Carry on Phoning / Like bladder, like brain

typed for your pleasure on 16 July 2007, at 8.06 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Mass riff’ by Stereolab

Finally: a name worthy of a Benny Hill character.

*chortle chortle*
She didn’t pick up. Which was disappointing, as I’d really wanted to reply to any and all statements she made with a saucy ‘Ooh matron!’
And another heartwarming scene from my workplace…

ME: Hi, I’m Dave [horrid last name], calling from [Blazing Shithole Industries]. How are ya this afternoon?
AGEING TOSSER: I just got back from the doctor.
ME: Heh, is that Good or Bad?
AGEING TOSSER: Good and bad.
ME: A little bit of both, eh?
AGEING TOSSER: I have to go change my clothes; I just peed my pants.
ME: Aaah… *hangs up quickly*

Brilliant. Yet another reason to not get old

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Eight is enough

typed for your pleasure on 14 July 2007, at 1.13 am

Sdtrk: ‘Nightclubbing’ by Iggy Pop

Did everyone have a satisfying Friday the 13th? Good! Mine was spent at work, praying for a swift death that I knew would never arrive, so unfortunately it was a day pretty much like any other. But you lot get a meme, as it’s been a while!
(nicked from Monti’s little black duck)

First, the rules.
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged must make a post about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them each a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

FAC 01 More often than not, I chew my lips, as in biting the uppermost layer of skin off. I’m sure it’s bad for you, but then, what isn’t? I’ve tried numerous times to stop it, but y’know, I’m just too goddamned delicious

FAC 02 I can trace the exact point that my handwriting started becoming indecipherable; it was the day I bought my first computer. From then on, I’ve never looked back

FAC 03 I was the best man at two different best friends’ weddings: Patrick‘s in Ohio, and Sean’s in some godforsaken place in Michigan. Incidentally, they both owe me photos

FAC 04 I didn’t really learn how to drive until a year or so after taking my drivers ed course (at the long-since-demolished Sears in Highland park, if you must know). This was due to the fact that we trained using an automatic, but my parents’ vehicles were both manuals. The most memorable event during my course, however — this is gonna sound like a ‘back in my day’ kind of thing — was driving during a rainy Winter night in downtown (‘One way streets are the Wave of the Future’) Detroit. That was certainly a trial by fire, after a fashion

FAC 05 Much like Monti, I’m shite when it comes to responding to Emails in a timely manner. The same can be said when it comes to returning phone calls; my average turnaround time ranges from three days to two weeks. As far as phone calls, the reason why is I’m watching my peak minutes like a hawk, and as regards written correspondence, it’s because I’ve never been the sort of bloke whose standard Emails run like ‘hihow’sitgoin’greatnotuptomuchokaycatchyalater’ — my missives usually tend to run long, as sometimes I’m too verbose for my own good. Plus, I procrastinate far more than I should

FAC 06 My dress sense, much like Voltron, is a combination based on several members of some of my favourite music groups:
+ Fringe-based hairstyle — Phil Oakey of the Human League
+ Necklaces, bracelets and wrist belts — Marc Almond of Soft cell
+ Button-down dress shirts — Joy division / Laibach
+ Neckties — Joy division / Laibach
+ Slightly oversized cardigans — Morrissey / Robert Smith of the Cure
+ Cargo trousers — Throbbing gristle
+ German tank driver boots — Laibach
+ Leather jacket — Peter Hook of New order / pretty much any Industrial group from the Eighties
+ Shades, strapped to my face forever — The velvet underground

FAC 07 I’ve been told by several (okay, three) sources that I have no arse.
I… can’t really argue with that assessment

FAC 08 Ask me about my loud and annoying dolphin impersonation!

It was tough coming up with things I hadn’t already covered on my ‘85 things‘ page! I mean, honestly, if you’ve been attentive over the past three years, what don’t you know about me?
Also, if you wish to be tagged, leave a comment in the appropriate space, as people seem to inexplicably hate these things

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typed for your pleasure on 9 July 2007, at 12.00 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Loomer’ by My bloody valentine

So I’ve got a portable hard drive — I’ve got a couple, actually, but the one I was rooting through in this instance is specifically for various and sundry non-Synthetik pics extracted from the Interonet — and I’d run across this pic here, for the first time in months:

It’s an oekaki that someone drew of an actual building in Japan. I’ve seen photos of it before in books, but unfortunately, I’ve no idea what it’s called. Cos obviously, I’m looking at that and saying to myself, ‘man, that’d make a fine entry for the “This was the Future” series’.
So if anyone happens to know what this building is called, or anything about it, please leave a comment, or drop me a line at pulsedemon [at] gmail [dot] com, and you’ll definitely be credited. Your help is appreciated!

この建物が示されるものをだれでも知っているか。 だれでも私に告げることができたら pulsedemon [at] gmail [dot] com に電子メールを送りなさい。 あなたの助けは認められる!

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And when I woke up, my pillow was gone!

typed for your pleasure on 8 July 2007, at 2.17 am

Sdtrk: ‘Half day closing’ by Portishead

Thankfully, I had the rare presence of mind to get my arse out of bed last night/early this morning and type out the dream I’d had! I present it here, for your edification, dissection, and analysis…

+ + + + + + + + + + + + +

Jeff (aka Zip Gun), Sidore and I are freelance Angel* exterminators. We’re on call in an ivy-covered Roman-styled courtyard, hunting down one that looks a bit like Shamshel. Although the sky is a dark orange lined with purple clouds, it’s been drizzling steadily. The third ‘member’ of our group, a human-sized version of JA’ (pronounced Jet Alone Prime**), has managed to corner our quarry, and I’m firing at the Angel from behind a wrecked car. My weapon is some sort of linear rifle that looks more like a tactical shotgun. The thing about it is that its laser sight, instead of creating a tiny red dot, it paints a 4 inch wide orange smudge on the target that resembles a crayon scribble. One would suppose it’s not a stealth weapon, then…
So I’m pumping shot after shot into it, but I can’t seem to penetrate its AT field. I order JA’ to keep it at bay while I return, and I run off to get Shi-chan. She’s sporting waist-length black hair, and is dressed like a miko***. She’s at the far end of the courtyard; as I’m running towards her, I’m yelling ‘Shi-chan! You need to be backup! Come on!’ I don’t even stop as I throw my backpack to her, and I make a high-speed U-turn back toward the Angel. ‘Grab the gun from the bottom inside and hurry!’

We run back, where JA’ has the Angel under control, after a fashion, by pinning down one of its tentacles with a knee and its hammer — we can tell it’s the main tentacle, as it ends in an enormous red-on-red eye the size of a basketball. I rush up to it, and commence shooting the eye again. At this point, Jeff shows up as well, firing at the eye too, as Sidore, lagging behind a few feet, appears. As Jeff and I are shooting, the tentacle starts whipping around; I yell to her to start firing. However, the backpack I threw her has multiple pockets, making it difficult to find the pistol inside. ‘Which flap? There’s too many bloody flaps!’ ‘Down the back!’ She finally finds the Seburo****, and fires at the eye.
After several more minutes of shooting, Jeff believes us to be in danger — most Angels explode when mortally wounded — and he shouts, ‘We have to pull back, it’s gonna blow!’ The three of us do a runner just as it flips JA’ off its main tentacle. We scramble behind another wrecked car a couple of yards away, but it doesn’t explode. Instead it stands to its full height — about ten feet — and whips its tentacles around in a frenzy, bisecting pillars and generally demolishing everything in its path. ‘If only I’d just stabbed it in the eye with a sword; that probably would’ve done it,’ I muse aloud. ‘I’m going to try it; cover me.’ Sidore takes aim at the Angel with the linear gun, a crayon smudge appearing on its body. Just then, a black cat with white mittens shows up in the courtyard a couple of feet near the Angel, and we recognise it as Jeff’s cat Cooper. Jeff becomes distressed, as either the Angel will attack his cat, or we run the risk of accidentally shooting him.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + +

Aaand at that point, my alarm clock unfortunately woke me up, so that’s the lot. I find that a lot of my dreams are unfinished or unresolved, which leads me to the conclusion that I’m just not sleeping enough. As a character in a Kids in the Hall sketch once remarked, ‘If I don’t get my twenty-three and a half hours’ sleep every night, I get pretty cranky.’

Also, sorry for the copious Wiki links. Nice as Wikipedia is, my mates and I refer to the site as ‘Truth by Consensus’, as any old tosser can go in and maliciously change entries, thereby presenting lies as truth if the errors go unchecked. As of late, I’ve been seriously scaling back any Wikipedia links, but in the case of this post, well, I’m just bloody lazy. Mea culpa!

*For the uninitiated, those would be the Angels from the anime series Evangelion
**a mecha from the PS2 Evangelion game
***a Japanese shrine maiden at Shinto temples
****a machine pistol, created by manga-ka Masamune Shirow

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typed for your pleasure on 5 July 2007, at 1.03 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Mini mini girl’ by Katsuko Kanai

Gods, I love Achewood. Some days, however, I love it more than others, and this would be one of those days.

If you loathe Comic Sans, a bland, saccharine typeface that cheapens the lives of everyone who even glances at it, you might also be interested in this site: ban comic sans. I know I am!

Maybe soon (did you see my air quotes?) I’ll write up some posts about how I loves me some typefaces. I’m a Futura and Helvetica man, meself

Technorati tags: Achewood, comic sans, Futura, Helvetica, typefaces, fonts

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