. .. … After spanking me, that is.
    For some reason, the golden rule can result in a sexual harrassment suit.
    Who would Jesus sue?

  6. Davecat writes:

    Wow, Patrick, I dunno.. if your culinary career doesn’t pan out the way you’d intended, I think you’d be really quite good at fundraising. 😉

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