spurious_humour.doc

typed for your pleasure on 22 March 2005, at 11.48 am

Sdtrk: ‘Ich kann dir icht böse sein’ by France Gall

I hit one of the computer labs on campus today, in order to do my PowerPoint and integration homework that I can’t do at home, cos my computer only has Micro$oft Word, and the other one doesn’t even have that. The assignments run like typical workbook assigments: the exercise formulates a scenario — in this case, a group of fictitious tutoring centres are opening in Phoenix, AZ — and the book had me write up a letter to the local families that had children, letting them know what the centres offer, as well as describing the initial student assesment, tutoring fees, and advanced course work. Essentially, I had to make up a letter, but it had to mention the previous details. Heh. So off I went!

The Human Family
Address
City, State ZIP

Dear Local Families Who Have Children,

I am pleased to announce that Learning Fulfillment Centers offer a whole new world of learning unto your brand new children. As recently as 2001, the Greater Phoenix area has seen the opening of two more offices, in order to provide your young prodigies with as much learning as we can literally pour into their craniums.

Why are the highly-acclaimed Learning Fulfillment Centers so magnificently successful? Well, I’ll tell you. Our trained staff of staff trainees evaluates each and every student individually, and handcrafts a unique custom plan for each one of them. Will your child grow up to be a mild-mannered botanist, or will he perhaps learn to speak only in binary? Will she create medicines that benefit humanity, or instead raise the entire country of Monaco several miles above the Earth’s surface? With our programs, your child’s potential will truly have the opportunity to grow without limits.

As well as the standard grade school curriculum, we also offer one-on-one tutoring that utilizes state-of-the-art robot helpers, and, upon assessment, advanced course work will be offered to your children, taking place in our acclaimed hermetically-sealed classrooms that exist both within and without the boundaries of Time and Space. Our programs have been so successful since the Learning Fulfillment Centers were started back in 1997, that couples worldwide are having babies, for the sole purpose of sending their offspring to our schools. Even Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand, who was assassinated back in 1914 by Gavrilo Princip, in a regrettable act that initiated the start of World War I, wished with his dying breath that he could live to sire a son, that would eventually enroll in a Learning Fulfillment Center program. Would that were it so! But alas, it was not to be.

At the Learning Fulfillment Center, we realize that children are our future, and if we can only harness their tiny genius brains to create time machines, or successful cold fusion, or even something as simple as a microwave that heats every single part of the chicken pot-pie without leaving the center still partially frozen, then we believe that all the arduous ninja-supervised training was well worth the effort. Understandably, our courses are a little more expensive than standard schools, but your child is worth it. Your future is worth it.

Please take a moment to look over the seventeen and a half pounds of enclosed literature that details our curriculum. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Very truly yours,
Dave Kuroneko

After integrating my data from the Excel worksheets, I had to cut a couple of lines, but you’ve just read the pre-edited version.
*shaking head* Man. What the hell is wrong with my brain??

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GIVE ME A GODDAMN BIG GULP OR I SHOOT on December 8th, 2005

4 have spoken to “spurious_humour.doc”

  1. PBShelley writes:

    Are you going to get graded on this? :-O 😉

    That was a fun read, I hope you get the job LOL

    Lily asked exactly WHICH part of Time and Space the school is in, as she’d like to attend, and Phoenix is large enough as it is!

    & Kissus to the Missus 🙂

  2. Davecat writes:

    Yep, we’re getting graded on it! Basically, the purpose of the exercise is to show that we can integrate two separate Excel tables into the .doc that the book had us type up; the content of the memo’s not all that important. Since it’s a class of about thirty, I’m fairly sure there’ll be dumber memos. 😉

    And tell Lily those schoolrooms are located over There, somewhere to the east of 1767. Classes were forming now! 🙂

    Give Lily a hug from the pair of us, eh?

  3. veach writes:

    Speaking as a Phoenixian-Phoenizian, the real giggle would be if you made this your second page and fed the entire thing through a web-translator to Spanish and made that your actual first page.
    See, Phoenix proper is more than 50% latin american so that would be appropriate. The surrounding Maricopa county cities: Scottsdale, Mesa, Tempe, etc, are who would be reading page two.

  4. Penda writes:

    veach is on to something.

    That would be a scream.

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