Why would we even leave the apartment?

typed for your pleasure on 10 October 2009, at 3.06 pm

Sdtrk: ‘Holvikirkko’ by Shogun Kunitoki

Last month, when Euchre and I got round to visit fellow iDollator Mahtek in order to meet his new Lover Girl Nina from KnightHorse — a fine lass, wouldn’t hear a word against her — at one point during the proceedings, I had to make a visit to the Little Astronauts Room. I could just overhear a conversation topic still going on in the livingroom; one which I’d considered many many times ever since becoming a Doll husband myself.
Unfortunately, by the time I emerged from the bog, the conversation had turned. In fact, it was several months later! Mahtek’s bathroom had flung me into the near-future with but the flush of a handle. It is a Magickal Bathroom.

What was the topic in question, you axe? ‘If your Doll was a Gynoid, what sort of qualities / abilities would you like her to have?’ My mind turned to an email I’d fired off to another iDollator colleague years ago, where I’d tackled that very idea:

A Gynoid version of Sidore-chan would be an efficient but somewhat renegade driver, a dab hand at Japanese cuisine, able to play every bass line from every Joy division and New order song in existence (well, New order up to their ‘Republic’ album, at any rate), good — but not TOO good — when playing Armored core head-to-head, be able to identify a Brummie, Scouse, or Geordie accent whilst being able to retain her own Manc speech pattern, be able to rattle off the name and model number of most of the Mobile suits that appeared in the Universal Century timeline of Gundam, be able to suppress the urge to change the Cd whenever I play any of my obscure yé-yé songs from the Sixties, recite Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘The Raven’ or Lewis Carroll’s ‘The Jabberwock’ from start to finish, and provide a deep and satisfying barefoot back massage. And then there’s the sex. 🙂

Also, and this is very important; her speaking voice must sound like that of actress Shirley Henderson playing Tony Wilson’s first wife, Lindsay, in the film ’24 hour party people’ (you’ll see her in this video, at the 1.46 mark). Really, I don’t ask for much

Random similar posts, for more timewasting:

In lieu of a decent post on May 16th, 2007

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11 have spoken to “Why would we even leave the apartment?”

  1. Wolfgang writes:

    Since I’m married, we’d have to choose a skill set that both of us could find benefit in.
    For me: She’d be a licensed chiropractor, have an encyclopedic knowledge of single-malt scotches, have the entire Oxford English Dictionary on call, plus thesauruses and encyclopedias, and be able to tell me whether my prose works or not with Harlan Ellison-like bluntness. She’d be a willing and excellent relief driver, plus have a good working knowledge of home handywork and be willing to help me with home improvement projects (and be happy to nip off to Lowe’s in the middle of a project when I discover I’m out of, say, 3-inch drywall screws).
    For Masako: She’d be able to give excellent foot massages and back rubs, be able to teach every origami configuration ever conceived, know how to sew, have a GPS, be able to carry everything while shopping, speak perfect Japanese, and look good in a set of Godzilla pajamas.
    Not too much to ask, hmm?

  2. JM writes:

    She would certainly have to share my love of skeletal biology, critical race theory, and other assorted academic interests; a mutual enjoyment of Dostoevsky would be a requirement as well. I’d be quite content if she spoke German as well as English.

  3. Cathy N' Angel writes:

    To go on trips with me without fighting with me. I always wonder what his voice would sound like too…meaning A.

  4. Davecat writes:

    WG –
    the confluence of the single-malt scotch knowledge and the Godzilla jimjams is pretty choice. 🙂 What would her name be?

    JM –
    For all of that academia and pedantry, I would hope for your sake that she’d also be a freak in the sack. 🙂

    Cathy & Angel –
    You’ve not considered how your Angel would sound? I think you need to do some research. 😉
    As an aside, Shi-chan mentioned that you might still need help registering with ‘Shouting etc etc’; if that’s the case, fire an Email at me (again)…

  5. Wolfgang writes:

    Davecat- Her name would be… SCOTCHZILLA!
    Wait… That’s not very feminine…
    How about Godmaltia? Hmm…
    I know… Her name would be Islay Speyside!

  6. Davecat writes:

    Islay Speyside, eh? That’s nearly as pretentious as Sidore Kuroneko. 🙂

    O GOD SHI-CHAN, NOT IN THE FACE

  7. Mahtek writes:

    Well, since you missed it I’ll reprise my part of the conversation.

    Phoebe would be a “Bond Girl”, as always. Intelligent, cunning, capable of both strategic and tactical thought. A disciple of Sun Tzu. She would have a sharp wit and the patience of a saint. Midwestern accent.

    Pennie is the socialite. An eye for fashion and the finer things in life. A bit like Emily Post, but with an underlying rough edge from her working class roots. Piss her off and you will regret it.

    Beth is a party girl. A ditz. There are more important things in life than having fun, but she’ll be damned if she could think of even one.

    Nina and Delilah are still too new, they haven’t revealed themselves to me yet.

    Oh, and none of that “3 Laws of Robotics” for them. As sentient beings they are second in value to no one.

  8. Davecat writes:

    That’s about what I’d expected, given the personalities that come through in their various photoshoots. Such yummy Synthetik girls! 🙂

    And could you do something about that bathroom of yours? Everytime I use it, it makes me late for work! Frankly, I don’t know how you can deal with it…

  9. Mahtek writes:

    Davecat,

    Have you not noticed how many trips that I make to the Gas Station next door? That whole time compression thing didn’t show up until I remodeled the room. Next time I’ll leave the electrical work to the professionals.

  10. Davecat writes:

    Could be worse! You could’ve accidentally reinstalled everything upside-down; i.e, the sink, toilet, shower, etc. Which makes for a unique adventure at first, but gets tiresome really quickly.

  11. Mahtek writes:

    Gads, that would be bad.

    Everything that was supposed to flow into those fixtures would instead be blown out onto the driveway by the floor mounted ceiling fan!

    What would the neighbors think?

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