I am not making this up, vol.1

typed for your pleasure on 21 July 2004, at 7.50 am

Remember, I’m merely reporting the things that I had seen, heard, witnessed, or was told by a certain ex-roommate. It could be reasonably argued that she was a pathological liar.. err, fanciful storyteller, ov Munchausean proportions.
*deep breath* Right, here we go..

Round mid-2002, when I was living at the spectacular No.23 Deafening silence, Tomas, my friend ov several years who was living in No.9 in the same apartment building, introduced me to She Who Must Not Be Named (or ‘the Slag’ for short); they knew each other due to the fact that Tomas went to highschool with her boyfriend, hereafter to be known as Capt.Dipshit. At the time, she was usually employed as a stripper — sorry, exotic dancer — and Tomas had mentioned to her that I had a goth RealDoll. Since the Slag was a goth herself (well, to be honest, a Mansonite), she was intrigued by the concept, and wanted to meet me & Shi-chan.

After the initial meeting, which went rather well, we played phone tag & fired the occasional Email at each other, and then kinda lost contact for a bit. Then in early 2003, I discovered she got a job working at NOIR Leather, our local tri-county area fetish emporium, so I’d pick her up from work periodically. We’d hang out for a few hours at No.23, then I’d have to deliver her back home (she had no vehicle ov her own, y’see, and Cpt.Dipshit worked dodgy hours). Round this point, she was growing tired ov being involved with the Captain, as she claimed that every chance he’d get, he’d berate her for something or other. He’s an ex-Marine, and bipolar, she explained. So I would persuade her to spend the occasional night round at mine; we would sleep together, but we never had it off. In retrospect, that was probably for the best.


SWMNBN was 23 years old at the time I met her, and a Gemini. She had a mum who was a teacher living in Ferndale, and she claimed her father left them at an early age. (I never saw any evidence ov the man, so this could be true). The Slag claimed that she was 50% German-American on her mother’s side, and 50% Native American on her father’s side. She had also, on several instances, stated that her great-grandfather worked in a concentration camp during WWII, and had smuggled one ov the famous ‘lamps with shades made from Jew flesh’ when he came to live in the States. The Slag, who claims to be ‘sensitive’ to spirits & apparitions, stated that when she had seen the lamp, that she knew it was the genuine article, due to the bad vibes she got from it.

She claims that at an early age, her mother used to enter her into those creepy JonBenet-style beauty pageants. Shortly after, she claims to have been partially brought up by a strict Victorian grandmother, as she was made to wear corsets at an early age, the results ov which were a buggered-up ribcage. On one ov her birthdays (sorry, can’t remember which one; I’d say sometime between her twelfth & fifteenth one), she was told by her mother that she had a big surprise waiting for her. The surprise was a stay in Havenwyck, a mental institution, for several years. The Slag claims that her mum didn’t know how to handle such a rambunctious child, and was having problems dealing with her husband running away, that she decided the best thing for all concerned was to institutionalise her daughter. It was there that The Slag met fellow Mansonite & problem child Twiggy (cos The Slag was nicknamed ‘Manson’ whilst in Havenwyck, y’see). Several years pass, and instead ov being released for good behaviour, The Slag decides to break out ov the institution, with the help ov a lass she knew on the inside, and this lass’ brother. Some misadventures involving the brother driving all three ov them off in a stolen car, and subsequently being captured later, The Slag was back in stir. Later, she claims, she & the Captain cross paths (forgot how that was developed or explained), and after filing several stacks ov papers, she’s released under his custody, where they stay with his father. She & the Captain weren’t in love to start out with, but eventually they fell in love, and got an apartment together.

For brevity’s sake, I’ll leave out the bits in between then & now, as they’re pretty inconsequential. In brief, she lived with the Captain for a while, got into a row with him, moved out, and ended up being back with him again. Over the two & a half years that I knew her, she will have tried to leave the Captain four times.


Please address all questions towards the Comments link, as over the course ov these installments, I’ll undoubtedly leave some detail or other out, due to those parts ov my memory being mostly locked away for sanity’s sake.

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

Not exactly a 'People Person' on February 5th, 2006

Off my chest, onto your monitor on October 18th, 2005

2 have spoken to “I am not making this up, vol.1”

  1. Zip Gun writes:

    I can already tell that this series of tales will become Legend…

  2. SafeTinspector writes:

    Hey! I’m a Gemini!

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